Others

There are other men to talk about

Tex flirted with me over the weekend -- but he's cooled off a bit

I imagine thinking through the what ifs

and while I could put everything on pause and wait

I am not going to allow myself to do that

we will either find a way back together
or we won't

in the meantime

I've been on the phone with a very interesting man
who has a lot of what I look for in a long term partner

he makes me laugh
and challenges me
and is just bossy enough

and yes -- a vanilla guy

we haven't met in person yet
but have ruined 2 nights' sleep for each other staying on the phone way too long

and we'll have to see what happens next

I am hopeful
that the right thing will play out
but not so foolish as to not give it a push along.

Change ?

Tex texted me today
and we chatted
and

we're exploring a second try

of course
things would have to be different or we would just be living the past 9 months over again
only -- of course - much much faster

and in the meantime

there are a lot of vanilla prospects

and BB as a possibility

the truth is

and none of you will be shocked by this

I didn't want things to end
just to get better

I love him
and am not ready for that to morph into like or fondness or what-have-you

while we work this out
it will likely be quiet here
so as not to make things more complicated

in the meantime

Pixie and I?
are off to see a talking raccoon in outer space -- at the drive-in

toodles

B

Is this a fucking test?

So -- here I am -- vanilla dating away

and talking to some very sweet guys
that I find very charming

and who
out of all the people in the world should pop out of nowhere and contact me?

BB

who you most likely don't remember
but about 18 months ago
(I told you guys that there's only 18 months of girls in this city -- and I seem to pop back into rotation at that point)

I was talking to a wonderful Dom
a wonderful man
who I mentioned was out of my league

and ultimately
he didn't have time for me and I called it quits

out of nowhere - he messages me
and he's free
and I'm free

and he is testing the waters

blink
blink blink

I went back to the old blog and yeah

I was very into him

he is one of those people who is truly inspirational
in fact - his full-time work is a charity venture focused on children

but
loyal readers

I have put aside thoughts of him
and am going to continue with plan A

to vanilla or not to vanilla

(thank you for the shaving thoughts -- D's in particular cracked me up -- "vanilla's don't shave"  rofl

I have had 3 dates with one nice man - and have 2 first dates coming up
and we'll see how it goes

and slowly
I am healing up a bit

the breakup feels more distant
I'm no longer tearful when I pump gas and realize that normally I would take a photo of the gas pump to tell him how much gas I bought at what price

yes -- Exxon makes me misty

and I've actually bought some underwear -- because - I do that now.

and test or no test from the delicious BB
I soldier on.

And another date.

I had another date with  -- hmm - what should I call him

He's a fun mix of hippie and engineer and hedonist -- with a heavy dash of christianity (I do live in the buckle of the bible belt) -- He's a Buffet fan - -so I guess that makes him a Parrothead? - is that what they're called?

so I'll call him PH

PH and I had a date -- at his house
yes

I'm a rebel

dinner at his house -- got to see his puppy
which isn't code for something else
it's an actual puppy and enough reason to date him for that alone

and had a lovely dinner
and a lot of deep talking

and then making out on the couch until my eyes crossed
as I white knuckled it trying not to be the girl who has sex on the first date
and just barely managed to not

He's fun
not likely to be someone who would last forever
or may not even for very long
I think he runs very hot for someone and then either burns out or marries her.

but there's something to be said for having someone be a bit crazy about you
even if it's just the newness

and I could be underestimating him

suffice it to say

I am having a very nice time

BTW -- I have no idea how much shaving vanillas do....no fucking clue.

A meeting

So I haven't made my decision yet about blogging or not blogging -- but while I do - I'm going to just give it a shot and see how it feels.

Late last week I got a message from a Dom - and he seems like a great fit for me -- a Daddy Dom type - -a bit older (but not too much) - gainfully employed -- an artist

and cute too

and I have tried to feel something about him -- he wants me to do the sub thing where I swoon and think about him all the time - where I melt inside

and

I just don't

and it's not a thing he's done or not done

I think I'm just not prepared for a Dom right now
that roller coaster ride

in the meantime
I had a vanilla date

it was a whirlwind sort of thing -- apparently his subscription to the dating site was running out -- so WHIZ BANG - we were at the coffee stage  - in about 24 hours from first contact

let me pause here by saying - -he's not the typical guy for me -- he's VERY outgoing -- and super sporty -- and I didn't think anything would come of it

so I approached this as if dating was off the table.
and had a great time getting to know him

(and interestingly - for someone I met online in a HUGE city - we know people who know the same people -- so I guess that makes us only 3 degrees of separation - weird)

and up until the last 10 minutes of the date - I didn't think it was going anywhere other than friendship -- when he walked me to my car and planted a kiss on me that curled my toes (and I did my best to curl his back)

and we're going out again on Wednesday.

huh.

didn't see that coming

Will this go somewhere?

maybe
maybe not

but I think it might be good for me to keep my feet on the ground for a bit
and stay in the kiddie pool
and figure out what's right for me

Blogging

I spoke with Tex last night

he asked me why I stopped blogging
and I said I didn't feel I had anything to say
and that it must be coming out wrong because the readers seem to be misunderstanding me

but

it's not the only reason
the reason is that I'm still heart broken
and he still reads

and I can't write out the heartbreak with him reading

because frankly Tex -- I'm sort of mad at you for messing things up.

and I can love him and be mad at him and know I need to move on at the same time

and there are things one just doesn't say straight on.

so

I'm going to decide what to do
I may go back to the old blog
or

I may close up and quit

It's not me, it's you

Last week I made a great connection with someone online
vanilla yes -- but a great connection

We got on the phone
and I really had a good time

I tentatively made a date for the next day

and then

after I got off the phone
I realized

of course I connected to him

because he's essentially my ex-husband

so -- I put him off

and

(crap)

I'm bad at backing off

I'm not bad at picking up that someone's not interested in me
and
I accept it
and move on

don't text me back?
I get that message loud and clear

and
(shrug)

I don't much care

perhaps a bit of a sting
but hardly a slap in the face

but what I find is that I get the hurt guy response
with the snotty comeback

eyeroll

"oh -- please - come back -- I REALLY want you now"

Fuck Yeah

I spoke with Tex today -- and yes -- I was a bit teary

but fuck it
I'm an emotional girl and he's a big boy - he can handle it.

it'll be easier next time

and he asked me about vanilla dating

which was weird

I sort of thought he would stop reading here -- and even though I was surprised that he was
I would also have been surprised if he wasn't

because -- I mean

why wouldn't you -- just to check in.

Pixie and I have had a shitty week

essentially she's been violating all of my Hard Limits when it comes to scat and vomit

if she breaks out the needles I'm fucking out of here.

but things are better now
we're watching Curious George
which is hysterical
and yawning.

both of us

on the dating front

let's see

vanilla men who contact me don't seem to have jobs
or
they're scammers

I personally love the one who's name is GONEUPNU

which is a funny name for Fet-- and a bit creepy for match.com

I'll keep you posted - mostly -- things work pretty smoothly at the emailing stage - and then they get all shy when we exchange numbers

sometimes a girl just misses a Dom who'll grab her hair and cut through the small stuff

sigh

more soon

B

oh..ps..i said "yeah " at least 5 times  on the phone with Tex.....lol

Battles

The Pixie and I have had a horrid week

She escaped the crib
and the transition to a big girl bed has been a real brawl

and in the past few nights it has deteriorated to include poo

lots

and lots

of poo

I have cleaned her carpet

SEVERAL times

neither of us are sleeping well
and

while last  night I would have told you that I was ready to put the rails back up and just put a top on the fucking thing

I went out and bought a bed rail today
and we seem to be doing much better

not sleeping sooner

but

at least staying more in bed

I think she feels more secure

on the dating front

vanilla men need to get their shit together

and

I've met all the kink men on the planet

all of them

well

all the local ones

I think I'm dating the wrong fucking gender.

vo-dee-o-dodo

I had my first date back

and it was lovely

we went to the park and lolled around on the grass talking for a few hours until the park closed

and then went out for some hummus

when it was time to go home (4 hours after the date started) -- he walked me to my car and kissed me

and very well indeed

and pushed for a trip to my house

hoping for some VoDeODoeDoe

and was denied

I don't VoDeODoeDoe on a first date

at least not on a vanilla date

I mean

I VoDeO

we had a funny moment when we had to go get jumper cables for his car because he left his lights on

and

I had every reason to think there would be a date 2

and then

well - I didn't chase him down the street saying lovemelovemelove

and I think it hurt his feelings -- as I got a text from him that said, "I guess I was a great kisser, but not an unforgettable one"

and -- very little since then

so

more to meet -- interesting times

and hopefully

I'll get to DoeDoe soon

What now?

