A little sex for my sex blog

I'm supposed to blog my thoughts each day

but if I wait until tomorrow to blog today's thoughts they will be watered down versions

so I will write tomorrow's blog tonight and post it in the morning
better
fresher

well

at least better preserved

Tex has been busy
and I've been sick

so no chat time until Sunday night
and

we have time on the phone for a bit

but a few minutes in his brother calls and he decides to take the call

so

in normal world?
sort of insulting - right?

but this is Dom world
where it's fucking hot

because we're still on Cam
and he has me playing a bit
and then more than a bit

before he gets his brother off the phone

and focuses his attention on me

he has me get the plug
the small one for obvious reasons (the recent hostilities down south require a gentle approach)

and has me begin to masturbate
and fuck myself
with my vibe

my legs tucked up gumby-like in lotus at my chest
(a shockingly comfortable position for me -- I'm a bit boneless that way)

and has me cum
and cum
and cum

now

I hate CAM

I mean I HATE it

Cam has always made me feel far away from my partner - -disconnected

the eye contact maybe?
I don't know
but I avoid it like the plague

but Tex's eyes twinkle on Cam
and we joke about where that cricket sound is coming from (it's obviously somewhere on his side -- he mistakenly believes it's a southern cricket)
and

I can't wait to see him
and
if he wants to see me from that angle
I want him to see me from that angle

*  *  *

towards the end
right before we hung up
he had me bring out my clothespins

and

I'm sure all of you are thinking - Oh Jeez - is Beatrice going to make a big deal out of 2 little clothespins?

well

see

um

I don't have cute little bunny nose nipples
I have big meaty nipples

and the pins hurt like the dickens

Tex wanted me to know that if I'm a good girl - I get them removed the "good way" as shown on nipple A

or the bad way
as demonstrated on nipple B - -which is pulling the bugger off

except that I'm too much of a baby to do it

so

a swing and a miss by the masochist rookie

we'll see what the coach has for her next.

Half a dream

Last night
I had a half a dream

a whiff of a dream

I dreamed about being with Tex
and in this dream

I could feel him
hard between my legs
hard inside me

I rode
slowly
powered
by his hands on my hips

and nearly
nearly

broke my rule and came

shaking myself back out of it

lately I am in two worlds

one domestic
and filled with work concerns
focused on what I need to do
to run my life

family
and home
and hearth

and the other
focused on him

learning new rules
which are light at the moment

a whiff as well of what's to come

and

I'm calm about those next steps
I'm excited about them
It feels
good
and right

he feels good and right

and naughty as well

a blog a day about what I think and how I feel
and today

this is how I feel
and what I think

and I am happy in this moment in time
and am wide awake

A blog a day

I've had a lot to write about lately

but - not as much today

I've been sick
and have turned the corner on sickness

but to do that I have not left my house other than to go pick up the Pixie since Thursday.

My parents are literally shoving food through my front door and driving away
dipping themselves in hand sanitizer when they get back home

the Pixie and I did ok - lots of naps -- and a poo in the tub

you can decide which one of us did that

and I'm quietly watching Much Ado on ONDemand

As I wait to see if Beatrice will get her Benedick - I know that is the question we are all asking -- but my question will not be solved in two hours

and I'm glad of it

I am enjoying my journey

Tex is at home this weekend with his kids
so  quiet weekend for us

as it would have been anyway
he's not going to spend over an hour on Skype with me while there are 15 yr olds afoot

nor should he

I like that he's a good dad

but it makes for little that is blogable

(btw - I just spent more time than you would believe trying to decide if there is one g or two in blogable).

So - back to Joss Wheden and his pal's -- to see if fair Hero wins her Claudio (both of them too empty headed for my taste) -- and eventually - we'll know about how Beatrice fairs in her quest.

Break from the story

Tex has his kids this weekend -- so I expect it to be communication-light this weekend.

