Biting off more than I can chew

So the purging is slow going -- I've amended my goals appropriately.

I am a packrat
and I'm going to turn over a new leaf on it this year

but it's a struggle

and I can understand how hoarding happens
and

no

I'm not a hoarder -- not by any means

but there's a feeling of "oh - -I can use that" that's hard to beat
a frugality in my bones

I have a pile of Tshirts that I an turn into a rag rug which are now sitting in a pile
and mountains of craft materials

but I am slowly working through it

and fighting the urge to save things I neither need nor want

just because I might use them someday in an alternate reality

and part of my problem today is that I'm feeling a bit melancholy
I feel isolated and alone today

things haven't been the same since my best friend moved away a few years ago
you know

best friends don't come along every day

and tonight
I have no plans
not that it's a huge deal

I don't much like NYE
but the plans I did have fell through and I'm a bit sad about it

it's sapped some of my motivation

and yet

when I stop
and think about 12 months ago today
where I was

what I was doing

I was disconnecting from an unfortunate encounter with a Dom who ended up being a bit nuts
blocking him from my phone in fact

I was still waiting and beginning to lose hope that I would ever get a placement

and cried my way into the new year

not this year

I have a man I love that I am filled with hope about

I have good friends who support me
and a few who are wonderful lovers to tide me over

and I am within sight of my goals with Pixie
and on the heels of my first Christmas with a baby in my home

happiness isn't a far reaching goal
when I quiet down
and look around

it's here
all around me
right now.

As he ponders more control

When he's about to be less available he thinks more about my control

hmm

HIS control?

whatever

this time as he prepared to be out of pocket for a few days
he asked me about an app called Hemisphere

which would allow him to see where I am all the time

well

my phone
which is the same thing

which makes me squirm
in good and bad ways

all at the same time

I tell him where I am anyway
but it's an extra layer

a shorter leash

I've had a few days to think about it
and

I am still in the same place

liking it
and struggling with it

as every step deeper is for me

today is one of the harder days
because

I'm at the point of separation when I start to feel that he doesn't care if I communicate or not

the dangerous point
when I might start to get lax

I start to think I'm a bother

that he doesn't really notice or care
that I'm submitting into thin air

not the best place to be

and yet

talking about it here helps
it helps to write it
to know that he'll read it

to acknowledge the neediness

so I can put it back in its box.

Purging

Tex is away for several days
something I never much enjoy
but understand

I would normally talk to him about my plans -- but as he's not around I'll share here (he'll read it nearly right away anyway

I've been thinking about what I want for next year
and one of the things I want is to pare down all the things that I have

because my possessions are starting to own me

I have too much stuff
too much clutter

and it makes it hard to manage

I plan to move in the next year
and paring down now is a good plan

I have several days of work to get done

and only one free day to do it in

so I'll do my best
divide the house
and get brutal

By New Years Day I plan to have a significant pile of boxes marked

GoodWill
Garage Sale and
Trash

and I'll start the new year fresh

at least in my imagination

So

Do you put old sex toys in GoodWill, Recycling or Garage Sale?

and what is the going rate for used vibrators?

Company and Fish start to smell after 3 days...

I love the kiddo
I really do

but

I'm ready for her to go home

horrible, no?

she's been here since Tuesday and sometimes I forget how

OMG this is so mean

lazy and selfish she is

there

I said it

it's all part of being a 19 year old -- and you add the layer of privilege on top of it and you sometimes get

well

an irritating house guest.

She's here

and my house is a disaster
and although she continually offers to do things
when it comes down to it

she would rather sleep
or Skype

so

10 minutes into making the caramel apples that she insisted we make
she wants to go back to bed (cramps -- poor baby has periods that last 2 WHOLE DAYS)

(I had said repeatedly -- I'll coach you through it -- but I don't want to make them they're a pain in the ass)

and although she was insistent that we go see a friend of ours this afternoon

I predict that she will decide she is unwell and cancel

ok

Mommy needs a nap

B

New Years

I sort of hate New Years

there's the expectation of FUN with a capital F that irritates me

the reality is that it's never as much fun as it's supposed to be
and it's mostly filled with loud drunk people and disappointment

I tend to treat it as any other day

that being said

I do find it a bit lonely

what I want
is what I used to have with my ex husband

(WHAAAATTTT?????? -- you MISS something about him -- no fucking way!)