Well

I'm going to date.

and no-- I'm not going to go into some deep mourning -because the reality is that while I'm sad and I'm going to miss him - I've had to let him go bit by bit in the past few months as it became more and more clear that I was never going to make it to the top of the to do list

and I DO need to be checked off that To Do list
ahem

aaaaaand

I'm going to vanilla date a bit.

because I think I need to recalibrate a bit.
make sure that this is what I want

and

because I think I've already met every Dom over the age of 40 in the Southwest United States

and just because someone is "vanilla" doesn't mean that they have to be a milktoast

so you can expect some adventures in dating at some point

but now?

I'm going to go get dressed and clean out my parent's rain gutters

because life is fucking glamorous

And -- it's done.

I have asked to be released
and he understood it was the right thing to do for my heart

we wanted this to work

it did not.

and while I am putting it directly here

it stings

and

we've said we'll be friends

(and both of us are pretty good at being friends with exes)

and who knows

if he ever gets around to moving here

maybe we can make it work

maybe

until then

I will be moving on
and figuring out the next step

and disguising some puffy eyes.

B

PS -- this is one of those shoulder bump/hugs moments - but not much more than that - my skin is thin and I mostly need to toughen up a bit.

Giving it back to him

I have been in a bad place

I got upset with Tex
and

then I got more upset

and

more upset

the sort of upset where you sit on your bed with a box of kleenex
and soak
tissue
after tissue

the sort of upset where you start to just

give up

I had to make excuses at work the next day for my puffy eyes

I blamed it on allergies

which

well

I'm sodden with them - it's a reasonable excuse

(and I don't think Tex knew/knows how upset I was -- until most likely just now while he's reading)

and then

well

I had a visit from D
who helped me reset my buttons

not by giving advice
just by
letting me talk
and be with someone

stemming the loneliness a bit

I let him in
and he was in charge for the night

and I remembered

that
if I'm putting myself in Tex's hands
then

this isn't my problem to solve
so

I sat down and wrote it all out
and then I lived with the email for a day
and sent it today

and
while he doesn't have a solution
(and I don't expect one)

I feel better
like

I'm doing what I'm supposed to do
which is trust him to work it out
and

if not
well
then we'll know what to do next.

sorry for the quiet readers -- but now you know

more soon

B

Groundhog Day

I went to see the Edge of Tomorrow -- which was fun -- a combination of Groundhog Day and Starship Troopers (hmm - Troupers?  Troupers makes them sound like Vaudevillians)

I sort of feel that I'm on a loop too

only without the alien menace and guns

The court case trudges on  -- at a snails pace  -- with delay after delay

and

work is the same as it has been the past 5 years
and I solve the same problems year after year

and

Tex and I are the same
we wax and wane - we stretch -- but do not break

he makes me feel good
but I miss him
and wish things were different

and

I am sick
again

with the same stuff
that I can't seem to shake
for the 5th time this year

Now

I have to say -- what I wrote above is what was in my head at about 3:00 today -- while I waited to see the doctor for the third time in 4 days

and
 now
while the cough is still there
my voice is back a bit

and

I had a nice text chat with Tex
and

those problems I solve
well
that's why I'm there
why they need me

and

a court date has been set
finally

early early early next month

I get to find out (maybe) what this is all about
and maybe maybe maybe

get to get the hell out of Groundhog Day

A shift in the blog

As you may have surmised -- Tex has agreed that the blog doesn't have to be my place for daily communication

WHEW

because while I do not tire of telling him that I'm his
and he does not seem to yet grow tired of it

it makes for dull blogging

and the only thing worse that no blogging is dull blogging

it'll drive away readers in droves

so I may continue to tell him how wonderful I think he is
and share the occasional fantasy

I don't have to do so publicly

effective

well -- retroactively

**********
It's starting to be summer here -- and the Pixie and I are struggling with allergies again
sometimes I think it'll never end

and I'm tidying the house -- my friend is coming back into town for one last visit and will stay over on Monday night -- we're doing the mostlyplatonic thing -- which is good- because he's not good at easing a girl in

and never will be

and that's what I'll need

D?

he's out of town for the weekend -- I am not ready to judge if this will work or not -- but I hope it will -- he's a sweet man -- although

can I see him taking me to the Cineplex?

(pauses for peals of laughter and a new pair of pants now that I've wet mine)

somehow I think not.

funny moment when he came over to talk to me
he wanted to let me know that we might not always have sex when we see each other in this new order -- and he didn't want me to think it meant he didn't want to have sex with me

(which made me smile)

I didn't say

"I know you want to have sex with me -- the question is -- do you want anything else"

and we shall see

shortly I'll have a phone date with Tex -- I'm happy to talk to him again
scratchy voice and all

goodnight dear readers

B

Lazy

I haven't wanted to blog because I don't have a huge amount going on

or at least not enough to blog about

and it's hard to meet my requirement to blog every day

and I'm thinking about
asking to change this
so that I don't have to blog
every day
to meet my requirement to write every day

so there may be some blog gaps

we'll have to see what Tex says.

Hope Springs Eternal

So I talked with D

and he said he wants to be more
and
that he was trying to be what he thought I wanted
while
I was only asking for what I thought he would give

neither wanting to ask for more

and

while I don't believe it will work
I don't believe that he has the time
or
the ganas (sorry - English fails me here -- it's a combination of desire and want and need) to go after it

but

Here's the truth

I love D
not in the way that I love Tex
differently

he's a big part of my journey
part lover
part big brother (in a nonincestuous way)

I think he loves me like a pet
a favorite toy
something he cherishes

and

in so many ways he is perfect
I am safe with him
physically
emotionally

and we are both safe from breaking each other's hearts

and while I think I'll end up disappointed
it is worth the time to find out

Now I'll just have to remind him that my behind is chilly and make sure that he wakes up the sleeping sub a bit
or

I'll be in no shape at all when I finally get to see Tex again

B

Pause button

I have created a new CM account for Tex and I to share

sent him a draft of the message

file hidden until he approves it

and

I sent a message to D

to let him know

because he's

 always on CM

and it's a common courtesy

essentially a "I'm a bit lonely - not looking to replace you...etc etc etc"

and he immediately texted me back

"I would like to discuss me being that option with you in person to be honest before your search begins, Can you commit to that for me?"

and

I have agreed

now

I don't think anything will come of it

I care deeply for D

but

he's not one to want more

and when I've expected more from him in the past

it's been a problem

but

I will hit the pause button

to at the very least

let him understand what's missing.

#overdommed

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

...The Man came to see me
and

we had a nice dinner
and a long talk

mostly about how I don't know what I want
and a lot of "I won't get my feelings hurt if we don't play"
and a lot of "I won't get too attached if we do play"

on both sides

we both worry a lot about the other's feelings

it's sweet
particularly in a sadist

and

The Man is a sadist.