In the meantime I woke up in the middle of the night -- feeling terrible.

the sort of terrible where you have a conversation with yourself for a few hours

you're fine
you're fine
you're fine

breathe -- you're fine

but ultimately

it was fruitless

I haven't been this sick in about 10 years
Mom & Dad too the Pixie

and I've moved from bed to sofa as the big event of the day

it makes it a bit harder to focus on the next chapter of the story.

but we won't leave our couple with just a spanking
at some point we'll take them out to dinner

(ugh - did I just mention food?  - you're ok, you're ok, you're ok....)

so

thinking positive:

1) - -I got a free 3 day weekend
2) -- I lost 7 lbs
3) -- I needed to change the sheets anyway


so -- germy hugs all around
and tomorrow is another day!

Tell me what you need (pt 3)

Bea's nerves were settled now -- Tex had firmly taken control and helped her settle into her place.  She drove towards her home.  So different from the typical Starbucks date -- chatting for a few hours before deciding if we were a yes or a no

so much time was already invested for them both

She tried to focus on the road -- but his hand in between her legs threw her off a bit.

ok - more than a bit.

a lot.

They chatted on the way home -- about his kids and hers 

Bea got out of the car -- and fumbled for her house keys -- Tex took them from her and smoothly opened the door -- guiding her inside and in one swift move pushed her back against the wall -- Bea got to her tip toes to kiss him

and Tex shook his head

"Tell me what you need, little girl"

Bea blinked at him

"I need you, Daddy"

Tex smiled, "No, little girl -you've been begging for it -- tell me what you need"

and Bea looked at her feet

turning bright red

talking with this man

that was stranger

and yet

confidant

friend

Dom

lover already

and said, "Spank me, Daddy - -please?"

Tex peeled off her clothes

and led her to the big chair

pulling her over his knees

and began

to warm her bottom

and soften her will

Bea squirmed

and squeaked

and left a damp spot on his lap

as he spanked

and probed

and teased her

making her his

and starting the night off spectacularly

Our Chemistry (pt 2)

Homework continues:

***************************

 

Bea fidgeted -- but sooner than she would have thought he came through the gate and made a beeline for her -- not slowing for a moment has he moved straight into her arms, hands in her hair and kissed her soundly until little moans escaped her mouth

 

She staggered back a bit at the force of it --  teetering on her high heels (he loved them so much on cam - she had to wear them today). 

 

A light packer he swept her out the door one hand on her waist as they searched for her car.

 

They made out a bit in the car before he told her to get after it and start it up -- she pulled out of her spot in the parking garage -- and at his direction took them up to the top level -- directing her to one end of the lot

 

"you've waited a long time to taste this cock little girl", Tex said

 

"I have" -- she said quietly -- looking around nervously

 

And she asked for permission

and was granted

the first taste

the first experience

as Tex enjoyed his first taste in months of the North Texas sky

and settled his little girl's nerves about something so silly as failed chemistry.

Baggage Claim A23

I have a homework assignment to plan a first meeting for us -- what we will do - might do - from when I pick him up Friday night -- until I drop him at the airport Sunday afternoon.  This is my fictional image of this -- as it's just a fantasy at this point -there are no plans yet -- just daydreams....

Bea was a bundle of nerves.

 

Finally, she was going to meet him.  She changed clothes a half a dozen times that day -- wishing that her Man had just picked something out for her instead of leaving the choice up to her.  First impressions are so important.

 

Not that he had never seen her -- he had seen her on Skype nearly every night for a month.  He had seen her from angles she wasn't able to see herself.  But still

 

that first moment

that first glimpse of each other

 

the chance to wrap her arms around him

 

the risk of the failure of chemistry

 

was nearly crushing.

 

Bea wished she was a drinker -- a shot of tequila would do wonders right now.

