Not a bit submissive

I feel a bit like I've lost that feeling

I don't feel submissive
I feel

disconnected
and unfocused
and tossed and turned

I feel like I'm doing a rotten job with Tex
and that we're far apart right now due to it

and

yes -- I have told him so
it would be strange to tell him here first
so I suppose it goes without saying

in the past few days I find myself with that feeling
that many of us feel

"I'm not really submissive at all"

but

as soon as I type it I think

If I weren't submissive
I would love the untethered feeling

I would thrive in it

I would crave it

I would want to shake off the shakles and breathe in and feel it

and

I don't

I want it all
and

things will calm down
and I'll find my way back
and hopefully find my patient man waiting for me.

Filthy Filthy Girl

Irony:  ransacking every box looking for batteries and finally trying to find your vibe so you can steal the batteries for the TV remote.


Vibe left in box still at the house


**************

I am moved in -- there are boxes galore to be unpacked
I am dirty

I smell

my feet hurt

but

beds are made
curtains (ok -- one set) are hung

baby is trying to avoid sleeping

even though we are both spent

and there is still much to do at the old house -- a garage sale to have (everything for the sale has been left behind

but

I am here
and

very
very happy

I am off to take my first shower in my house

and am starting the adventure that is nocableTV (just hulu and Netflix -- whatever shall I do (faints))

the new adventure begins

Hoof in Mouth Disease

...or where B opens her yap and buys herself a whole lot more work.

I called my case manager (Aka Strawberry Shortcake) to ask if I had received permission to take Pixie out of state for her (sort of) sister's graduation

and she didn't know yet

we chatted for a minute and then I said,

"next time you come see us we'll be in the house"

she followed up with "have you had your inspection?"

and I chirped -- "no, I asked X and she told me we could do it later"

pause pause pause

and then she ended the conversation

a few minutes later she called me back

her supervisor (who still isn't as high up as X) vetoed this

and now

even though my movers arrive at 8am
I am being inspected at new house

at 1030am

while the furniture is still being moved into my house

all because

I'm a dope

now

big picture

I can just say, "yes -- I'll get that done"
because I have the mother of all excuses

but

it's one more stressor that I didn't need

That is all

off to dreamland

where hopefully I will NOT be in a boat on rough seas with a dozen water spouts all around us trying to crush our little boat

because that dream was loads of fun.

so much to do -- so little time

I'm worn out
more to do tomorrow

and I'll get done what I can get done

I am resolved not to worry too much about it

for now I have to move the garbage cans -- the lids are open and we're expecting a heck of a storm in the middle of the night

and while I hoped to talk to Tex - I think he's gone to bed.

I am missing him

but we'll catch up tomorrow night

tomorrow I'll get my mom out in the world -- show her how to use those motorized carts to shop with
and hopefully give her back some freedom

and take down all my curtains

and pack
and pack
and pack

and then clean so that when cps shows up to view my house tomorrow for the monthly visit she won't think I'm a dirty packer

well

or that the place is unsafe - which is all I care about

night all

B

Not writing

I haven't written for a few days

Thursday night I asked for permission not to
and last night I fell asleep on the sofa

so

no writing

and not really much to write about today

I am so busy and frustrated at work that I can't see straight
I am tired of being asked the same questions over and over
and pretending to not be super irritated by it.

at home -- I am finishing packing to move on Tuesday

things with Pixie seem to be going well - but I have a feeling of foreboding that I don't much like

I am waiting for something bad to happen

(is that terrible?)

perhaps because that's just how things have seemed to go in this case -- you want good things
but delays seem to pile upon delays
until you can't take it any more

mostly it's the stress

I'm going to stay focused on getting ready

tomorrow is another day

Where Beatrice admits that she's just a romantic fool

Tex and I had a text chat today

I told him I was struggling to put my finger on what's wrong with my FWB

I like the man
I'm attracted to him
I like talking to him
and he cares about me

but that deep connection
that submissive feeling
that

God

What is it?
bond?
that thing that binds me to him

isn't there

and

I find the roughness
the
same things I might find delicious from Tex

I find them
nearly intolerable

it's not technique
it's that my heart isn't in it

Why does it work with D instead?

well

for one

there's less D and more S in our D/s
there's a gentleness to it

but it's more than that
we have a lot of history D and I
and

He loves me in his way
and I love him in mine

there's a closeness

and while I crave the closeness
the touch

without the rest of it

I feel empty
and

I don't think I want to try to make something like that work for me any more

perhaps I am just a romantic fool

in fact

I know I am

I am who I am

I have learned what it is to love with my whole heart
and less
doesn't appeal to me anymore.