So

We had talked about it
and I told him that since I was undecided we should not
but

then I kissed him back rather passionately
and found myself recanting

He presented a deal

He would show me
just the sadist
there would be no payoff in the end
no O for me
and no subspace either

just

a taste
a sampling
of the sadist

to make clear what I would be getting into
and

I said yes
(and let me be clear -- I had to keep saying yes -- throughout -- yes to more)

so it was yes to rope
and yes to the wooden spoon liberally applied to create an even pattern of marks

and yes to the much hated clothespins
that where whacked off with the now much hated wooden spoon
and the yeses continued

until we hit a hell no
fuckno
make itstop no
and I burst into tears

which he told me
after it all
was going to happen eventually -- that he planned to go until I got to that point

the next day
we talked it out
and

I am not a masochist

I'm just not
and

he needs someone who wants to be hurt
he needs to be hurt
not because she wants to please
or because she wants to make him proud
but because she needs to be hurt

(shrugs)
and that's never going to be me

so I'll see him over the next few weeks
my dear friend
but

he will stay down the hall
and I'll keep the rope in the bag
and

will continue to try to find a way
to make this all work

Water water everywhere

I haven't been blogging

you may have noticed (all 6 of you who still read)

but I haven't had much to say

it's been a rough month.  Tex has been booked up pretty much every weekend which means that I get no time with him

and

I am a selfish girl
well

greedy

not selfish

greedy.

I have friends who are great with the benefits -- but not so great with the friend part
and

I'm lonesome

Tex and I have talked about it -- and the FWB I had was perfect on the friend side -- I just hated having sex with him

there has to be someone out there that I want to hang out with  -- and still get my sub on with too

right?

In the meantime

The Man is coming into town and is going to come see me tomorrow night
and we may or may not play -- I'm undecided.
He's sweet
and I care for him very much

but
like Tex
doesn't live here
and

unlike Tex
never will

he will make me feel less lonely tomorrow night
but more lonely when I feel the contrast as he goes back home again

it's time
to try to find someone

so I went out to CM which was GONE
and

I thought -- "well, I'll go vanilla"
which

can I just say it?


ick

fucking ick.

because to be honest about what I want makes me look like a fucking slut
and no - not in a GOOD way

in a "hey baby come do me" sort of way

again
I can get laid ya'll
I want a bit more from a man

wait

am I actually bitching that all the men out there want RELATIONSHIPS?

(shakes head)

I must be in bizarro world.

any way

stay tuned
Tex is going to help me (CM has started back up under a different domain name)

more to come.

Sex Dream

I went to a basketball  game
and
I was allowed to make a free-throw
I missed
but hit some other basket farther away
which made everyone laugh
and they cut down the second net for me to keep
to the roar of the crowd
my friend and I
went into our box
which was close to the box
but when we looked at the players
they were like ants
and after 1 play
they took a break
and my friend told me we had an hour to kill
sadly
the box was not private
people walked through
to go to concessions

I wanted to tease my friend
who started off as a man
but then who became a woman in the dream
as I teased her under her skirt
learning as I go
as I have not been with a woman
and who
much to my surprise
ended up with a penis

and I awoke
hot
and revved up
and unable to do a thing about it

wishing I had Tex's permission
to cum.

Bumps in the road

I have some friends who are new to the foster world

they got a placement of twins -- premature

and those twins went back home this week
and on that same day
they were investigated by the state for a complaint

C called me in a panic
H was home with their birth kids and the investigator
C was fighting traffic to get home
and try
to help

she was confused
and scared and angry

and

it came to me how much I've grown
how I've changed through this process

how
transformed I am
by it

I told her

"you are on a journey
to become a Zen Mother Fucker
and all of this will teach you flexibility
and adaptability and patience....
...and one day...you will realize that all you need to do
is take care of your kids
and love them

and the rest will work out
and you too will be a Zen Mother Fucker"

somewhere along the way
I started to transform
and I want to thank the blogosphere

the existence of the blog itself -- for giving me a place to get out my words
and  for the readers
who helped me
and encouraged me
and gave me permission to roll my eyes or laugh at the whole thing
who
helped me to become

or start to become

A MotherFuckingZenMaster

so I could pass it on

the little things

He says that he notices all the little things I do
for him
or because of him

and

the fact that he notices
them

and that they're important to him
and

that he tells me he notices them

is the little thing
that touches me the most

There and back again

I am back from the trip

and as previously reported
the Pixie did ok

not great
but OK

the Kiddo  -- true to form -- took advantage
as 19 yr olds often do
and failed to communicate that

A) she had moved back into the dorms and
B) I needed to move her out of the dorms on graduation day
also

in spite of being asked to pack 2 small boxes of necessities for college next year
she randomly packed her things without any thought to what she might need at her new school

and no

I will not be buying her anything to set up dorm room number 2
one dorm room per lifetime.

fortunately, I made her leave the blankets with me so she'll at least have bedding in the dorms next year

so

now I have a small tear to repair in my leather seats
and
it cost me an extra night in a hotel
but

I got to see her graduate
and Pixie and I got to work out how a road trip might work for us
and I got to meet the boyfriend (yawn)
and hopefully helped her see that he's a pretty big mess

they're going to try long distance
(smiling)
not everyone can make that work.

Just think in 17 more years I'll be doing this again and rolling my eyes at Pixie's boyfriend

(shudder)

Back

a lot to blog about -- for another day
I got a chance to spend some time with D tonight
just pampering for him
and

just what I needed
to take care of someone
and focus on someone

mother nature freed me from worrying about anything else
so just focused on him

a great way to scratch my sub itch.

Road Trip!

First daughter is getting her Associate's degree

so Pixie and I are headed across a few states to go watch it happen

a road trip

with

a 23 month old

(doh!)

alone

trapped in the car

(doh! doh!)

emergency supplies have been packed

there is a DVD player
and teddy grahams
and books and books and books

as well as a substantial supply of Dr Pepper

Monkey will come along as well
and

in case of emergency

make bubbles.

Bon voyage!

(back Sunday)

The thin line between adorable and creepy

it's nearly midnight and I'm just home from work

just to be clear -- I left the house at 7am

it's been a long day

I did leave work -- and ran some errands -- but got called back just before I picked up Pixie from Nana's

A complaint

She said he asked her out
and won't take no for an answer
and walked with her out to her car one night

he teases her

and

she says she's told him to stop

but

he didn't get the message

so

I brought down the hammer
and made sure HE GOT THE MESSAGE

this is part of what I do
be the big serious scary person

and trust me
I scare the crap out of them when they see me at 10 at night

If she liked him
all of this would be lovely
sweet concern for her
walking her to her car
making sure she was safe
showing interest
joking with her

adorableness

but
just on the other side of adorable

is

ookiness

a man who texts you 10 times a day is a stalker or a sweetheart -- all depending on how you feel about it -- how welcome it is

We need to do a better job
of getting guys to understand
when we're encouraging them
and when we're not

we need to do a better job with our sons
to make it clear

I looked into this poor sap's eyes tonight
and he was just clueless that she was telling him no all this time
(and don't get me wrong - this guy didn't do anything that was really out of line -- he was just -- persistent)

I wish it were easier.

Practically Perfect

What a wonderful day

Pixie and I got up (insanely) early
and went to the store to buy our Mother's Day meal

we ran errands -- and visited with my parents
and then came home

Pixie wasn't quite ready for a nap - so we played ball in the yard
and then
settled in for some Winnie the Pooh

she loves it

I started to drift off and she delighted me with a few wet toddler kisses
followed by prying one of my eyes open to see if I was in there

and ultimately

covered us both up with a blanket

eventually -- I put her down and got a few things done

My parents came back over and we finished the sandbox
(sawed and hammered by yours truly)
and made the baby make a SQUEEEE sound

and made me regret the too short shorts commando
as I have sand where I oughtn't

a wonderful dinner

Salmon
Asparagus
fresh bread and salad
(all enjoyed by all the adults and the baby (sans salad) -- yes -- even the asparagus!)

and topped off
just now
by a sweet girl
crawling up in my lap to give me a hug
and falling asleep on my shoulder

I couldn't feel more like a mom than I did today

Thank you Pixie for the best Mother's Day gift(s) ever

you are delightful.

