Marked for Life

I've never been one for tattoos

I don't mind if you have one
but
I'm not going to encourage it

too

permanent

I've been on Pinterest

still too sick for much else

and came across a way to get your Sharpie Tattoo to last a month

(draw with sharpie (btw-- moisturize before drawing and you'll get less bleeding) -- cover with baby powder -- and then blow away the powder after a minute or so and spray with hairspray (about 1 foot away)

I'll let you know if it lasts

so

it's still March -- Question Month

my question for you is:

What tattoo would you get (or would you get next) and why)

Feeling sorry

I have been feeling sorry for myself today

because I feel really rotten

allergies are still beating me to death

and I'm on the 5th round of antibiotics this year

until

I went to the old blog

and read what I wrote a year ago today

********

A year ago today

I had 2 preteens in my house who were torturing me

I had bought a bunch of glow in the dark easter eggs which we hid around the yard for the girls to find
they came pre-filled

and the little one was so crushed by my pathetic attempt at Easter hoopla

that she had a complete meltdown
that included crawling to the car while howling

yes

1 year ago

life

is

so much better now

I am on my path
and new things are on the horizon

life

is

good

and

a racking cough
and raspy voice

is nothing

to cry about


so

no sympathy required

just some codeine cough syrup
and a good night's sleep

Friday

I skipped yesterday -- frankly -- I fell asleep while I was staring at the screen

in fact

 I actually fell asleep on a conference call yesterday

which would have been fine except someone else was in the room with me

(facepalm)

lately - -I'm exhausted

a bit of stress

and the cough is back

but rather than worry about it -- I'm just going to sleep a bit more

clearly my body wants more rest

I have a million things to do
but the body says rest

and

who am I to argue

I love...

...to feel his arm around me and his fist lock around my wrist tightly as he drifts off to sleep
....to feel him pull me closer if I try to roll away
....to feel his hand between my legs as I wake

I love to smell him on me hours later
to remember his hand in my hair so sharply that my head yanks back in recall

to shudder at the thought of his touch as my mind drifts the next day on a conference call

I love the weight of him on me
before
during

but especially after
as we lie spent
and I feel at his mercy

his presence so large
that it blots out the rest of the world.

Asking

I hate asking
it feels

bratty and demanding

and yet

how do we expect them to know what we want?
how do we expect them to know that we want to be with them
want more time

if we do not say so

and so

I have made clear that I want a visit
soon

and

we are working on making it happen

it's been a rough year for it
so much up in the air for both of us
and everything with us so new

I think that we met too soon and neither of us wanted to wait
and so we wait with each other

and

hope it will be enough
and

most of the time it is

we drift a bit apart
and then we pull back together

I worry that I've been in this spot before
believing that things will work out
but not having them work out
because he didn't want it as much as I did

and I work to remind myself that just because it describes the past
does not mean that it is my future

and so I ask.

and

while I cringe a bit at posting this

first because I don't want him to think that I'm freaking out

and second
because I don't really relish the thought of the kibitzing that is bound to come from the readers

I am bound by my word to blog as I would normally blog
and have faith that he not only can handle it

but most likely -- already knows where my head is at

and I don't know about the other bloggers -- but blogging things out always makes me feel better

my literary enema

so
yes -- I have asked
and

we shall see.

On the street where you live

About 7 or 8 months ago -- when the Pixie was new to my house -- I drove past the Walmart parking lot and noticed some people with puppies on the corner - -little white fluffy puppies for sale

Now

Pixie is terrified of dogs
but I thought

let's go see the puppies
and see how she does

and she was a brave little girl
and reached in an pet the little balls of fur

and was delighted

she still has a hard time with dogs
and freaks out at the full sized ones

but was over the moon over the puppies

any puppy

in fact

she talks about them all the time

we'll be driving along and she'll say "puppy mama"
and I'll say, "uh huh" or "Where baby"
and she'll babble something

but lately

I've noted

that every
single
time
we drive past Walmart

she talks about puppies

and points at the exact corner

she remembers

which freaks me out a  bit because I can't tell one walmart from another
but she can

there are just some memories that are stronger than others
that
become hardwired

I have a few of those myself
those treasured memories
that I bring out again and again

