panties

there's a man who just wants to buy things that I've worn

tempted to ship him some things from goodwill

No complaints from me!

So - I'm starting a 24 hour no complaints challenge - in fact - I started it 27 minutes ago.

No criticism (other than the constructive sort that is part of my job) and no complaints.

and

normally - I would say that it's not a huge deal to go a day
as I'm not a huge complainer

but tomorrow is Wednesday

and

there are some bumps ahead for me at work tomorrow.

and

I'm going to meet all of my challenges with my head held high
and

um

my yap shut.

Stockpiling and Stromboli

I've been talking to too many people
and narrowing it down

there are one or two left

and I wanted to meet this one guy
who seemed really nice

and we finally made it happen

and I got to hear about

how he buys paper towels
and diet Dr Pepper in bulk

so when he's unemployed (like now) he doesn't have to worry about it

and how he helped his ex wife move
and how many truck loads it took
and how long it took the cable guy to come

and how he put in four outlets every other stud in his workshop
because you never have enough outlets
but that he had to change them all to grounded plugs
when the inspector came
because of the pool
but when the inspector came out they didn't even test it

and

well

I was able to focus on my stromboli
and make a plan for how to dig my way out of the inside seat of the booth
with a butter knife.

and dream about naming our future children.

Foot Worship

Interestingly - -I've talked a lot about foot worship these days

which is amusing because I've also injured one of my feet rather badly in the past week

I stepped on a broken piece of PVC pipe -- which left a rather nasty cut on the arch of my foot that reopened a bit with every step

there has been a lot of bandaging  -- and the bruise is deep

It's been a week and I can now walk on it (most of the time) without pain and it only hurts when I poke at it.

In the past week I've been offered foot worship
and been asked to perform foot worship

both sides of the coin

and I find feet about as sexual as chicken salad - which is to say - -not at all -- in fact

I like chicken salad quite a bit
so maybe LESS than chicken salad.

Feet are sex neutral to me

back of the knees - sex positive
neck - sex positive
butterfly kisses  - sex negative

feet?

neutral

but D has always required that I take off his shoes and lay on my belly to kiss his feet
a ritual
although

apparently I missed the "kiss his feet" part of the lesson

and we talked about it
and he asked how I felt about it

and I thought about a conversation we had 2 years ago

I was being judgmental about someone else and said, "why would anyone want to be furniture - -that's just silly"

and he got that intense look in his eyes -- and that deep velvety voice and asked me, "If I asked you to sit at my feet - and give me comfort by having me rest my feet on you -- would you not want to give that to me?"

and I realized that - 'yeah - I would'

so when he asked if I wanted to experience it - I said, "yes -- I would"

and he instructed
and I performed

and while it was not in the least bit sexual for me -- to wash his feet
and then kiss -- and suck -- and lick his feet --

it was a highly submissive and very satisfying thing to do.

and he reached down as I did
and petted my head
and told me I was a good girl

and who wouldn't want that?

Will I let this other person worship my feet?
well - tune in boys and girls -- I may just -- if for no other reason than to understand how it feels and see  if I can get some pointers.

remembered

I was on Fetlife and I noticed that the Captain updated his profile

and

sweetly

it referenced me twice

once - in that he's sacrificed relationships for his career
and again

with the story of fondling me in the Starbucks

it was sweet to be remembered
to be thought of

it's sweet to be regretted

even if
the reality is

that if I was more of what he wanted
that
I would not have been sacrificed so easily

but who cares about reality

fantasy is fun

and in the fantasy
I'm the one who got away
(sigh)

sort of nice for us both.

Like no time had passed...

Dinner was at 730 but was pushed back by half an hour

 

I doubt that he remembered that this was the restaurant we came to for our first meeting 2 1/2 years ago

 

I remember everything about him

perhaps because there was so little to know

and

 

because I was so new

new to everything

and trying to find my way

 

2 years ago I agreed to meet him as a friend

and by the end of the lunch

he kissed me

and made my toes curl up

and I was done for

 

completely and utterly

 

I know that today won't be too different.