well

it's true

New Years we would stay up late and play backgammon and watch movies
we would have a carpet picnic and hang out and enjoy each other's company

and then sleep in the next day
and maybe go out to the movie

low expectations
that we always exceeded.

when I look towards my future
this is what I want

I want someone that I have that rich level of comfort with
that wants to spend time with me

playing a game
or making dinner
or taking care of each other

I want the deep richness of spending long nights curled up with each other on the sofa

I want the bear skin rug
and the fireplace
and long quiet talks about the future in the dark

I want the passion
and the honestly
and the intimacy

you can keep the champagne and the chocolates and roses and dancing

give me a night
with my man
in my hands.

Over Teened

Tex has his two teens and I have the kiddo - still a teen for another year

who

sigh

apparently not only is having sex with the boyfriend -- but he isn't her first

we've come a long way from never having a boyfriend -- and not having her first kiss until after high school to where we are today

It was less than a year ago that we had the awkward sex talk and she was horrified that I sent her back to school with condoms (sigh)

in the meantime - we have all of these kiddos in the house who can hear any fun webcam sex we might have

which did not stop the dirty texting all day

He was in a dark and sexy mood
and I joined right along

in fact

it's entirely possible that I started it

I miss him
and want his hands all over me

the substitutes are not really cutting it

I want HIM

in the meantime
I am channelling my sexual frustration into  yarn

and if it weren't for the fact that tattoos are applied with needles instead of being licked on by kittens

you might see me sporting this:

ARRRRRGHyle

Holidays in Blogland

All the presents are wrapped

and 

soon -- I'll go pick up the kiddo from college

um

well

from the airport

and tonight I'll bake some bread

and we'll hang out

and catch up

I'm ready for Christmas

my first baby Christmas

tonight we'll have a regular dinner

presents under the tree

and maybe open one each

and tomorrow

it's presents

and dinner

and pie

I actually hate pie

not all of it

just the filling

um

and the crust

and it will be quiet in blogland

the readers will not read

and the bloggers will have little to say

and I'll be missing him

and wishing for future Christmases that maybe will be spend together

a good fantasy

I hope all of you enjoy your traditions

and start new traditions as well

Love and Peace to you all

and more blogging when the holiday is done

B

The Punishment Decree

Tex has set the punishment

and chose one of his own
(which shouldn't be a surprise to any of us)

He wants me to find a blank wall
that I can stand against
in view of the video on my computer

and stand I will

face towards the wall
plugged

holding a quarter with my nose against the wall
and one in each palm
pressed against the wall

I am required to do 3 minutes per infraction

which was 15 before I "yeahed" and added another 3 minutes on our call

The Sisters back at school had nuthin' on Tex.


I have asked to wait to start until my tummy trouble has passed
(When will I learn that pizza is evil)

Tex allowed me to choose doing it in one 45 (now 48) minute stretch -- or 3 15 minute ones (considering that the time starts over when a quarter drops -- I chose the 3 - 15 minutes -- momma didn't raise any fools)

plus
I've done this punishment back in school with bibles on my palms-- 15 minutes is a LONG time.

do you think this will break me of the "yeahs"?

Words!

Pixie is exploding with words

we have

Yes
No
Up
Down
Car
Cat
Puppy
Dog
(woof woof, meow, moo, baa baa, roar, etc etc)
Whisker
Papa
Mama
Where's (will in the black)
Sit (told to her stuffed animals who are all named "puppy")
ear, eye, hair, hat, nose
uh oh
please, thank you
milk, water
more
cookie
eat
shoe, sock, sleeve
door

the list goes on and on

she's a joy to have around

and

(ok-- lean in - -I'm going to whisper a secret)

I'm allowing myself to imagine a future
a successful future
a happy future

this is not really my nature
I'm a realist
which is what pessimists like to call themselves
I like to prepare myself for the worst
because good outcomes don't require great deal of preparation, do they

so

visualizing positive outcomes is a bit strange for me
I visualize them for Pixie and I
and I visualize them for Tex and I

even though both are unsure
with a great many factors that could go in my favor
or not

so
as I take this journey into unnatural positivity
I may need some help
you know

so I don't sprain something as I use new muscles

Asleep on the sofa

I'm here fresh from falling asleep while watching a movie with a friend
a big bear of a man who like me

is a sub in a long distance relationship

who needs someone to lean on here and there

I dozed off
as I always do

he usually wakes me the first time
and then lets me sleep

good man

we watched something very strange called The World's End

I love that Rosamond Pike is in it - -who has now gone from playing Jane Bennett in pride and prejudice to (spoiler alert) - smashing blue blooded aliens in pubs.