I'm happy I get to share that one with her
and now I say
"yes baby -- we saw the puppies there!"
and she smiles and nods.

musical interlude

Holy Minnie Mouse

I went to a birthday party today for twin 3 year olds -

they had a Minnie Mouse theme

we were greeted by Minnie Mouse head balloons
and Minnie Mouse Cake Pops
and
a huge Minnie Mouse Piñata

they did the whole magillah

now

I'm not a huge fan of giant birthday parties for children under the age of 6
in fact

I'm not a huge fan of them then

this party was swarming with kids
but then again
they know a lot of kids

I don't

and it was enjoyable
even though Pixie was intimidated enough that she basically wanted to hollow me out inside and crawl in like a Tonton.

I wandered about and visited and it all seemed normal
until something rather unsettling happened

Minnie showed up with her giant pink shoes and wandered around the party..

to watch herself be cannibalized and her body beaten with sticks while jeering children urged each other on to "hit her in the belly" and then pounce upon her entrails when she burst open on the ground

it was a bit unsettling.

I think when the time comes I'll just get a bounce house and call it a day.

Happy Belated Nowruz

I've had Nowruz on the brain today -- I'm cleaning out a number of things around my house and I came across a box

and inside the box are 2 eggs that were blown out and (at that time) my exchange student and her Iranian/Swedish friend decorated for me

we had been on a road trip
and on the day we got back -- Miss S (our guest) started to receive many emails and calls -- family wishing her a Happy Nowruz

She had forgotten that it was Persian New Year -- it snuck up on her
and

we decided to celebrate it
as best we could

right then

We got online
and she explained how her family celebrated
and

we made our Nowruz table

with fresh fruit
and some baklava we got from a Middleeastern market we found
and a bible (she said any Holy book would do)
and a mirror
and some candles
and the decorated eggs

and we put our heads together
because she said that it was important that we jump over a fire -- at the first moment of the new year

and

I didn't know how to make that happen at 3am in my little apartment (somehow we wanted it to be at the same time her family might be doing it)

and ultimately
I found a cookie tin with a Santa on it from Christmas
and a bunch of votive candles
and went out in the night

teens in tow

to jump over the candles -- leaving last year in our wake

it was a happy day
and it made our friend so happy to make her own Nowruz
to be the teacher
to share her traditions with us
as best we all could

I have been so blessed these past years
and
I never want to forget these wonderful moments
and can't wait to see what memories I build in the new year

Happy Nowruz to you all.

Quiet

I was quiet yesterday

I didn't feel like blogging
it's hard to say something when you have nothing to say

I woke up happy
and was happy throughout the day

but for no particular reason
just happy

and

I made some big decisions
and

I just wanted some time with my own thoughts

lately

Tex is quiet as well
not his fault

but quiet

he's working late hours
and
is far away from me

as far as he's ever been

again
not his fault

he's worn out
but

sometimes I'm greedy
and want more

I'm lucky though
because he knew there would be times when I would need more
and he's allowed for that

and I'm lucky
to have D for those times

who I've spoken off too harshly in the past
thinking him selfish

lol

well

he is that

but he fills the same need for me that I do for him
so perhaps we are both selfish

but soon
I hope soon
I will find a way to have more Tex time
and be filled up at last.

Peeee-eeeew

I washed my hair with a new product last night -- and I can't stand the smell of my hair

I can't even describe it properly

a mix of baby powder and something bitter perhaps with just a whiff of rancid?
it's just fowl

I have to wash my hair again before I can go to bed

but I'm happy as I go in -- even if it's going to bed with a wet head
because I got about an hour on the phone with my man

this time just on the phone

no Skype or hangout -- which sometimes is a bit distracting

but his warm voice in my ear
a bit slurry because he's exhausted from a busy work week

I have a wedding to go to in the fall and the crazy bride (my bff) wants to order the shoes -- because - you know - -sometimes it takes 7 months to get shoes ordered and dyed.

you can't be too careful.