 

She had toyed with the idea of holding up a sign at the airport with his name

 

but a card reading "Daddy" might seem that she was announcing to him that she was pregnant

 

She smoothed her blue skirt down -- checked the cleavage (at work she would pull the shirt up -- but decided on a smidge more for his pleasure -- and got out of the car in the Arrivals parking lot and went inside to find him

 

Baggage Claim A23

 

Homework

I feel like Tex and I are a cutting from a plant
a very small cutting

that needs to be allowed to grow slowly

I see us a leaf in a jar on the windowsill

slowly growing a nest of roots tangled together

In time

we'll take the cutting out of the water
and introduce it to some dirt
and work to make it thrive in that new environment

slow is good in our case

as it may be some time before we can do anything about it

I cannot really travel until the Pixie's case is settled - at least without putting her with another foster family - I can't just leave her with my parents for the weekend like a normal mom.

which isn't to say that I won't do that at some point - but not immediately - and not often.

so

we shall be remote for some time

Tex has given me homework

to plan out a first meeting

from the moment I pick him up from the airport on Friday night

to the moment I drop him off on Sunday afternoon.

a fantasy of course

and I shall treat it as such

rather than an itinerary of events

I'm looking forward to writing it

a story for us.

I don't remember liking homework quite this much in school.

Someone needs to tell the Pixie....

...that rainbow showers are a hard limit.

My safe word is "EWWWWWWW"

Love Letters

I have written him a love letter

well - a smitten letter

whatever.

an actual letter
on paper
in ink

mailed to his home


I love the idea of him holding it
holding something I have held

I love the idea of him opening it
smelling my perfume

is it wrong to want to make him want me
to be as distracted as I am by him?

to be swept away

I told him the other night that if I fall I want to take him with me
and

I think he would be more than happy for me to fall down the rabbit hole with him right now

but I'm going to cling onto the edge
just a

tiny

bit

longer

Distractions

I just got off the phone with Tex - he reminded me that I had not posted yet today

the truth is

I didn't know what to write

He made some suggestions during the day
but I've never done well with assignments

being assigned TO write - is one thing
WHAT to write -- something else entirely

Tonight I am more than a bit distracted by the fact that the Pixie is in there coughing
nothing more I can give her for it tonight
and I hate hearing it

it's dreadful

I was horribly distracted during my call with Tex -- I would go in and check on her - but I know she is sleep-coughing (since there's no crying) and I'll just wake her up and make her cry -- create snot - and cough even more

I'm more than a bit distracted at work - he sends me messages and I adore them
but I am thinking of him constantly

and thinking about how this will all work out in the end

and

I'm distracted by how I'm feeling
because he wants me to write about how I feel

and I don't know quite yet

I'm on my way to feeling something very strong for him

but the hope of what I want is so mixed in with the emotions that I'm feeling that I am cautious of them

I don't want to be under the spell of WISHcraft

but I do wish it so very much

So I'm going to deal with things one at a time

first things first

I'm going to get some sleep - because if Pixie is still this under the weather in the morning - I'm headed to the Dr first thing

if we even make it through the night - -we might go in tonight if this coughing stays this bad

Poor Pixie.

Poor me.

B

(PS -- as I wrote this I got a call from work -- 2 associates going at it - -so work will be fricking awesome tomorrow)

What I don't know about him

I'm struggling with what to blog about today

there's so much I don't know

I want to ask it all

I want to play 20 questions with him

I want to play I Never

but

I also want to take our time

I don't want to flame out

I don't want to reach that place where we know it all too soon

I want to savor our stories

I want to taste them
bit by bit

I spoke to the BFF today and told her I met someone

and she asked me about him
and
I shared (some) of what I know of him

but

mostly

I like that I'm a whole person with him
and he's a whole person with me

and that's more rare than I thought it would be
more special than I thought it would be

and much more worth the wait

In the end

(I wrote this tonight and but it in the box for later - but decided I should publish it -  because Tex doesn't want me to edit - just publish -- so -- here it is - unedited - as written at about 8pm tonight)

Tex would like for me to eventually be a slave.