Don't ask me anything else -- I caught some much needed sleep at the end.

So

just so you know

this is the dark and perverted life I lead

this is what the religious right warn society about

my tempting life of sin
that would make virgins and grandmothers shudder and turn their heads away in horror

My not-so-NC-17 life.

stay tuned

tomorrow I'll write about Pixie's new PJs.

more on punishment

So I emailed my punishment suggestions to Tex
and I'm waiting to hear back

some of your suggestions were included
some I skipped because they don't appeal
or because I thought "fuck no"

in the meantime

He has his kids for the next week or so
so I imagine we'll only have snatches of time

which will be a challenging test

I'm spoiled
I'm used to having him around

good thing I have plenty to do!

Happy Almost Christmas everyone

and pray for a moderate punishment!

Bitching

I have spent a bit too much time this week bitching

I haven't talked to Tex much - and perhaps that's for the best -- I've been crabby

I had problems with some of the projects at work this week
one of which cost us over $600

Pixie's visit for Wednesday was cancelled and rescheduled for today -- unfortunately they didn't call me about it until I had already made the 30 mile trip to the town where the visits are held


Tonight was the agency Christmas party -- the Pixie got to see her old Foster Parents -- which is always horribly disruptive and upsetting for her when we leave (and the Foster Mom did get in a few mini-digs -- but much better than usual)


Some holy terror bit Pixie AGAIN at daycare

and the huge pile of presents that were donated to her (which feels very strange to me -- I don't need people to buy us gifts -- but -- whatever) -- includes a wrapped package that laughs demonically -- not quite in cute Elmo style - but a bit closer to the jack in the box sound from the movie Elf.

(shudders)


perhaps I need a drink

sadly

the only alcohol is a bottle of Pink Grapefruit Schnapps that someone gave me for Christmas this year -- which is the most vile liquid ever bottled

yes

EVER

so

bitching done -- I'm going to watch some netflix
and work on a hat
and hit the hay

Love you guys

don't be surprised if tomorrow's post is about how I had to lock that creepy Talking Tina in the garage

Sadness

I saw D the other night
he stopped me
and put his hands on both sides of my face
and asked me why I had sad eyes

I don't know that they're sad
but they certainly are stressed

I am ready for the holiday and all it's bustle to end

and for some sort of routine

I am missing Tex
and balance
and normalcy

things are quiet on his side
and I don't know why

not quiet in a worrying way

he's started a new job
and has the stresses of the holiday as well

I think I add to the stress a bit for him

another thing to do

he will not like that I've said so
but I do think it's the way things are sometimes

even those we love
who bring us joy

can stress us out

even if it's just that we don't have the time or energy to give it what we should

Next week is Christmas
my house will fill up
and so will his

we will be swarmed with teens between the two of us

leaving little time for naughty conversations and tasks
and it will pass soon enough
and

we'll regain that balance

soon enough.

Well, Dang it

I missed blogging yesterday

which is of course going to happen from time to time when you do something daily
but I hate that I missed it

particularly since I knew what I was going to write last night
but have forgotten it since

Tex and I did talk about the looming punishment last night

I've read some suggestions
and have thought of a few possibilities

but

mostly I think

"gosh -- I wouldn't want to do that"

which made him laugh
because of course that's the point

punishment is supposed to deter

apparently no one wants a hat enough

(sniff)

well loves

I am off to start my day
and shall leave you with this pathetic excuse for a blog post
promising something better tonight

B

While I'm waiting for my punishment

I had an evening with D tonight

Who mostly needed a massage but made sure that I got mine first

what a gentleman

he feeds my need for contact

I go too long without it and I start to feel shut off
alone

you may have heard about the cuddle house

which was shut down because "no man just wants to snuggle"

now

I have to disagree
I do think snuggling is a gateway drug

but

there is a strong need for that human contact
and I wonder if we didn't stay so shut off
if we wouldn't be happier
more well adjusted
and

well

at the very least warm

so

I'm snuggled up
to hold me over
and
use it for Tex fantasy fodder.