 -- we chatted a bit
and mused what it would be like to be together all the time
and
admitted that it might work
and might not

but also thought about how nice it would be

we're going through a tough bit of time
not a lot of time for each other
and a long time since we've been together

but right now

I'm happy
and I think this works for him as well
but
I do miss him
and will sleep on his side of the bed until he crawls in with me

What I'm not saying...

...well -- I'm being a tease -- because I'm not saying what I'm not saying.

I have some interesting things going on and it involves some big decisions

and I feel like a big grownup lately

I'm not talking about what's going on because that's sort of my way

I don't like to talk about my thought process until I have a better idea of the outcome.

which is not to say that I'm not talking about it

certainly to Tex

and a few others

my family

but

I'm not ready to say what all is going on until it's all done

and as a blogger -- it makes it tough

because it limits what I have to write about

do you all do that?

hold off on blogging until all the thinking is thunk?

Wet and Slimey

I had to go to a funeral today -- in a small town about an hour 1/2 away

I took Pixie

my Mom's got a bug

I've been a bit icky myself -- too much cheese -- too much stress -- not enough sleep
the potty and I have been like this:

ok - I'll have to admit that I was looking for an animated gif of fingers crossing and I found that instead -- and it cracked me up

I just watched The Walking Dead and I'm still a bit shook up by it (if anyone watched the episode on March 16th -- you know what I mean)

so -- I pulled myself together and made the drive to podunksville for this work-related funeral -- and sat in the back -- it was a super religious service where we were called together to praise his name etc etc -- typical of the gigantic state in which I live

and the Pixie
was

wait for it

perfect

no running through the aisles
no crying
just sitting quietly
or getting on momma's lap

playing a bit

being fed a few Lucky Charms (which seem to be sugarier now -- she was very sticky) -- and even cleaning up some milk she spilled on the floor.

towards the end she was sitting on my lap facing me
and decided she was done eating snacks and it was my turn

and was a bit hurt that I didn't want to eat the goldfish cracker that she had just pushed partway up her nose before shoving the wet and slimy thing at my mouth.

It was a good day
and the potty and I?

well -

we've decided to just be friends.

When did I become an earth mother

something about the last year and 1/2 seems to have made expectant mothers think I'm wise

shh

don't let on
that I'm just as lost as they are

I donated some infant things to a new young mom (well - about to be)
and we chatted and shared
and

I tried not to let her know that I'm a fraud
just taking it day by day

Busy busy busy

He is freakishly busy
and
I am trying to be a big girl
and not demanding

he has his kids
and is very tired
I imagine he fell asleep

but sometimes
I'm a pouty little girl
(mostly times like now -- late at night -- in the dark and silence)

and I want to stomp my foot and demand

but instead
I will sleep
and

tomorrow
the pouty girl will be gone
and I will be busy busy busy too

Loving

Sometimes I write a title and and sit there and stare at it

Do you write that way?  Start with the title and then see where the blog goes? -- or do you write and then find the title that goes with it

funny

I generally thing that movies and books that seems to start with a punny title tend to suck
but I blog that way (the move "He's just not that into you" anyone?)

At any rate

I wrote the word loving
and now

I have to figure out where I'm going with that.

I saw D last night
he came over and we had some time together

when he arrives he kisses me and usually grabs my hair and leads me to my room
little talk

the talk comes a bit later
after I'm settled into my place
usually on my knees facing him

and
he called out
that I remember all of the things that he likes
and do them
lovingly

not obediently
but
lovingly

and it made me think about the difference in that
because there have been times when I have obeyed
endured
complied
withstood

but not served lovingly

and this I think is where I have finally found the right place for me

because
although I thought I wanted D to come over and spank and have his way with me
it's not what I needed

I needed to serve lovingly
and that is what scratched my sub-itch

(OMG  -- it makes me sound like I'm bragging -- I don't mean it that way)

it is what I miss the most by being far from Tex

that I cannot show him over and over
that I cannot serve him and comfort him

I can talk to him
I can share with him
I can follow the rules and be a good girl
but
I cannot serve him lovingly in the small ways that feed me

I need it as much as I need the rest

and of course -- D is the ideal surrogate -- because he's such a Peter Pan -- he'll never want more --and never give more

I am a sweet beloved toy that he takes out of the box ever 6 weeks or so
and cherishes
and carefully replaces
until next time

and he is much the same for me.

