5 years

Mr C sent me a message the other day -- telling me it was 5 years since we met.

He remembers such things
He has one of those perfect minds that recalls every single thing
which seems to be both blessing and curse

and I thought

wow

5 years?

it means
in a few weeks
I've been aware of this side of me

for 5 years

it seems longer
and less time too

because I always feel new

particularly now-- since those days I am only a theoretical sub
a paper sub

a philosophical one

my sub itch scratched every few weeks by a minimal application of control from D

and I don't know quite what to do about it

or how important "play" is to me

or even how I could present myself as any sort of experienced sub when my asscalluses have all dropped off

I am the wimpiest of subs these days I think

I have come to the realization that I don't want D/s without that intensity of connection
I don't want to submit to anyone but Tex these days

which is hard
because

he is not here
and I don't know
when or if he will be.