remote control

You may have noticed that the Yeah & Uh-huh log is getting up there

if we were together I could work those numbers down

the formula for together punishment is 2 swats per occurrence -- for the first -- and adding two for each one

so at 15 we're looking at

2+ 4+6+8+10+12+14+16+18+20+22+24+26+28

or 210 swats

and now "oh daddy do it again" swats
but

"oh fuck" swats

tonight I pointed out that we need to do something about them
that they're getting out of control

you want to pay for them early
so the count doesn't get so high

and Tex got an evil gleam in his eye

and requested that I come up with 3 possible punishments by Friday to present for his approval
and he will come up with one of his own as well
and he will choose

then he warned me about going to easy

I laughed and said, "oh - you mean no cuddle punishments?"
he pointed out that he could alter that sort and have me cuddle a tree naked if I wanted to try that sort of thing

so

here I am
drawing a blank

and with Tex's permission - -throw it out to the peanut gallery

any thoughts on remote punishment?
throw in your two cents

if your punishment gets picked I'll make you a hat

8 minutes left

8 minutes left in the day to meet my posting requirement

the blank screen is going to have to get filled somehow

frankly

the day was dull

I got up early
and went to a special sale

my windshield wipers -- well one of them -- stopped working half way there and I had to get it repaired today

I came home to make chili
and some italian meatballs

but screwed up and added ground sage instead of italian seasoning

(fuckity fuck fuck fuck)

so I've altered it -- adding rosemary and thyme
and will serve it in a gravy perhaps

or in a  soup

a delicious mistake

and

the rest of the day -- that I planned for baking
was spent
baby wrangling instead

I end the day (after babysitting for the neighbors) feeling like nothing has been done

but

ultimately
I'm the one who put too much on the list
and
I just need to be more realistic

life will continue
even if I don't make brownies until tomorrow

goodnight

(3 minutes to spare)

B

More

It's nice to get more when you ask for it
but

when you get more when you don't ask for it
just when you need it?

Yes please

true confessions time

I've been lax
struggling with following direction
and
well

lazy?

maybe a bit lazy
certainly a bit over busy
and over stressed

I went to run some errands during lunch and sent Tex a message
he replied

Call me

I am bad about not calling him
about waiting for him to call me
and being told to call was good for me

we're working on this
I called

and we visited
he's seeing his FWB this weekend
it's their time

so I'm on email instead of texting protocol -- so he can focus on his time with her

and he called me out on my failure to report all of my spending

it was on the tip of my tongue to say that most of my spending is under $50
loophole spending
but

the fact is that I'm just bad at this

so I've vowed to do better and plan to work on a system to help me to improve

moving to a budgeting app for one

and motivated by his warning that continued failure will bring on the requirement that I report all spending of any amount

He also added a rule that I must send a daily photo of what I am wearing before I leave the house
and an additional one if I change during the day to go out (I am assuming that he doesn't want a photo of my jammies at night)

this thrills me
but also will require that I plan my time carefully -- too often is a baby up before I am dressed making selfless challenging
shoot
making being presentable before I walk out the door challenging.

these rules will challenge me
even though they are small
they are continual
they're there to remind me
and to prepare me for a time when we might the together

he doesn't want me to forget that it is our goal

and I am happy to have them

and him

there was a bunch of mush that was exchanged as well as I stood in line to buy 2 replacement J hooks

but I'll leave that to your imagination

goodnight

B

Playing favorites

We all do have our favorites - -don't we?

for me

there's only one

I have others -- for

well

to hold me over

to work with in a pinch

but they don't feel right

they don't work the same

they feel

unnatural to me

foreign

I wish this weren't the case

because

I don't have the one I want right now
and it's hard to do without

even when we have to

which is why  I can't believe that I have misplaced YET ANOTHER size J crochet hook.

so instead of making a lovely soft red hat for one of my secret santa giftees

instead

I spent the night cleaning out my yarn bag
and rolling new yarn into balls

yawn

Seriously - I'm supposed to use the G or the H

after you go J - there's no other way.