Tex is much more the whole picture for me
but much of the time
I have just a tiny sliver of him
through all these miles

I'm grateful that he wants me to be sustained
and grateful that I have D who we can both trust to take care of me
in those little ways Tex cannot right now.

More Questions to be answered

Fiona also asked:


What is your current favorite song to listen to when you're happy/sad?

ok - so
I don't really listen to music
at least not much
I turn on the radio - mostly NPR
and if I'm bored with NPR (or bored with news from the Ukraine)
I switch over and listen to the 70's station
or
indie rock

but -- I don't have an iPod
or a record player
and haven't bought a CD in ages

Music doesn't soothe me

silence
silence soothes me

when I'm jangled - I want quiet

now
if I want to sing?
it's torch songs

but that's an answer to a question you didn't ask.



What is a trait of Tex that makes your smile biggest/that makes you cringe?

I don't know how to answer that
we haven't been together enough to know each other
a trait that makes me smile?
well

when we were together it was all firsts
and learning how things would be

he worked hard to make it feel normal and everyday
but
it was still new

but that look he gave me when I started to walk on the wrong side of him
that made me stop in my tracks
it made me smile and cringe
all at once



What is your favorite way to masturbate for Tex when he isn't right next to you? What do you fantasize about?

This is the question that I didn't want to answer -- because

I don't really fantasize that much
I don't have a porn movie running in my head
while I enjoy stories
I don't break them out much

if I need a push over the top
I imagine his voice in my ear
which is warm
and stern
and familiar after so many hours with him on the phone

and as for HOW - well - he's the boss -- I don't get to choose -- so my favorite is immaterial.

here endeth the answering.

Questions and Answers

Fiona asked me a few questions
I'll answer them one by one (well - maybe all of them)

She asked:  What is your favorite artwork in your home?

So -- is it strange that almost all of my artwork in my home is my own?

I have a few paintings of my mom's -- her style is very different from mine -- still life -- very realistic
to balance my abstract.

they remind me of coming home after school - my mom would be sitting in the spare room at her desk -- it was an old time teacher's desk  -- I searched google to find one like it -- I guess it's more unique than I thought -- she still has it -- it's lovely

she would be sitting there -- smoking -- and painting -- tiny detail work  -- my home smelling like turpentine

so some of my favorite paintings are hers

I have 2 paintings that are tiny -- done by my grandfather -- they're the same scene -- winter and summer.  Not stylish -- but his -- and I love them

I have modern paintings that I have done
and portraits

I did a portrait of Amelia Earhart that I'm very proud of -- I love it -- it was a mighty accomplishment  for me -- painted with only 3 colors of paint - and one of the best I've done.  although it's not hung -- it doesn't go with the rest of house -- it is my favorite portrait


but my favorite favorite is a painting that I started years and years ago-- I was learning how to use texture
and

I painted this awful bit of crap
and

I sent it to the garage for several years

about 5

and

then

I came back to it
and it feels celestial to me

Each are my favorites

but this one sings to me.

jinxes

I don't believe in psychic powers
or ghosts

and I certainly don't believe in fate

but

I must admit

I do believe in jinxes

so

while I'm working on some things
I don't want to write about them

conversely

if I am worried something bad will happen to someone I love I believe that it will protect them somehow

because awful things are always unexpected

so

a double jinx?

in the meantime

I'll start to work on the answers to some of the questions

and you'll hear more from me tomorrow

Big plans

I have a number of big plans in the works

and they are under review by Tex

and

while this should make a rational person feel freaked out
because

at least one of these things is HUGE
and

um

not really the sort of thing someone else can decide for me

I know
that he will not say no unless it's a bad idea
AND
that he will lead me to see why it's unwise

he's a good partner
a senior partner
but a partner nonetheless

more on the big plans soon

it's an early day tomorrow

B

My Pixie

So after last week when Pixie was with Nana and Poppa

she was a bit needy today

and we just rolled with it

I made sure we went to see them -- but that she didn't get left there
so she doesn't associate the grandparents with momma leaving

she had a great time

and when she was ready to go

she got her coat and mine

so subtle that child of mine is

and we went to run a few errands.