I don't know if I have it in me
and I'm not sure it's important for me to know that now

I think it's just important the he knows that I don't know if I have it in me

In every relationship you start off one place and end up somewhere else

and who am I to dictate where that somewhere else is?

I started thinking about this again while reading mouse's blog

and I wonder
could I ever been a consensual slave as mouse is?

I don't think I'm made of the right stuff

then again

with the right master
with the right man
who wants what is best for you
and who knows you as you know yourself

could I do it?

(laughs at myself)

even as I type this I am saying in my head

"well - except for child-rearing

and family decisions
and

not finances -  certainly not finances

and I would still want to be able to choose my friends

and

and

and"

Tex and I have talked about limits and trust - and how putting limits on things states in many ways that you don't trust your partner to do what's best for you

but

of course
we all have limits

he had me complete a checklist a few days ago and send it to him
of things I've done
and not done

and there were things that I was "hell no" on

branding
and drinking blood

(really - DRINKING blood?  fuck no)

but ultimately
you have to trust your partner
to love you
and cherish you

and to play nice with his toys
because broken toys are no fun

and breaking a toy you love is a deeply sad thing

but

will I be what he wants me to be in the end?
I doubt it

because I think we would both find out what I will be
and what he will be in the end

when we get there.

It's a fine line

It's a fine line between creepy stalker and romantic fool

If you are into someone
and they send you

oh say

25 or 30 texts in a day

it's adorable

and if you're not?

you're looking for a way to block them
and trying to remember if you've told them
enough about you that they
can track you down
and put you in a pit
so they can love you forever
and ever

I've written about this before
in the other blog

the Abominable Snowman syndrome

that you're either the one who loves too much
or the one who's squirming to get away

only
at least so far
for now

neither of us is running away

a bit more like this

well

unless this post is his "it rubs the lotion in it's skin or else it gets the hose again" moment

in which case I take it back

sleepy girl

I've been very tired lately

the baby
work
dating

life in general has worn me out

but

Tex allowed me to masturbate once Friday -- once Saturday and once Sunday while he's away

Friday -- I did my best -- but my heart wasn't in it -- I didn't make it -- and that's ok - sometimes I'm not really in the mood

last night

I was worn out

I took a shower to wash off the stench of used yogurt and crawled into bed
and got out my vibe

I put it on my clit and closed my eyes a bit
just to warm myself up

and um

woke up

over an hour later
vibe still in place

by that time - try as I might -- I couldn't cum
overstimulated

and I gave it a break

it's been a weird weekend

here's hoping that my third free pass works better for me!

Mommy's night out

I feel at bit like I'm on house arrest -- some sort of work-release program that allows me to go to work
and run chores

but requires that I be home by 730

so

tonight I was just going to go out to the movies

not with friends

just by myself

and I had a little plan for how I was going to demonstrate my birthday fantasy plan

(and I'll work on that tomorrow and will keep it to myself since you know who reads here too)

it was nice of my parents to take the Pixie for the night

so I could go to the movies
and eat some popcorn

and do my homework

but about 20 minutes ago
my happy laughing baby
started vomiting like a fountain

all over me
and my pants

buckets

all over Gram's carpet

so

into the tub
and strip off mommy

(um Tex?  the going commando thing became a bit of a problem when I had to strip off at my parent's house - -Thank you PopPop for some jammie pants)

and mommy's night out
is mommy's night in

Thank you STARZ for a free weekend
I'm in for the night

and once I stop smelling like puke
I'm going to watch a movie
and eat some popcorn
and

have a mommy's night in.