5 years

Mr C sent me a message the other day -- telling me it was 5 years since we met.

He remembers such things
He has one of those perfect minds that recalls every single thing
which seems to be both blessing and curse

and I thought

wow

5 years?

it means
in a few weeks
I've been aware of this side of me

for 5 years

it seems longer
and less time too

because I always feel new

particularly now-- since those days I am only a theoretical sub
a paper sub

a philosophical one

my sub itch scratched every few weeks by a minimal application of control from D

and I don't know quite what to do about it

or how important "play" is to me

or even how I could present myself as any sort of experienced sub when my asscalluses have all dropped off

I am the wimpiest of subs these days I think

I have come to the realization that I don't want D/s without that intensity of connection
I don't want to submit to anyone but Tex these days

which is hard
because

he is not here
and I don't know
when or if he will be.

Shitty mood

I am in a bad mood
and Pixie is in a bad mood

and today
I felt like no one was happy with me

some of it may be deserved
some of it was not

it made for a frustrating day

but then

Tex called me
and I told him that no one was happy with me
and when he said,

"I'm happy with you"

it made me smile

and no
not everything is better

I'm still pissy
baby is still pissy

but

it will be better

well

eventually

Thank you Tex

Auld Lang Syne

On occasion I get a message from Doms gone by

and I'm flattered
to some degree to be remembered fondly
to have them touch base

at the same time
I wonder why they would try again

perhaps the supply of real live girl types is so low
that I've just come back around in rotation

it seems to take about 11 months

and then - -it's back to the same old song

telling me
whatever they think I want to hear
to let them back in

today

it was a Dom
married
a FWB possibility

who I met once
but who then had a crisis of conscience and decided he couldn't do it to his wife

and

when I called him out on it

he assured me that he was over his crisis

(eyeroll)

the fact that his penis has temporarily overwhelmed his sense of morality doesn't encourage me to drop everything and throw myself into his arms.

so I rejected his advances
a few times
and (like I do) - offered friendship
and was told "let me know if you change your mind"

um

(snort)

unlikely

unless of course he's good at basic household repairs...hmmm....maybe I should call him back...

Fair weather friends

Pixie is much better

when it's time for night night -- she wants all of her babies

I do mean ALL

in bed with her

actually crib

yes

I haven't moved her to a toddler bed yet -- if she's still contained in that thing by kindergarden I may consider it -- but until then - it gives this single momma a bit of control

and keeps her from hitting the floor -- because she's an energetic sleeper

so we put puppy in
and dragon
and bear
and monkey
and blanket

and when I go in to cover her up before I go to bed

all have been expelled

in fact

usually I hear a plaintiff cry of MOOOONKEEEEY
during the going to sleep struggles

I wonder
if it's upon seeing that she's cast him out
or her battle cry as she launches him into the air

Where B spends the day with a barfy baby and still improves on her birthday in 2013

Happy Birthday to me

I do love my birthday

today
I went to get up Pixie
and

she wouldn't wake up

she sort of woke up -- but then kept falling back asleep

unusually for her -- but I thought in time it would improve

and yes

I am a horrible mother
because when she climbed on the coffee table to fall back asleep I took a photo
it'll be fun at her wedding

I can tell everyone she was planking.

I got her shoes on
and took her to daycare

but had to return with her nap mat

and came in just in time for the rainbow showers

(poor Pixie)

So we spent the day at home
and
she just finally
finally
finally at 10pm stopped singing and went to sleep (overlapped today -- she stayed up 3 hours past bedtime)

Instead of a nice birthday dinner - - I had potpies and angel food cake with my parents
still lovely

last year -- I had the preteens -- who spent my birthday screaming at me that I was a bitch
I think FL lost 8 days of internet on my birthday last year

yes

today was better

******
last night D came to see me -- and was sweet to me
darkly sweet
but sweet

Tex asked me if D saw the house
and I told him
"No -- D doesn't even remotely resemble anything close to a boyfriend -- that job is yours"

but

he does have an important role of me

he keeps that part alive for me
not that I got any birthday spanks out of it

but
I do get to surrender control
and lose myself
and until I can find myself where I want to be
it's good to be reminded that its what I want
and need

Today is my birthday
and
it kicks off what I believe will be a stellar year for me

I couldn't ask for anything more
and wouldn't give back any of it

well

maybe the puke.

If you were my man.....

....I have been thinking about some of the things that might have to change if I had a man here all the time

things that I do
that might drive someone crazy

when you're coupled up
you know what these things are

you know

from the eye rolling
or
in our world
the spankings

at any rate -- here's the first blog about things I do

...

I like to keep things
not collect things

but keep things that might be useful someday

not in a hoarding sort of way
although it's a kissing cousin
the non-mentally-ill version of it

then again
abnormal behavior seems normal if you do it

at any rate

I have a hard time passing up useful trash -- particularly on bulk pick up day
and I can imagine a world where Tex has to draw the line
as I drool over a dresser with just one broken drawer that I can turn into a planter
or a lamp
or a microwave oven

I am eternally optimistic

my successes in reclamation feeding my illness

while I completely put the unrenovated dresser I picked up 8 months ago completely out of my mind

so -- confession number 1 behind me
Happy Sunday night

B

swings

I have felt far from him
far from submission
far from sexuality
far from focus and connectivity

and

like a child on a swing
there is a maximum point
where you strains at the extreme
and for a moment seems suspended mid air
frozen
weightless
before returning
back
back
back
to the other side

at each extreme you feel that you might fly off
fall to the ground

or jump off -- and away

but
there's always a swing back
and I'm happy to say that I am on my way back
that

we're connecting better
warmer
we're working back to where we belong
and

I feel lucky
to have so patient a man
waiting for me to swing back

long distance is hard
but
I believe
for the right one
worth it

I would be the worst Domme

Tex and I talked a good while tonight
mostly

about all the things I need to get done around here

and we joked
that If I had a sub - I would only want him to do handiwork -- and rub my feet

I insisted that no one would only want to finish my honey-do list and rub my feet (with their hands)

and Tex insisted that not only would I find one - -but I would most likely find one that would do it within 2 weeks

we riffed on this a bit
me horrified at his suggestion that I could get a crop if they became too distracted by staring at my boobs
and he, offering to answer my respondents if I created a Domme ad on CM

so
in case anyone in my area is up to be my domestic slave -- with no benefits at all whatsoever:

Here's your to-do list:

1.  Replace the doorknob on the guest closet with a lock
2.  Build a sandbox for Pixie
3.  Install my sun-sail outside
4.  bring in all the boxes marked books so I can sort and unpack them (they are heavy)
5.  rub my feet
6.  varnish my hallway -- I will have to varnish myself into my room for the next few nights and be trapped while it dries
7.  caulk the windows
8.  measure all the windows so I can order screens
9.  screw that -- order the screens too while you're at it
10.  buy some dirt and fill in the divot in the yard that the Pixie keeps tripping on
11.  rub my feet
12.  remove the chicken wire that is on the fence line - it has no purpose
13.  haul the crap out of the garage left by the previous owners
14.  help me hang the curtains
15.  and hold the pictures up against the wall while I take an eternity to decide where they should be hung
16.  hang pictures
and so on and so on

sound appealing?

frankly -- I think he's full of crap about me finding someone willing to do it all
but what a great fantasy

perhaps he can make me a drink while I watch....

cheesy

We did a book drive today -- I fed you a grilled cheese sandwich for any donation of a book -- or any amount of money

we raised a good amount of money and fed some happy people

Being in the south -- I made grilled pimento cheese

which

um

is pretty disgusting

pimento cheese is normally cheddar cheese, mayo, pimentos (roasted red peppers in a bit of vinegar) and maybe a dash of tabasco.

