....maybe you shouldn't be doing it.
Ok
so true confessions -- I backslid a bit emotionally with Tex.
He reached out to me with a branch of friendship (my achilles heel) -- and I got sucked back in to the idea of him
and when he was sure that the hook sank a bit -- he eased back
wow
that sounds horrible right?
But here's what I've decided
He just wants to know that I'm there if he wants me
but
He doesn't really want me
He thinks he might want me
he might even want to want me
but he doesn't
and
I have to just remind myself that this is manipulative behavior (outside of the level of manipulation that we consent to) -- and unhealthy for me
and even if he isn't acting out of malice
it is horribly selfish of him
and I must not allow this to continue.
In the meantime -- I am back vanilla dating (God help me) -- and also have a lovely date with my FWB, D on my birthday where we will go out to my favorite restaurant and then appreciate the crap out of each other until we pass out.
Happy Birthday to me.
Ack, my sympathies. >.<
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that. Let myself be "the fallback girl" for way too damned long for someone that was my everything. Never again. It damned near destroyed me and it took me getting really, really PISSED off to see how shitty he was being to me and be ready to walk away for good. He finally wised up, and we got back together but on my terms, with me making damned sure my own wants and needs were getting met as well as his. I know it doesn't sound very 'submissive', but sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, protect yourself, and demand what you need from your partner, and be ready to walk if he/she can't/won't give it to you. I wasted too many years miserable and beating myself up for someone else's shortcomings. Never again.
Haven;t we all been the fall-back girl?
ReplyDeleteThe good thing is you get it -- vanilla dating...well got nothing.
hugs,
mouse
Oh boy... yes, we have all been there. Good for you for seeing what it is and moving forward, even in a bland fashion. You have to start somewhere! Happy Birthday. Keep being good to yourself and I bet that Vanilla world will turn into something with a little more spice. I was married three years before we discovered our ttwd side. Can you say BONUS! Amy
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