B fucks up

I forgot something important

the FWB that I was spending time when - that I cut off back in January

I remembered how much I like him as a person
how much I enjoy his company

I

just forgot

how much I don't like him in bed

and now

I'm back in

(sigh)

fuck me

I'm either going to have to coach him
(which might be hopeless)

or

end it again

so

yes -- I've been fucked
and I'm well

uncomfortable

but not in that delicious way you want to be

how can one man be so good at foreplay and not so great at the big show?

night all

B

A busy time

This week will be more than a bit hectic for me

I continue to work on the move in the small increments of time I have between toddler wrangling
and

it's the busiest time of year for me -- I'll be conducting 14 hour long meetings over the next 2 1/2 days and won't come up for air more than a few moments during that time

I'm a bit nervous - -because the topic of the meetings is highly unpopular
but

I'll be fine by meeting number 3 I'm sure.

I'm missing my man -- he's been off with his FWB spending Easter  -- and I've been with mine doing the same

it's easy to hide Easter Eggs by the way for a 23 month old -- you simply throw them in the yard and she enjoys picking them up

My poor mom hobbled to the new house but wore herself out
she's improving by stages

and I'm off to the store for her again in a few minutes to pick up a few things that we missed

work starts at 5:30am in the morning -- sleep well my friends

hugs

B

A bit better

And just like that -- the next day things improve

I really shouldn't blog when my emotions are high - it gives the impression that I'm moping about

when really -- I'm just packing and getting things done

I have decided that I need to work on getting some maintenance and think I'll get in contact with my former FWB -- he's a sweet man

and a good Dom

and may help me get my balance back

Tex has someone on his side that scratches his D/s itch

D is sweet
but

we don't see each other enough
and

well

he scratches a different itch.

I'll talk to Tex about it when he's back in touch

holidays you know

and until then

well

those boxes aren't packing themselves.

Anyone want to fly out and pack me up?

anyone?

tough talk

We had a tough conversation today

today we tossed out the hopes and dreams talk
and talked about reality

and it's good that we did
because I think it's important that
we both understand that there are concerns
that

we may or may not be cut out for real life

together

I think we are
I think we have a better chance than most

but

we have to have more time together

and

here's the thing

it can't be that I'm the one who always goes to him
because that doesn't really tell us what we would be like together
it is fantasy land

and

He doesn't know
(well - he does now)
that it made me a bit weepy

because it's hard to talk about the mushy stuff
and it's hard to talk about the emotional risk
and

hard to tell him that I think he holds back emotionally because he isn't sure we'll work out

and

I just wish we could make it better
and curl up together

today Long Distance sucks

tomorrow I'll be ok

but today

it sucks.
and I want a hug.

10 minutes

I have 10 minutes for blogging -- and while that seems like a long time a huge amount of blogging time is spent with fingers curved over keys

think
think
thinking

looking for the right word

or

in my world

hitting the return key too many times

I am frustrated with my lack of progress in the house
and need to kick myself in the pants

it's easier to accomplish things when you live with someone
you have someone to urge you on

to work shoulder to shoulder with

to spank if necessary

so I did a bit of self-spanking today to get my bootie in line

we'll see if it does the trick.

I'll set some goals for the weekend

the bunny is unlikely to do much at our house -- I'm not a fan of 2 year olds + chocolate -- so there is a basket and a stuffed animal -- but not much else

Tex thinks I should hide some eggs
and perhaps I shall

empty

Pixie won't care
she'll love it

maybe with one m & m inside to make them rattle

think
think
think

this is how the overblown easter starts -- baby steps -- followed by Peep Dioramas and over sugared tots wailing when they discover the chocolate bunny is hollow

it's a slippery marshmallow coated slope.