I replaced most of the mayo with cream cheese
and

well

it's a gooey mess

the big hit was the pizza grilled cheese (shockingly good) -- with the toast made extra crunchy with mayo instead of butter (which shocked me -- but YUM)

when I'm not doing house stuff
and baby stuff
and sub stuff

I make 150 grilled cheese sandwiches

and
eat none of them
(cheese is the enemy)

D offered to come over last night
I declined
too tired
too late

and

tonight

well - his window of opportunity has closed

but
there's laundry
and unpacking
and I'll be too tired again
and it'll be too late

and tomorrow it'll all happen again

happy grilled cheese ya'll
love,

B

Not a bit submissive

I feel a bit like I've lost that feeling

I don't feel submissive
I feel

disconnected
and unfocused
and tossed and turned

I feel like I'm doing a rotten job with Tex
and that we're far apart right now due to it

and

yes -- I have told him so
it would be strange to tell him here first
so I suppose it goes without saying

in the past few days I find myself with that feeling
that many of us feel

"I'm not really submissive at all"

but

as soon as I type it I think

If I weren't submissive
I would love the untethered feeling

I would thrive in it

I would crave it

I would want to shake off the shakles and breathe in and feel it

and

I don't

I want it all
and

things will calm down
and I'll find my way back
and hopefully find my patient man waiting for me.

Filthy Filthy Girl

Irony:  ransacking every box looking for batteries and finally trying to find your vibe so you can steal the batteries for the TV remote.


Vibe left in box still at the house


**************

I am moved in -- there are boxes galore to be unpacked
I am dirty

I smell

my feet hurt

but

beds are made
curtains (ok -- one set) are hung

baby is trying to avoid sleeping

even though we are both spent

and there is still much to do at the old house -- a garage sale to have (everything for the sale has been left behind

but

I am here
and

very
very happy

I am off to take my first shower in my house

and am starting the adventure that is nocableTV (just hulu and Netflix -- whatever shall I do (faints))

the new adventure begins

Hoof in Mouth Disease

...or where B opens her yap and buys herself a whole lot more work.

I called my case manager (Aka Strawberry Shortcake) to ask if I had received permission to take Pixie out of state for her (sort of) sister's graduation

and she didn't know yet

we chatted for a minute and then I said,

"next time you come see us we'll be in the house"

she followed up with "have you had your inspection?"

and I chirped -- "no, I asked X and she told me we could do it later"

pause pause pause

and then she ended the conversation

a few minutes later she called me back

her supervisor (who still isn't as high up as X) vetoed this

and now

even though my movers arrive at 8am
I am being inspected at new house

at 1030am

while the furniture is still being moved into my house

all because

I'm a dope

now

big picture

I can just say, "yes -- I'll get that done"
because I have the mother of all excuses

but

it's one more stressor that I didn't need

That is all

off to dreamland

where hopefully I will NOT be in a boat on rough seas with a dozen water spouts all around us trying to crush our little boat

because that dream was loads of fun.

so much to do -- so little time

I'm worn out
more to do tomorrow

and I'll get done what I can get done

I am resolved not to worry too much about it

for now I have to move the garbage cans -- the lids are open and we're expecting a heck of a storm in the middle of the night

and while I hoped to talk to Tex - I think he's gone to bed.

I am missing him

but we'll catch up tomorrow night

tomorrow I'll get my mom out in the world -- show her how to use those motorized carts to shop with
and hopefully give her back some freedom

and take down all my curtains

and pack
and pack
and pack

and then clean so that when cps shows up to view my house tomorrow for the monthly visit she won't think I'm a dirty packer

well

or that the place is unsafe - which is all I care about

night all

B

Not writing

I haven't written for a few days

Thursday night I asked for permission not to
and last night I fell asleep on the sofa

so

no writing

and not really much to write about today

I am so busy and frustrated at work that I can't see straight
I am tired of being asked the same questions over and over
and pretending to not be super irritated by it.

at home -- I am finishing packing to move on Tuesday

things with Pixie seem to be going well - but I have a feeling of foreboding that I don't much like

I am waiting for something bad to happen

(is that terrible?)

perhaps because that's just how things have seemed to go in this case -- you want good things
but delays seem to pile upon delays
until you can't take it any more

mostly it's the stress

I'm going to stay focused on getting ready

tomorrow is another day

Where Beatrice admits that she's just a romantic fool

Tex and I had a text chat today

I told him I was struggling to put my finger on what's wrong with my FWB

I like the man
I'm attracted to him
I like talking to him
and he cares about me

but that deep connection
that submissive feeling
that

God

What is it?
bond?
that thing that binds me to him

isn't there

and

I find the roughness
the
same things I might find delicious from Tex

I find them
nearly intolerable

it's not technique
it's that my heart isn't in it

Why does it work with D instead?

well

for one

there's less D and more S in our D/s
there's a gentleness to it

but it's more than that
we have a lot of history D and I
and

He loves me in his way
and I love him in mine

there's a closeness

and while I crave the closeness
the touch

without the rest of it

I feel empty
and

I don't think I want to try to make something like that work for me any more

perhaps I am just a romantic fool

in fact

I know I am

I am who I am

I have learned what it is to love with my whole heart
and less
doesn't appeal to me anymore.

B fucks up

I forgot something important

the FWB that I was spending time when - that I cut off back in January

I remembered how much I like him as a person
how much I enjoy his company

I

just forgot

how much I don't like him in bed

and now

I'm back in

(sigh)

fuck me

I'm either going to have to coach him
(which might be hopeless)

or

end it again

so

yes -- I've been fucked
and I'm well

uncomfortable

but not in that delicious way you want to be

how can one man be so good at foreplay and not so great at the big show?

night all

B

A busy time

This week will be more than a bit hectic for me

I continue to work on the move in the small increments of time I have between toddler wrangling
and

it's the busiest time of year for me -- I'll be conducting 14 hour long meetings over the next 2 1/2 days and won't come up for air more than a few moments during that time

I'm a bit nervous - -because the topic of the meetings is highly unpopular
but

I'll be fine by meeting number 3 I'm sure.

I'm missing my man -- he's been off with his FWB spending Easter  -- and I've been with mine doing the same

it's easy to hide Easter Eggs by the way for a 23 month old -- you simply throw them in the yard and she enjoys picking them up

My poor mom hobbled to the new house but wore herself out
she's improving by stages

and I'm off to the store for her again in a few minutes to pick up a few things that we missed

work starts at 5:30am in the morning -- sleep well my friends

hugs

B

A bit better

And just like that -- the next day things improve

I really shouldn't blog when my emotions are high - it gives the impression that I'm moping about

when really -- I'm just packing and getting things done

I have decided that I need to work on getting some maintenance and think I'll get in contact with my former FWB -- he's a sweet man

and a good Dom

and may help me get my balance back

Tex has someone on his side that scratches his D/s itch

D is sweet
but

we don't see each other enough
and

well

he scratches a different itch.

I'll talk to Tex about it when he's back in touch

holidays you know

and until then

well

those boxes aren't packing themselves.