and we went out to eat and I tried to keep her hunger pangs at bay with bits of bread
and
so delighted at having it dipped into a bit of olive oil

and playing games with momma

current favorite

she puts her hand on the table
and I put mine over it
and she moves hers
farther

and farther

and farther away

tonight she had a thought

and put her hand on the bottom of the table

(HA! Momma -- you can't find it now)

and giggled with delight when I put my hand over hers

fuck toys

who needs them.

Beatrice the Counselor

I will get to the questions later on

well

maybe

I'm sure Tex will want me to answer at least some of them

I had dinner tonight with my BFF -- who is getting married in the Fall - we had a dress fitting and a dinner out

and

well

I think I staged an intervention of a type

I told her that I was concerned that they don't seem to be resolving important issues such as control of money, who does what around the house, sex and personal boundaries

and that after listening to her talk for several months -- it's clear to me that they are really just having one fight

She is saying "you don't listen to me"
and
He is saying "you don't appreciate me"

and

they're both right

but they're not fighting the same fight.

I challenged her to get with her premarital counselor and ask her to help them to learn to fight effectively

and

I also challenged her this Lent -- to tell him something she loved or appreciated about him -- every single day (and ideally not to let him know that she was doing this)

I don't know if she'll do it

but I hope she will

It was liberating to be able to say to her:  I think that you are on the path to having a great ex-husband who'll be terrific with the kids.

of course

it's always easier to give advice than to take it
it was a good dinner
a hard dinner for her a bit
but good for her too
she kept saying, "you're the only one I can talk to like this"

apparently her family just tells her that he's a great guy and not to drive him away (blah blah blah)

so now

it's time for me to butt out
and see what happens

and hope that she can take a few things from my advice and make them work for her.

night all

B

(miss you Tex!)

Question month

As many of you know...March is Question month

which I fucking hate

you may ask questions
I may or may not answer them

most likely I will not

because I'm ornery

well

actually a bitch

I have something on my mind but need to talk to Tex about it first -- so I'll put that on hold until we have time to talk - he seems to have the cone of silence on

which likely means that he's on the phone with family tonight
or had a rotten day

lol

or both

I will talk about 2 things I'm doing at work

the first is about Branding

no

not with a hot iron

Branding yourself as a leader

deciding who you are going to be
and then making sure that you protect that brand by representing that image every day

so if want to be perceived as a problem solver
then

you have to work at it
BE a problem solver
and moreover
ALWAY be that -- and don't do things to erode your image

of course

if you're not really a problem solver but actually a whiny complainer -- perhaps you should choose a different brand

I'm really proud of this training

it's all about becoming who you decide to be -- not just allowing the world to randomly blow you from place to place

and knowing who you are to begin with
so you choose to be something that is true to the core of who you are

so

while I am a submissive
I will never be a pain slut
no matter how much I might aspire to please a Dom by trying to be that

and no

I don't have a tidy package to wrap this up in
no clarity of mission

no declaration of my brand as a sub

but rather
sharing my thoughts
as I grow and evolve into who I am meant to be
and consider

how I exhibit (or fail to exhibit) what I aspire to be
in every action.

blogless

So - -obviously I didn't blog yesterday

for a variety of reasons
and for no reason as well

I delayed and delayed because there was nothing to write about

on days when we don't really interact - there's no sex for my sex blog
and
on many of these days -- there's not a lot going on other than work

which I can't really write about here

contrary to what people thing about submissives or sex bloggers

we are not living a wanton life day in and day out

so

I came home
and made some sausage and rice -- which I liked and the baby didn't

I watched some TV
and did a bit of housework
I gave the baby a bath
and

I fell asleep

and that was that.

today

will be much the same

I will do what I need to do
and will come here and stare at my blog

and yes -- I will blog
because I must
but
sometimes it's not the easiest rule to follow.