Dirty talk

On Wednesdays
I wait

I sit in a Pizza Hut parking lot
in my car

listening to NPR
or this week
Christmas music

and I crochet
because

Hello my name is Beatrice and I have a problem....

and today
Tex called

he had a busy day
but
he wanted to catch up
and talk about what I wrote yesterday

and fill my ears with dirty talk
it seems he wants to mark me as his
as much
as I want to mark him as mine after we've been with our friends

and the Jack in the Box across the lane
and the traffic
all fade away
and

we're together for a few minutes

my crochet discarded
as I just sit and talk
next to him

my man

MINE

just as I am his

A little sex

Benny just left
and

it was nice
just plain sex
well

with some spice

and we both have our batteries recharged.

why is it that having sex with someone else wants me to get all over Tex
cover him with me

wrap him in me

He's with his FWB tonight as well
and

that adds to the hunger as well

I don't think I'm jealous

greedy perhaps?

well

that'll do

right now I want to curl up with him
and in him
and fall into sleep

total block

this is the 4th entry I've tried to write today

sometimes you get block because you have too many thoughts in your head

but tonight

it's more that I don't have any fully developed ones

although I like blogging every day
there are days when it becomes a burden



so I typed the word burden and it made me pause

burden is a harsh word isn't it?
there's no upside to the word "burden"

but really it's just a weight isn't it?
a responsibility?
something to carry?

at any rate

sometimes
writing every day is challenging

it helps to focus on why I need to do it
that doing it is what he has asked of me

required of me

a daily reminder
of his control

yes

that helps

that daily reminder
that connection

every day

and just like that

by focusing on what I need to focus on
the deed is done
and

the weight is lifted

Cabin Fever

Pixie and I spend another day indoors

it's starting to melt here
but it's still pretty miserable out

we staying in jammies today
and put up the tree

I think the Pixie has something called fifth disease
a harmless cousin to Scarlet Fever that pretty much everyone gets and no one even knows they had it.
it's also known as "slapped face disease"

which is just red cheeks and a red bottom
nothing you would normally worry about but will require a trip to the doctor tomorrow
(ugh)

and I spent some time with my man
we don't play online much
but it's nice when we do

connecting

perhaps because it's rare
and
a but humbling as he gets an up close view of the business end of this sub

but
it was just what I needed
as I step into the new week

stay warm dear readers

the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Tex called tonight

he's been MIA for a bit
I thought he was busy with the kiddos
but no

it's his winter blues

while I'm frozen in down south
miserable for a few days
I'll be back in warm days in a week or so

no so much for our misplaced Texan

apparently
the distance has made me lax in my rules
because I yeahed my ass off tonight

he rounded it down to 4

worse yet

he didn't even call me on them until I caught one and pointed out that it was perhaps my 5th

not my first

silly that I can't seem to exorcize this one word from my vocabulary
I think of mouse changing all of her language
and making it sound so natural

sigh

Sorry Daddy
I am a work in progress

very


very





very slow
progress

Cycles

We are experiencing a chill at the moment -- my world has frozen over

spoiling a bit of the pre-holiday schedule

A date with Bennie postponed (and likely to be postponed again)

it's been a few years since the weather here has done that

and
it's made me think about how there's a natural cycle for that.

A super cold year
followed by a mellow year or two

Tex and I have a cycle too

a lot of it has to do with the schedule with his kids
but some of it is me

that the less time he has
the more I feel that he is too busy for me
so the less I contact him

and
when I contact him less
it creates more distance
until we are drawn back together

an elliptical rotation
where we slingshot around
and when we are the most part - the gravity pulls us back in with greater speed

(ok physics freaks -- don't pick at my metaphor -- take a deep breath and let the urge pass -- and give me a little leeway here)

I wonder if this is just an aspect of long distance
or
just part of our busy lives
and our natural flow

time will tell
and

sometimes you just have to let the cycle run its course
and not analyze it too much.

Chocolate Almond Bars

Chocolate Almond Bars

10 oz (2 cups) blanched skinned almonds (toasted for 10 - 12 min)

8 oz (2 sticks) unsalted butter

1 tsp vanilla

1/4 tsp salt

1/2 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 egg yolk

1 3/4 cups flour

6 oz (1 cup) chocolate chips

Preheat to 350 degrees

Line a 9 x 13 pan with alum. foil -- butter with melted butter and coat with unflavored bread crumbs - -put the pan in the freezer

chop the nuts in a food processor - pulsing 7 to 8 times. set them aside.