Dreams

I am having
and remembering my dreams a lot lately

usually a sign of stress for me
or major change

A few nights ago I dreamed that I started a new job and at orientation I discovered that each new employee received a new kitten.  If you didn't want the kitten, you were required to sign the Kitten Declination Waiver

I was staring at the waiver reading it while the HR person held up a mewing kitten (and everyone else is petting their kitten in a room filled with adorable mewing) saying "I don't want a kitten - and the HR person keeps pressing me to take the kitten.  I signed the waiver eventually (meow, meow, meow)

yesterday I was waiting all afternoon for the delivery of an AC unit that never came

I fell asleep on the sofa and dreamed of my ex husband -- someone I haven't dreamed of in years

We had a horrible fight which he tried to end by making love to me -- and I freaked out in the dream and shouted at him (I'm not a big shouter so this was strange) and threw him out of my house

I am stressed beyond belief at work
and

as I get closer to the November court date - I think more and more that the date will be extended -- or that things may not go in my favor

I alternately have the fantasy of getting the Pixie
and
losing the pixie

both are beyond emotional

and yesterday I finally wrote to the Man and told him about Tex.

and he was sad
as am I

we keep mourning the loss of each other over and over again
and we need to stop

just stop

Yes I will always love him

I will also

always love

Mr. C
M
Sir P

I have never stopped loving a man in my life

I even love the Ex

but it is time to move ahead
and free myself for new possibilities

whether Tex is the one or not

it's time

lol

it's time to sign the Kitten Declination Waiver and move on

A weekend alone

It shouldn't feel different
but it does

I'm not used to having a Tex around - things are new new new

but he's spoiled me
with hours spent on Skype

He joked about having cameras in my house (which is of course impossible -- he doesn't even know where I live and we live 1200 miles apart - which takes away any creepiness in that statement)

and I joked back that we could just leave Skype open all the time or set up a nanny cam

and laughed

Tex is going to be away this weekend
we've agreed to maintain our casual FWB relationships
as we will not be together physically for some time

I am not a nun
nor is he a monk

He will be seeing her -- I assume she is a sub or slave
it's his birthday weekend - -and she's planned something nice for him

and I'm happy for him
I will keep my relationship with D
assuming that we continue

and it will keep us going

in the meantime
I have some homework
(which is good-- as I shall miss him)

I had a list of BDSM activities to rank
Scale of 1 - 5 - soft or hard limits

and I'm also asked what I would do if I were planning his birthday weekend

so we shall have some fun here as I throw the ideas around.

and it will pass the time.

I shall miss him
and how nice it is to have someone to miss.

Big Questions

Tex isn't afraid of the big questions

which is a bit startling.

I am so used to the stereotypical male who is afraid of commitment
so much so that one doesn't whisper it in the early days
for fear he might be spooked

like a deer in hunting season

we hunters have learned to feign an aloof approach

so

Questions he asked today
acknowledging that it's a long ways off

he asked

When he moves down here -- would I want him to live with me -- or take time to get to know each other physically

and later

when I told him that I craved to have a man to take care of
he made me tell him

why
and how

and I warned him that the answer made me sound like a stalker girl
and Tex essentially told me

to bring it

bring it on

and

I did

I poured it all out
vulnerability be damned

and he smiled
and let me curl up next to him
(metaphorically)

and accepted it
and made me feel it was all possible
all of it

not assured

but hoped for by him as well

tailor made to sweep me off my feet y'all

hopefully when I fall - he's there to catch me.

Tex

So - He-who-needed-a-name has chosen one for himself

Tex

he wanted Big Tex -- but I reminded him about what happened to Big Tex

(from the Texas State Fair last year)

and we agreed that just Tex was best.

I have some rules

and we're starting off slow (which I think is good) and building from there.

I have sent him my typical schedule for the week - if I am varying off my schedule I need to inform him of the change (he says in the future it will shift to ask permission - but I'm comfortable with this for now)

I have to blog every day -- he didn't know I was a blogger and was going to assign journalling when I confessed that I blog. - So Tex will come here to read -- (be gentle readers) -- and that will add a different dynamic to the blog (hopefully a good one)

I must ask permission to cum --

oh

and I must stop saying Yeah -- (as you know) - and make it "yes Sir - no Sir" or "yes Daddy, no Daddy" - I haven't quite worked out which

out loud it's been Sir
in my head

it's sometimes Daddy

it's been a rough week -- the harder the week - the closer I am to "Daddy"

Long time readers will know that while I've tried "daddy" on - I've not stuck with anyone who was a "daddy" - but I do hope to find someone that I can settle in with that way - who feels right.