Specialist

So

I went to the specialist who to me

good news

no growth

and

bad news

no information on how to manage the continual laryngitis.

He does want to see me next time it gets bad -- instead of seeing my regular doctor for a remedy -- to have someone call for me and get me in so he can run a tube down my nose and look at it when its at the worst

color me relieved

because what I was most concerned about was having a lot of damage
or a tumor

but

the cough is back
which means that "thenexttimeitgetsbad" is likely to be Friday.

so

quiet and relieved hugs all around!

B

Talsiman

It's been a few days since I opened my package
to find a delicate necklace
of two interlocked circles

It was hard to give up my crosses

I've worn them for years

decades really

but unless I get a longer chain for them they will tangle with his gift

I find myself thinking of him
and reaching up and touching them

He told me
the darker circle is Tex
and the lighter is me

they make a little singing sound when I touch them
and it makes me feel closer to him

there are times
when I wonder what I mean to him
and
silly as this symbol is
it tells me that he did think carefully
does think carefully when it comes to me

I joked with him the other day
as I struggled with those damned quarters
and he mused about more dastardly punishments
that maybe we should break up

and he laughed at me
"you're mine as long as you wear that necklace", he said

and I touched it
and smiled
and teased back -- "the chain is very fine -- I'm not sure it will hold up" (thinking of toddler hands who grab at it every day when I put her in her carseat)

"you better find a way to fix it quickly if it does" he warned back

making me feel all warm inside

yes

symbols are important

With friends like these...

...so to all of you who comment with ideas for my Dom to "improve" my punishments can kiss my butt.

:)

But I have finished the very difficult punishment -- during which time I blew a fuse at my house and my heater quit -- leaving me not as comfortable as one would hope while naked up against the wall.

and now I have a counter -- that I hope will be there for quite some time

counting off the time -- since my last slip up

sigh

long may it last!

********

It's turned cold here -- likely out last cold snap of the year -- but after days of 70 and 80 degrees -- 18 feels bitterly cold

My space heater is running full force
and I have piles of blankets

and the PJs

Tex will be shaking his head at me and my PJs -- he doesn't approve

But they are required

they've already closed the schools here tomorrow

I'll wait for you to roll your eyes

I certainly did

the dusting of ice pellets hardly warrants a day off

but this is the south -- so allowances must be made.

stay warm

Quarter Finals

I am down to the last 6 debits - and Tex was willing to let me work them all off at once -- 15 minutes -- on the wall with the quarters

not one for each hand and one for my nose

but 10

one for each finger.

so -- for those of you who are playing along at home -- stop now and go get 10 quarters -- and move your computer over by the wall.

back?

ok --

let's give it a try -- find a way to get one quarter under each finger tip -- pressed against the wall.

I had a hell of a time with this

there was much cursing

and eventually

I told Tex -- I didn't know how it could be done

now

in my defense -- I had a very busy day -- and am exhausted

I should have told him that I was too tired
but I left it up to him instead

he recommended that I prop the coins up on the floor board and then try the exercise

it took several tries

you definitely have to load up your non-dominant hand first

and after a few false starts
and sliding my way up the wall (damned weak left pinky letting me down twice sending me all the way down to start again)

I was up

and the timer was going

"Do you have your plug in?"

fuck

of course not

back down

and

off to get the plug

(which I am still wearing as I type this -- as a bit of a reminder)

and try try again

I made it up

again

and stood there as the minutes creeped by

my arms already aching at 3 minutes

when my right index finger failed me

(fuck)

Tex took mercy on me

and had me crawl back to the bed
knowing I was too tired
and we could be at this all night

"You're too tired'

"yeah", I responded followed by "fuck!"

because now I have 7 to work off

and I've been told that tomorrow I will hold the 10 coins for 20 minutes instead.

 -- so -- head to your wall
give it a shot

and if you can make it 15 minutes -- I'll crown you the queen of sub-internet

just

don't forget your plug.