 

I arrive just before 8

and walk to the front door

and as my hand touches the door -- I see him coming

so I wait for him

and he walks up

and kisses me tenderly

 

as he opens the door -- I remember this same door

and having my hand slapped for touching it to leave

 

I do not touch doors

and I do not touch these doors

 

and we pass through

and enjoy our dinner

 

and he shares

he shares his day

and the changes in his life

and I listen

drinking it up

because he has never talked about himself

 

nothing tangible.

 

and at the dinner he said

 

"I thought we would go over to your place for awhile after dinner (we were in my area)"

and I said, "I thought so too"

 

and we just drove home

 

I know why I broke things off with him before

and none of those things will have changed

he's still secretive

and reserved

he contacts me on his terms

and

wants what he wants

 

but I know all of this now

and

settled in to enjoy him

and let him enjoy me

 

D has the most amazing ability to mix tenderness with ferocity

as he pulls orgasm after orgasm out of me

and comforting me as he pushes my limits

insisting

 

that he is not the one who pushes them

that I am

and he's just there to faciitate

and

as he asks me

constantly

what are you feeling

what are you thinking

 

and when I cannot answer

forgives it

because he knows he has befuddled me

 

and he allowed me to touch

and massage

and run my nails over every inch of him

and remember

how much I enjoy

being this person

 

who gives as much as she receives

or tries to anyway

 

it was a lush and luxurious night

and  hope we get to do it again

OMG

Someone needs to remind me why I stopped fucking that man

Good Lord he's delicious

I am sated
and soaked
and

the hamster
you know
the one on the wheel that never stops running in my brain

yeah

he's on a coffee break

I am fucked into submission

lovely

Another visitor from D past

So I have a dinner date tonight with an old friend
an old Dom friend

I dated him after Mr. C

before the Captain
before SD
before M

He was sort of my reboundDom

and I learned a lot from him
he's dark
and fun
and - a bit dangerous

I wrote about him way back when
and have since deleted those entries from the blog I had then

I may repost a few things if things continue

but D and I are talking
about revisiting things a bit

in a more casual way than before I think
but then again
I don't know what he's thinking until we talk

What I can tell you is that we had a very intense time
and

our problems had more to do with what I wanted and my expectations than with him misrepresenting

and

I'm starting to think that it's too soon to find something long term

I'm mourning the Man

pretty deeply

He's here
in my city this week
and I don't get to see him

because it's too soon

we're pretending he's not here
but he is
just 1 hour from me right now

and - there have been a lot of tears over the weekend
and it really sent home to me

that it's too soon

so

the Doms I'm talking to
I'm going to talk to them

but no more players are aloud on the ice.

So it's 515 -- I'm about to go get the Pixie

and at 730

I'll see D again
and he might be a good remedy for my heartbreak
he certainly is an amazing distraction

wish me luck

O Captain my Captain

The Captain and I flirt a lot in YIM

and I know it will never go anywhere
I know the captain would never love me
would never be my man
I'm not his kind of sub
and he's not my kind of Dom

(in short -- he's the Dom who wanted me to ask permission to use hot water -- and who - because I failed to ask for an O -- back when I was shy about such things - added O's on top of that O and required that I do 16 in a row -- yeah -- more Dom than I want/need/have time for)

and yet

there's this connection

I think because he's always been so kind to me
and

because we've always had this calm appreciation of each other

He offered to come over this morning and fuck me

now

I get offers like that all the time
but not ones that I would consider

if I were available?

I would be fucked right now
he would come over
and we would do that thing we do

and he would leave

and we would both be happy

funny right?
I wouldn't have remorse
I would be pleased
and so would he

sounds like a good deal

I joked with him that I was his groupie

and he said back

"you are always going to be my girl as I am in your heart"

yeah -that's true a bit
I responded

Yes, a bit of me will be

a lot of it will be

you got under my skin - that's for sure

and into every fiber of your body

and then he demanded another photo
which I took and sent
because

because I must

and he rewarded me with two O's and sent me to bed

What does this mean?
not a damned thing

just that

He's got me around his finger
and we both like it

and every once in awhile

we want to reach out and recharge with each other.