Tex said that I will have a bedtime and and a wake up time -- of course - the last bit puzzled me a bit as I don't laze about in bed -- I get up naturally early, unless of course he makes me go back to sleep when I get up too early.

(the above was written last night after phone call #1)

In the first call I asked for permission to cum - hoping for a yes -- as I have not masturbated enough as of late and it's making me feel less sexual.  He sends me naughty texts throughout the day and asks how I feel about them - and without much action, it hasn't had as strong of a reaction as I would like.

I was told yes
but only if he could watch

and while up until the last day -- I have not been brave enough to strip down on cam - I asked for a few minutes to do some chores -- and then he called back
and

gulp

put the cam between my legs

not my best angle.

I've been asked to send photos from that angle to others in the past and I find them cringe worthy - as I judge my thighs far more from that angle

but

some things you just do
don't question

just do

accept that if he finds me unattractive
or unappealing because of it

that he does

and remember that at some point - you would be more than happy for him to view me from that angle.

it was an important moment of trust for me

and although it took awhile
I came spectacularly

in a bone loosening rush

and then lounged on my side looking up at him
and thinking

yes
this man

is a yes.

Yeah

He wants me to break the habit

I didn't think I did it that much
but

um

yeah

I do

I say "yeah"
and "um"
and "ok"

way too much

I type it

so maybe I don't want to sound like this

He-who-has-yet-to-be-named has given me 3 weeks (20 more days) to give up this habit
to break it

and I imagine it will take every minute of that time to make the break

and in other news

he will be reading
and in fact
will be requiring that I write much more than I have in the past

as you all know - I have some mixed feelings about that -- in that it's hard to keep the blog voice true when you know he's reading it
or at least it is for me

and those long time readers will remember that it caused a few bumps with Mr. C back in the day.

but

hopefully - he can take it all with a grain of salt.

it's time to call him
and I'll try to keep it down to 10 Yeahs or less

it's a 12 step program

There's a new sheriff in town

ok - I don't think his name will be sheriff

but

well

there's a new man

and he's several things I didn't want
but many more that I did -- um - do

He does  not live here
but he is working on moving here
and is FROM here

in fact

he loves living here SO much he actually thinks Blue Bunny ice cream is the best ice cream (really?  in the world? -- EVER?  I don't think so - that's just lone star pride talking)

It may be awhile
but it's his goal

and I LIKE him

there was one other contender - -who I liked quite a bit
but was too young for me
and still married -- although in an open marriage -- and after we started to talk he told me that they were calling it quits

apparently?

no one told HER they were in an open marriage

because she CALLED me yesterday

yeah

angry wife call
for a man I've only texted with
not even racily
just conversationally

well fuck you and the wife you rode in on.

so

it cemented for me all that I like about my lone star man
and

I consented
and
it made
and makes me smile

so we're going to start working on what we will look like
but a few things won't change

we'll still have our casual FWB relationships -- I can keep D for a bit

and

I'll have to tell him about this place
and
figure out if reading is good
or reading is BAD

and we'll take our first steps

and he'll need a name

for sure.

AYFKM

Are You Fucking Kidding Me!

so

the AC - which took a week to fix?

is broken again

so I'm back in my parent's guest room
which

is

NOT ideal

In other news

I have sent Tommy Chong packing -- I got quite a lecture from the Man about it (deservedly so) -- so Mr. C doesn't have to now (hint hint hint)

I am slammed at work
and

well
wishing I could find someone who doesn't have an asterisk next to his name

X* is great but...