In an electric mixer beat the butter until soft. Add the vanilla and both sugars and beat until well mixed. Beat in the egg yolk and then the flour. Finally beat in 1 cup of the nuts.

Place the dough by rounded spoonfuls over the bottom of the pan and dip your fingers into flour pressing dough all over to make an even layer.

Bake for 33 minutes -- rotating the pan once part way through. When done the layer should be a rick golden color and will just start to come away from the sides of the pan.

remove from the oven and immediate sprinkle with chocolate chips -- return the pan to the oven for 2 minutes to melt chocolate -- spread with the back of a spoon.

sprinkle the reserved nuts all over the chocolate and place a piece of saran wrap over the nuts -- gently press the nuts into the chocolate.

Cool completely -- even allowing to freeze a bit if you like.

Turn out -- cut into small squares --

Bedtime blown

So I've blown bedtime today
completely

I'm wrapped up in making hats and forgot about it
and now I'm online catching up because everyone I know decided to check in on us today

and I realized

I haven't blogged

so

you break a rule (which I'm not sure if it's still a rule -- we put it in place for a week - but never officially took it out of play) -- and at some point you have to say -- "I can go to bed immediately to make the breaking of rule 1 less severe -- or I can blog and keep there from being two."

Obviously you know which one I chose.

It's time for me to call it a night

and tomorrow is cookie blog day -- so I'll leave that up as long as I can
but I want to talk about budgets
and my goals for budgeting (self enforced at this point)

and challenges therein.

hugs to the blogverse

night all

B

Anti-Santa

I am most definitely against Santa

I would love to talk about sex adventures -- but I haven't heard back from Tex about having some personal play time -- so instead I'll talk about why I am not crazy for Santa

and

that's not really true

I'm ok with "Santa is the spirit of Christmas"

but not with

"going to see Santa"

First off Pixie doesn't really like men
and teaching her that it's ok to sit on a strange man's lap and share secrets with him
seems like the exact opposite of what we teach our daughters

don't even get me started on the creepiness of "he sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake" and the implied threat of "be good for goodness sakes!"

Santa can bring presents
but

when we see a santa in the mall I plan to say, "oh look - there's a man dressed like Santa"

and call it a day

today

I like having to blog every day
but sometimes it's tough too

it's tough to talk about how I feel
when I'm not sure myself

today

today was a good day at work
it started off frenzied but ended with some good news
some good news that was a long time in coming

today was a day when the to do list overwhelmed me a bit
and made me want to crawl into a hole and close it up after me

today was a great day with Pixie
who can now pick me out of a photo and exclaim
"mama mama!"
because "mama" has been a confusing term for her  -- so many women claim that name

today I want him
I want him so badly I'm jittery from it
and he's so far from me

there's no date on the calendar
and today I want a countdown
clicking away
no matter how big the number starts out

today I want to sit at his feet
and lean my head on his knee

or take him into my mouth
and slowly make his eyes roll up into his head
and say, "good girl"

I want to wash him in the shower
and I want to rub him down and ease away his day

today I want it all

and

instead
I will roll yarn into balls
and finish this blog
and crawl into bed
until tomorrow
becomes today

In just under the wire

I nearly forgot to blog

I had to add to the Yeah/uh-huh tally and realized that I failed to blog

I was talking to Tex tonight and he asked me if I have anything to blog about

I told him that I didn't know

because the truth is -- that I never know what I'm going to blog about until I start to type and the words come out of my fingers

I'm sure that's exactly how The Great Gatsby was written.

today I asked for some greater restrictions

he didn't ask my why I wanted them
he just granted them

I really just needed them
I needed to get the buzzing in my head to stop

all the jangled nerves
the frustration of family

the fact that I hadn't had a moment to myself in days

so after dropping the kiddo at the airport
I was ordered home
and to strip down to tshirt
no bra
no pants

and to complete my day that way

the laundry
the kitchen
tidying up the house

I reported in on my progress
and asked for permission to leave the house

and felt myself settle down

Good man, my Tex
I think I'll keep him around.