Anyone want to fly out and pack me up?

anyone?

tough talk

We had a tough conversation today

today we tossed out the hopes and dreams talk
and talked about reality

and it's good that we did
because I think it's important that
we both understand that there are concerns
that

we may or may not be cut out for real life

together

I think we are
I think we have a better chance than most

but

we have to have more time together

and

here's the thing

it can't be that I'm the one who always goes to him
because that doesn't really tell us what we would be like together
it is fantasy land

and

He doesn't know
(well - he does now)
that it made me a bit weepy

because it's hard to talk about the mushy stuff
and it's hard to talk about the emotional risk
and

hard to tell him that I think he holds back emotionally because he isn't sure we'll work out

and

I just wish we could make it better
and curl up together

today Long Distance sucks

tomorrow I'll be ok

but today

it sucks.
and I want a hug.

10 minutes

I have 10 minutes for blogging -- and while that seems like a long time a huge amount of blogging time is spent with fingers curved over keys

think
think
thinking

looking for the right word

or

in my world

hitting the return key too many times

I am frustrated with my lack of progress in the house
and need to kick myself in the pants

it's easier to accomplish things when you live with someone
you have someone to urge you on

to work shoulder to shoulder with

to spank if necessary

so I did a bit of self-spanking today to get my bootie in line

we'll see if it does the trick.

I'll set some goals for the weekend

the bunny is unlikely to do much at our house -- I'm not a fan of 2 year olds + chocolate -- so there is a basket and a stuffed animal -- but not much else

Tex thinks I should hide some eggs
and perhaps I shall

empty

Pixie won't care
she'll love it

maybe with one m & m inside to make them rattle

think
think
think

this is how the overblown easter starts -- baby steps -- followed by Peep Dioramas and over sugared tots wailing when they discover the chocolate bunny is hollow

it's a slippery marshmallow coated slope.

Spankraving

There was a moment
after D came in
and
I took off his shoes and socks
and he undid his belt
and
I heard the sound of the belt sing through the loops

and I had a what if moment

its been so long since I've had a spanking
and
I imagined in that split second getting one
pushed down
onto the bed
and
spanked to tears

and as fast as the fantasy hit
I realized I want it
but not from D

I need it
but not a random one

that it's not what I have with D

but tonight
when I talk to Tex
I'll be thinking about that sound
and how much
I crave

Getting some

before I get into that -- my mom doesn't need surgery and will wear a brace for about 10 weeks

she looked at me with doubt when I told her that putting on the brace would subtract 90% of the pain -- and I'm happy she was wrong -- because she was shocked at how much if helped

In the meantime - -D came to see me tonight

just for an hour

he texted me that he wanted pampering
which is sometimes what we have
he pampers
I serve

and it scratches a bit of the need
a lot of the need

but doesn't get me laid

I adjusted my expectations
but

apparently
he changed his mind
and

it was all about me
which was lovely

because I had lost my O lately
it's been hiding
shy

apparently it was buried in there and he found it and fucked it out of me

it brought friends

it's what I needed

Thank you Tex for letting me keep D

How I Broke My Mother

more floors today

it seems some yahoo broke a ball point pen at some point on the hardwood floors in my house and the ink soaked in

I sanded -- but then eventually found that some of the (less ground in spots) could be removed with a magic eraser

I found myself thinking about Mouse with all of my magic erasers as I scrubbed wall to wall of that room (otherwise there were suspiciously clean spots) -- and smiled a bit as I recalled how nuts I thought it was that she was on her hands and knees with the magic erasers

I'm buying another box tomorrow

While taking a break from scrubbing - the wifi guys were installing and I didn't want to be caught hands on the floor ass in the air scrubbing -- no matter how alluring that might have been to some sorts

my poor mom tripped and fell on my tile floors

and broke her kneecap

(insert internal scream here)

poor mom

she's crushed that she got hurt and can't help me
and worried that this is going to end up being a major injury

and I'm crushed that I broke my mommy
and worried that this is going to be a major injury

we had her lie down on the floor for a bit while she caught her breath and we applied ice -- the one pillow I've taken over under her knee

tomorrow it's the orthopedist for mom
and

I'll get my shit done at some point

poor mom

:(

Elbow Grease

The new home needs a bit of TLC

but the return on my investment so far has been awesome

the hardwood floors are original and need sanding in spots -- there are bits of paint to be removed and stains to be lightened -- and then -- the refinishing

2 rooms down -- 2 to go (and the hallway) -- and I'll be ready to start moving in

it's funny
but I wonder if I would love this house as much if I didn't have to spend some time on my hands and knees making it my own

and it makes me speculate if that follows with other things

does it follow with relationships?

certainly -- I think while we like the idea of an effortless relationship -- someone that requires no investment at all -- who is just ever present?

isn't as appealing as a relationship that one has to maintain

I think in the past I have been too willing to allow all the effort to be on my side

taking it on as my role in the relationship

the sub serves

I like what i have now
the give and take of it

and I like that we both have to be present
and maintain it

sustain it
protect it

invest in it

it does make me value it more
and I think he would say the same.

Ode de Fromage

Oh Havarti
How are Ye
so cruel to me
you munster
your creamy texture is so gouda
but you make me bleu
queso
It's just my feta
Asiago
and
go
and go

Slow going

Not to worry - I will be moving slowly

tomorrow
paperwork

signing over my life

and

cleaning

the Open House will have to wait -- and Yes -- we can have manhattans -- and THIS:

In case you're wondering- - it's pears on top - and chicken salad on the bottom

yum

but tomorrow it will be sandwiches and the first load unloaded -- liner in the kitchens and floors washed

and not a lot more

It's an exciting day -- and the first day of the next phase of my life -- the reconstruction years (after the divorce) are over.....

Carpetbaggers be gone!

My house

So - my new house was built in the 50's

I love older houses

some people don't
they like vaulted ceilings
and open plans

but I like
small cozy spaces

and white painted cabinets

I'm thinking I might have a house warming when I get all settled in
and serve a mid-century menu

with a hot crab dip
and a jello mold with corn floating in it

and sloe gin fizzes

want to come?

there may be a turkey loaf....just sayin'

Turning the corner

so I still sound tubercular

but I am feeling much
much better

I'm here in bed and finally have my appetite back and want to go stare at my pantry and drool

not that there's anything in there to drool over

some cheez-its maybe

the pretzel covered milano cookies are gone

damn it

and I refuse to bake right now

just silly

The kiddo has invited me to go to her graduation which is right in the middle of the moving
and I really should go

and I have to decide:  long road trip with a 2 year old
or
long road trip without her and find respite care

hmm

I hate both ideas

I would rather go see Tex -- but that's really out of the question

so

I'll ponder it and work it out
I'm sure she has a ton of crap that needs to come live in my garage for the summer

ok

back to good things

I feel good
and hungry again

and wishing I had asked for an O before bed

that HAS to be a good sign

love to you all

B

Dreams

Maybe it's the stress of buying a house
or
being so sick

but

I'm dreaming like crazy

slippery dreams that fall through my fingers moments after I wake up
leaving me with just a dim memory

sexy dreams that leave me wanting more

dreams that take place somewhere new

my alarm goes off
and I hit snooze
and settle back into them

for just

3 more minutes

Video Chat

I just hung up from a video chat with Tex

I cringed a bit to see it was a video call and not a phone call
but

as much as I hate looking so crappy
I also know I wanted to see him
and I think he wanted to see how I look

he didn't cringe or wince

nor did he say, "you look fine baby" -- which is good because I would know he was lying

I look like crap

but less like crap every day

so

I hinted awhile back that I was going to do something big
which has made this whole getting sick thing even more inconvenient

but here it is

I

am

buying

a

house.

in fact

my first house.

(yay!)

Yes -- I know I'm old to be buying my first house -- but seriously
my ex husband was really bad at life
and it drug me down for years and years

so here I am

now

on Friday

closing on my house

(and due to all of this grunge -- no where near ready to move)

but I'm not going to let that hold me back

I'm over the moon
and dreaming Codeine Cough Syrup dreams about it every night.