J bows out

So - J removed himself from consideration

which didn't surprise me

He bowed out gracefully with a kind excuse

but the truth is- there wasn't enough there to hold us together and interest each other long term
and we both felt it

and I wish more people would make that choice
instead of plowing ahead.
or hedging their bets while they look for something that's a better fit.

and I still got that awesome first kiss out of it - which was fun.

so

back into the fray

He's out there
I know it

The second date

J says he wants to go slow
and

it's sort of hard to tell if this is the go-slow plan
or the

I'm not all that interested plan

so I'm just going to see if he asks me out again
and see how I feel about it at the time

I would have preferred to have a little more action on my date
but we watched a movie
and snuggled
and I got tickled a bit
and a smack on the bottom for being a smart ass

and that was about it

It is a funny dance isn't it?

tomorrow is Thursday and I plan to meet a Dom that I've spoken to in the past --
and am not all that sure about now

he's very charismatic
but there are things to consider

and I'm also talking to a very nice man who's

ok

don't freak out

vanilla

or at least I assume so - he could certainly be just as kinky as anyone else
but

so far I like him
what I know of him
and I'm not afraid to walk on the notsowild side a bit too

as for the Man and I
we have officially decided to cool things off to friends only

with more than a bit of remorse on both sides

sometimes love just sucks ya'll

He's in town next week
and we will not be seeing each other
he has wisely declared it too soon

fucking wise man

I have to remind myself that I was the one being all mature about this

more adventures to come
B

J

So

I met someone

I've been chatting with him for a bit
getting to know each other

and

we have a strong connection
not

not that weak knee connection that you get with a powerfully dominant man
but that connection with someone who you can really talk to

who's smart
and funny

and can give you shit
and take it too

and somewhere along the way
in all the talking
he decided I was a real possibility
and

I decided he was too

Of the 3 I am talking to -- he is the least Dom
and that's part of what I've been trying to decide
how Dom do I want my Dom to be

how sub am I really?

the truth is I don't know
but I do know that I want something more layered

something like the Man

So I met J
in a food court
it was a date of walking around the mall

not my favorite place
but a safe one

J wanted it to be completely safe for me

and I wondered a bit
as I looked up at this tall -- perfectly tall
broad shouldered man

if he felt the same chemistry
and he pulled me into a shoe store
my weakness
to try on some impossibly high heels
and teeter about in them for him

I walked away in sparkly red shoes
and then walked back towards him into his arms and a first kiss

that was strong
and passionate
and
that I don't know if I started or he did

but it was lovely
as he pulled me a bit off balance in the 6" heels (ok - with platforms
and my head spun a bit

I thought

yeah

this

this for sure
maybe this Dom
maybe not this Dom

but this for sure

later on
we found this spot
downstairs
under a stairwell
by a closed shop

and I'm sure gave whoever watches the cameras a bit of a show

I like him
there's potential for more

and we have a movie date at my place
on Tuesday
to see what happens next

The ultimate test of submission

sometimes as I go on my journey

I am overwhelmed by my lack of control

that I receive information
only if someone decides to give me some

that I keep my child
only if everyone decides I can

that I have less control
than the workers
the therapists
the doctors
the lawyers

ever less control than the birth parents

because they can choose to work hard or not work hard
to mediate or not mediate

and my choices are much more binary

to foster
or to quit

I have allowed this
to affect me more than it should

when really

it's just an exercise in submission

I am here to serve my role
to focus
to parent
to provide feedback
to facilitate

to serve

and when I allow myself to focus on what I do not have
I am not serving

So going forward
I am going to strive to be more of the person that people think I am

more service focused
and less bitter
about what others have

only gracious about my blessings

which are enormous

to
submit
and live in my role

and I will come back and remind myself
right her on this page
as much as needed