* he's married
* he smokes pot
* he's 30
* he doesn't live locally

and I will

at some point

in the meantime - I should just accept that I'm really having the longest term relationship I've had in a long time with Wayne the AC repairman

a hiccup

So

the date was way longer than I wanted
I was ready for him to go home

and he stayed

and as the night wore on
and I thought I would get mine?

I didn't

nope

not until the wee hours of the morning
and then it was from nipple play

which are only little ones for me

I finally asked to masturbate

he's a nice man
but more than a bit selfish

he's a great kisser
and is smart and funny
and direct
and an alpha male

but

he smokes
and smokes pot

um

in my backyard
without asking ahead of time
and spent way too much of the date high

(OMG  -- when Mr. C reads this I'm going to get such a look from him)

and while I think he can be my friend
and someone I see from time to time

I can't let this be where I spend so much time that I never meet anyone

B

PS -- I feel sorry for the next man I give a blow job too - because I am worn out from it -- this guy used up a month of BJ's in one night.

A start

Here I am - not through the first date -- in bed next to a man I haven't even thought to nickname yet

He's a Daddy Dom - perhaps I shall call him Daddy here -- that remains to be seen.

Truth be told I was depressed before this date

I nearly cancelled it

a Dom friend randomly reached out to me today -- just to say hello and I expressed my frustration which left me in tears

to the point that I didn't think I would pull it back together

I had a coffee date with the Daddy Dom set for 2 -- the man I've been talking and talking to

but who I have not made that impossibly tight connection with yet

and after the Man - can you blame me?

I put my heart out there and got it stomped

not on purpose

but stomped nonetheless

so I entered this date without the giddy excitement I might should have had

and I waited at Starbucks -- the starting place of many a kinky encounter

and he walked in

and walked up to me

and I stood to greet him

and he stepped close for a hug

and he kissed me

well

he says I kissed him

and we got our drinks

and he decided we needed to go to my place

right then

deal breaker right?

but

as I stood on my tip toes to kiss him

I knew

that we've already had the hours of coffee dates on the phone

so

I took him home

we're 7 hours into the date

and he's asleep beside me

I'm too wired to sleep

but this is a good start

a very good start

hope

Tonight there was this moment

as I talked with him on the phone

feet pulled up in my chair

a pose direct from my 16 year old self

skirt puddled high around my thighs

chatting for ages with my crush

that I was transported

He was sitting there beside me

all distance removed

as we shared our stories

and grew closer together

and I was reminded

of what I want

what I crave

what I need

through this taste

and hope was renewed

that I will

indeed 

find my man

Not Nicholas

So we met
and

as we talked

there's a gulf between us
I had some doubts

and it wasn't really there for him either

and while we made another date
I followed up
and we agreed to part a few hours after our meeting

why can't it always be this easy?

"hey - are you feeling it?"
"no - me neither -- best to you"

and move on.

again

this may just not be my time to find someone

still struggling over the loss of the Man

I'm not ready to give up
but I'm also still not willing to settle.

Nicholas

I've been quiet lately

nothing to write about
busy

this weekend I'm at my parents which is always a strange thing -- the AC at my house was out -- and where I live -- even though it's September -- it's 104 degrees -- so -- unlivable at home.

I should have AC again in a few days
until then
I'm camped in the guest room - with the baby a few feet away.

not ideal.

I receive a message from someone on Fetlife
and while his message was ok

his profile was outstanding

and

I wrote him back

Nicholas seems to be all the things I could ever want

A nice man
a hard worker
a dad
focused

honestly

I thought he was too good and must be a Nigerian scam artist

except

he lives 10 miles away from me

and he has just enough flaws to be a real person

we chatted for ages
and talked and talked on the phone

he's younger than I am -- but not by too much - If our ages were reversed no one would raise an eyebrow

and

I think I'm going to see where it goes

let's see if Nicholas is all he seems to be
because if he is?

things will get interesting around here