The Big Sleep

I was trying to come up with a catching title tonight and I thought about "The Long Sleep" -- which was actually "The Big Sleep" and I found myself off on a tangent

what I actually started to write about is that I put my head down on the couch for just a minute after my shower to watch something I DVRed -- and woke up at 1145

Whaaa?

today was the first day back at work (where I was told I look like crap) -- and I survived most of the day before calling it quits and coming home for a quick nap before I staggered in to get Pixie

dinner with the parents

then

home to THE BIG SLEEP

the actual sleep - -not the awesome Bogart/Bacall Barnstormer (see what I did there)

and now
I can pretend that was "napping" -- and go to sleep

B

PS -- Pixie is coming down with a bug now too (ugh)

Coming up for air

I just got off the phone with Tex
our first conversation in a week

it was going to be a quiet week for us anyway
it's spring break and he has his kids

we both want him to spend as much time with them as possible.

normally we would have chatted when he went to bed
but I've been lights-out early-early this week

today I had a 6 hour nap
and am about to call it a night

I've turned the corner
and
when I got on the phone he told me that I sounded terrible

which made me laugh
because I sound fucking awesome NOW

fortunately no video call - -because I look like hell

so

I am back
and am going to get back on the program

daily photos (that first one is going to be a bit rough -- )
and reports
and checking in

it's going to be slow going for a few more days
but day by day I'm getting there

Love to you all -- and thanks for the well-wishes.

B

yuck

I have not blogged for days

I have pneumonia

and it sucks

so

lots of sleep
and very little of Tex for me

but I will take my meds
and sleep my sleep
and soon -- it will be in the past.

Marked for Life

I've never been one for tattoos

I don't mind if you have one
but
I'm not going to encourage it

too

permanent

I've been on Pinterest

still too sick for much else

and came across a way to get your Sharpie Tattoo to last a month

(draw with sharpie (btw-- moisturize before drawing and you'll get less bleeding) -- cover with baby powder -- and then blow away the powder after a minute or so and spray with hairspray (about 1 foot away)

I'll let you know if it lasts

so

it's still March -- Question Month

my question for you is:

What tattoo would you get (or would you get next) and why)

Feeling sorry

I have been feeling sorry for myself today

because I feel really rotten

allergies are still beating me to death

and I'm on the 5th round of antibiotics this year

until

I went to the old blog

and read what I wrote a year ago today

********

A year ago today

I had 2 preteens in my house who were torturing me

I had bought a bunch of glow in the dark easter eggs which we hid around the yard for the girls to find
they came pre-filled

and the little one was so crushed by my pathetic attempt at Easter hoopla

that she had a complete meltdown
that included crawling to the car while howling

yes

1 year ago

life

is

so much better now

I am on my path
and new things are on the horizon

life

is

good

and

a racking cough
and raspy voice

is nothing

to cry about


so

no sympathy required

just some codeine cough syrup
and a good night's sleep

Friday

I skipped yesterday -- frankly -- I fell asleep while I was staring at the screen

in fact

 I actually fell asleep on a conference call yesterday

which would have been fine except someone else was in the room with me

(facepalm)

lately - -I'm exhausted

a bit of stress

and the cough is back

but rather than worry about it -- I'm just going to sleep a bit more

clearly my body wants more rest

I have a million things to do
but the body says rest

and

who am I to argue

I love...

...to feel his arm around me and his fist lock around my wrist tightly as he drifts off to sleep
....to feel him pull me closer if I try to roll away
....to feel his hand between my legs as I wake

I love to smell him on me hours later
to remember his hand in my hair so sharply that my head yanks back in recall

to shudder at the thought of his touch as my mind drifts the next day on a conference call

I love the weight of him on me
before
during

but especially after
as we lie spent
and I feel at his mercy

his presence so large
that it blots out the rest of the world.

Asking

I hate asking
it feels

bratty and demanding

and yet

how do we expect them to know what we want?
how do we expect them to know that we want to be with them
want more time

if we do not say so

and so

I have made clear that I want a visit
soon

and

we are working on making it happen

it's been a rough year for it
so much up in the air for both of us
and everything with us so new

I think that we met too soon and neither of us wanted to wait
and so we wait with each other

and

hope it will be enough
and

most of the time it is

we drift a bit apart
and then we pull back together

I worry that I've been in this spot before
believing that things will work out
but not having them work out
because he didn't want it as much as I did

and I work to remind myself that just because it describes the past
does not mean that it is my future

and so I ask.

and

while I cringe a bit at posting this

first because I don't want him to think that I'm freaking out

and second
because I don't really relish the thought of the kibitzing that is bound to come from the readers

I am bound by my word to blog as I would normally blog
and have faith that he not only can handle it

but most likely -- already knows where my head is at

and I don't know about the other bloggers -- but blogging things out always makes me feel better

my literary enema

so
yes -- I have asked
and

we shall see.

On the street where you live

About 7 or 8 months ago -- when the Pixie was new to my house -- I drove past the Walmart parking lot and noticed some people with puppies on the corner - -little white fluffy puppies for sale

Now

Pixie is terrified of dogs
but I thought

let's go see the puppies
and see how she does

and she was a brave little girl
and reached in an pet the little balls of fur

and was delighted

she still has a hard time with dogs
and freaks out at the full sized ones

but was over the moon over the puppies

any puppy

in fact

she talks about them all the time

we'll be driving along and she'll say "puppy mama"
and I'll say, "uh huh" or "Where baby"
and she'll babble something

but lately

I've noted

that every
single
time
we drive past Walmart

she talks about puppies

and points at the exact corner

she remembers

which freaks me out a  bit because I can't tell one walmart from another
but she can

there are just some memories that are stronger than others
that
become hardwired

I have a few of those myself
those treasured memories
that I bring out again and again

I'm happy I get to share that one with her
and now I say
"yes baby -- we saw the puppies there!"
and she smiles and nods.

musical interlude

Holy Minnie Mouse

I went to a birthday party today for twin 3 year olds -

they had a Minnie Mouse theme

we were greeted by Minnie Mouse head balloons
and Minnie Mouse Cake Pops
and
a huge Minnie Mouse Piñata

they did the whole magillah

now

I'm not a huge fan of giant birthday parties for children under the age of 6
in fact

I'm not a huge fan of them then

this party was swarming with kids
but then again
they know a lot of kids

I don't

and it was enjoyable
even though Pixie was intimidated enough that she basically wanted to hollow me out inside and crawl in like a Tonton.

I wandered about and visited and it all seemed normal
until something rather unsettling happened

Minnie showed up with her giant pink shoes and wandered around the party..

to watch herself be cannibalized and her body beaten with sticks while jeering children urged each other on to "hit her in the belly" and then pounce upon her entrails when she burst open on the ground

it was a bit unsettling.

I think when the time comes I'll just get a bounce house and call it a day.

Happy Belated Nowruz

I've had Nowruz on the brain today -- I'm cleaning out a number of things around my house and I came across a box

and inside the box are 2 eggs that were blown out and (at that time) my exchange student and her Iranian/Swedish friend decorated for me

we had been on a road trip
and on the day we got back -- Miss S (our guest) started to receive many emails and calls -- family wishing her a Happy Nowruz

She had forgotten that it was Persian New Year -- it snuck up on her
and

we decided to celebrate it
as best we could

right then

We got online
and she explained how her family celebrated
and

we made our Nowruz table

with fresh fruit
and some baklava we got from a Middleeastern market we found
and a bible (she said any Holy book would do)
and a mirror
and some candles
and the decorated eggs

and we put our heads together
because she said that it was important that we jump over a fire -- at the first moment of the new year

and

I didn't know how to make that happen at 3am in my little apartment (somehow we wanted it to be at the same time her family might be doing it)

and ultimately
I found a cookie tin with a Santa on it from Christmas
and a bunch of votive candles
and went out in the night

teens in tow

to jump over the candles -- leaving last year in our wake

it was a happy day
and it made our friend so happy to make her own Nowruz
to be the teacher
to share her traditions with us
as best we all could

I have been so blessed these past years
and
I never want to forget these wonderful moments
and can't wait to see what memories I build in the new year

Happy Nowruz to you all.

Quiet

I was quiet yesterday

I didn't feel like blogging
it's hard to say something when you have nothing to say

I woke up happy
and was happy throughout the day

but for no particular reason
just happy

and

I made some big decisions
and

I just wanted some time with my own thoughts

lately

Tex is quiet as well
not his fault

but quiet

he's working late hours
and
is far away from me

as far as he's ever been

again
not his fault

he's worn out
but

sometimes I'm greedy
and want more

I'm lucky though
because he knew there would be times when I would need more
and he's allowed for that

and I'm lucky
to have D for those times

who I've spoken off too harshly in the past
thinking him selfish

lol

well

he is that

but he fills the same need for me that I do for him
so perhaps we are both selfish

but soon
I hope soon
I will find a way to have more Tex time
and be filled up at last.

Peeee-eeeew

I washed my hair with a new product last night -- and I can't stand the smell of my hair

I can't even describe it properly

a mix of baby powder and something bitter perhaps with just a whiff of rancid?
it's just fowl

I have to wash my hair again before I can go to bed

but I'm happy as I go in -- even if it's going to bed with a wet head
because I got about an hour on the phone with my man

this time just on the phone

no Skype or hangout -- which sometimes is a bit distracting

but his warm voice in my ear
a bit slurry because he's exhausted from a busy work week

I have a wedding to go to in the fall and the crazy bride (my bff) wants to order the shoes -- because - you know - -sometimes it takes 7 months to get shoes ordered and dyed.

you can't be too careful.

 -- we chatted a bit
and mused what it would be like to be together all the time
and
admitted that it might work
and might not

but also thought about how nice it would be

we're going through a tough bit of time
not a lot of time for each other
and a long time since we've been together

but right now

I'm happy
and I think this works for him as well
but
I do miss him
and will sleep on his side of the bed until he crawls in with me

What I'm not saying...

...well -- I'm being a tease -- because I'm not saying what I'm not saying.

I have some interesting things going on and it involves some big decisions

and I feel like a big grownup lately

I'm not talking about what's going on because that's sort of my way

I don't like to talk about my thought process until I have a better idea of the outcome.

which is not to say that I'm not talking about it

certainly to Tex

and a few others

my family

but

I'm not ready to say what all is going on until it's all done

and as a blogger -- it makes it tough

because it limits what I have to write about

do you all do that?

hold off on blogging until all the thinking is thunk?

Wet and Slimey

I had to go to a funeral today -- in a small town about an hour 1/2 away

I took Pixie

my Mom's got a bug

I've been a bit icky myself -- too much cheese -- too much stress -- not enough sleep
the potty and I have been like this:

ok - I'll have to admit that I was looking for an animated gif of fingers crossing and I found that instead -- and it cracked me up

I just watched The Walking Dead and I'm still a bit shook up by it (if anyone watched the episode on March 16th -- you know what I mean)

so -- I pulled myself together and made the drive to podunksville for this work-related funeral -- and sat in the back -- it was a super religious service where we were called together to praise his name etc etc -- typical of the gigantic state in which I live

and the Pixie
was

wait for it

perfect

no running through the aisles
no crying
just sitting quietly
or getting on momma's lap

playing a bit

being fed a few Lucky Charms (which seem to be sugarier now -- she was very sticky) -- and even cleaning up some milk she spilled on the floor.

towards the end she was sitting on my lap facing me
and decided she was done eating snacks and it was my turn

and was a bit hurt that I didn't want to eat the goldfish cracker that she had just pushed partway up her nose before shoving the wet and slimy thing at my mouth.

It was a good day
and the potty and I?

well -

we've decided to just be friends.

When did I become an earth mother

something about the last year and 1/2 seems to have made expectant mothers think I'm wise

shh

don't let on
that I'm just as lost as they are

I donated some infant things to a new young mom (well - about to be)
and we chatted and shared
and

I tried not to let her know that I'm a fraud
just taking it day by day

Busy busy busy

He is freakishly busy
and
I am trying to be a big girl
and not demanding

he has his kids
and is very tired
I imagine he fell asleep

but sometimes
I'm a pouty little girl
(mostly times like now -- late at night -- in the dark and silence)

and I want to stomp my foot and demand

but instead
I will sleep
and

tomorrow
the pouty girl will be gone
and I will be busy busy busy too

Loving

Sometimes I write a title and and sit there and stare at it

Do you write that way?  Start with the title and then see where the blog goes? -- or do you write and then find the title that goes with it

funny

I generally thing that movies and books that seems to start with a punny title tend to suck
but I blog that way (the move "He's just not that into you" anyone?)

At any rate

I wrote the word loving
and now

I have to figure out where I'm going with that.

I saw D last night
he came over and we had some time together

when he arrives he kisses me and usually grabs my hair and leads me to my room
little talk

the talk comes a bit later
after I'm settled into my place
usually on my knees facing him

and
he called out
that I remember all of the things that he likes
and do them
lovingly

not obediently
but
lovingly

and it made me think about the difference in that
because there have been times when I have obeyed
endured
complied
withstood

but not served lovingly

and this I think is where I have finally found the right place for me

because
although I thought I wanted D to come over and spank and have his way with me
it's not what I needed

I needed to serve lovingly
and that is what scratched my sub-itch

(OMG  -- it makes me sound like I'm bragging -- I don't mean it that way)

it is what I miss the most by being far from Tex

that I cannot show him over and over
that I cannot serve him and comfort him

I can talk to him
I can share with him
I can follow the rules and be a good girl
but
I cannot serve him lovingly in the small ways that feed me

I need it as much as I need the rest

and of course -- D is the ideal surrogate -- because he's such a Peter Pan -- he'll never want more --and never give more

I am a sweet beloved toy that he takes out of the box ever 6 weeks or so
and cherishes
and carefully replaces
until next time

and he is much the same for me.

Tex is much more the whole picture for me
but much of the time
I have just a tiny sliver of him
through all these miles

I'm grateful that he wants me to be sustained
and grateful that I have D who we can both trust to take care of me
in those little ways Tex cannot right now.

More Questions to be answered

Fiona also asked:


What is your current favorite song to listen to when you're happy/sad?

ok - so
I don't really listen to music
at least not much
I turn on the radio - mostly NPR
and if I'm bored with NPR (or bored with news from the Ukraine)
I switch over and listen to the 70's station
or
indie rock

but -- I don't have an iPod
or a record player
and haven't bought a CD in ages

Music doesn't soothe me

silence
silence soothes me

when I'm jangled - I want quiet

now
if I want to sing?
it's torch songs

but that's an answer to a question you didn't ask.



What is a trait of Tex that makes your smile biggest/that makes you cringe?

I don't know how to answer that
we haven't been together enough to know each other
a trait that makes me smile?
well

when we were together it was all firsts
and learning how things would be

he worked hard to make it feel normal and everyday
but
it was still new

but that look he gave me when I started to walk on the wrong side of him
that made me stop in my tracks
it made me smile and cringe
all at once



What is your favorite way to masturbate for Tex when he isn't right next to you? What do you fantasize about?

This is the question that I didn't want to answer -- because

I don't really fantasize that much
I don't have a porn movie running in my head
while I enjoy stories
I don't break them out much

if I need a push over the top
I imagine his voice in my ear
which is warm
and stern
and familiar after so many hours with him on the phone

and as for HOW - well - he's the boss -- I don't get to choose -- so my favorite is immaterial.

here endeth the answering.