Spankraving

There was a moment
after D came in
and
I took off his shoes and socks
and he undid his belt
and
I heard the sound of the belt sing through the loops

and I had a what if moment

its been so long since I've had a spanking
and
I imagined in that split second getting one
pushed down
onto the bed
and
spanked to tears

and as fast as the fantasy hit
I realized I want it
but not from D

I need it
but not a random one

that it's not what I have with D

but tonight
when I talk to Tex
I'll be thinking about that sound
and how much
I crave

Getting some

before I get into that -- my mom doesn't need surgery and will wear a brace for about 10 weeks

she looked at me with doubt when I told her that putting on the brace would subtract 90% of the pain -- and I'm happy she was wrong -- because she was shocked at how much if helped

In the meantime - -D came to see me tonight

just for an hour

he texted me that he wanted pampering
which is sometimes what we have
he pampers
I serve

and it scratches a bit of the need
a lot of the need

but doesn't get me laid

I adjusted my expectations
but

apparently
he changed his mind
and

it was all about me
which was lovely

because I had lost my O lately
it's been hiding
shy

apparently it was buried in there and he found it and fucked it out of me

it brought friends

it's what I needed

Thank you Tex for letting me keep D

How I Broke My Mother

more floors today

it seems some yahoo broke a ball point pen at some point on the hardwood floors in my house and the ink soaked in

I sanded -- but then eventually found that some of the (less ground in spots) could be removed with a magic eraser

I found myself thinking about Mouse with all of my magic erasers as I scrubbed wall to wall of that room (otherwise there were suspiciously clean spots) -- and smiled a bit as I recalled how nuts I thought it was that she was on her hands and knees with the magic erasers

I'm buying another box tomorrow

While taking a break from scrubbing - the wifi guys were installing and I didn't want to be caught hands on the floor ass in the air scrubbing -- no matter how alluring that might have been to some sorts

my poor mom tripped and fell on my tile floors

and broke her kneecap

(insert internal scream here)

poor mom

she's crushed that she got hurt and can't help me
and worried that this is going to end up being a major injury

and I'm crushed that I broke my mommy
and worried that this is going to be a major injury

we had her lie down on the floor for a bit while she caught her breath and we applied ice -- the one pillow I've taken over under her knee

tomorrow it's the orthopedist for mom
and

I'll get my shit done at some point

poor mom

:(

Elbow Grease

The new home needs a bit of TLC

but the return on my investment so far has been awesome

the hardwood floors are original and need sanding in spots -- there are bits of paint to be removed and stains to be lightened -- and then -- the refinishing

2 rooms down -- 2 to go (and the hallway) -- and I'll be ready to start moving in

it's funny
but I wonder if I would love this house as much if I didn't have to spend some time on my hands and knees making it my own

and it makes me speculate if that follows with other things

does it follow with relationships?

certainly -- I think while we like the idea of an effortless relationship -- someone that requires no investment at all -- who is just ever present?

isn't as appealing as a relationship that one has to maintain

I think in the past I have been too willing to allow all the effort to be on my side

taking it on as my role in the relationship

the sub serves

I like what i have now
the give and take of it

and I like that we both have to be present
and maintain it

sustain it
protect it

invest in it

it does make me value it more
and I think he would say the same.

Ode de Fromage

Oh Havarti
How are Ye
so cruel to me
you munster
your creamy texture is so gouda
but you make me bleu
queso
It's just my feta
Asiago
and
go
and go

Slow going

Not to worry - I will be moving slowly

tomorrow
paperwork

signing over my life

and

cleaning

the Open House will have to wait -- and Yes -- we can have manhattans -- and THIS:

In case you're wondering- - it's pears on top - and chicken salad on the bottom

yum

but tomorrow it will be sandwiches and the first load unloaded -- liner in the kitchens and floors washed

and not a lot more

It's an exciting day -- and the first day of the next phase of my life -- the reconstruction years (after the divorce) are over.....

Carpetbaggers be gone!

My house

So - my new house was built in the 50's

I love older houses

some people don't
they like vaulted ceilings
and open plans

but I like
small cozy spaces

and white painted cabinets

I'm thinking I might have a house warming when I get all settled in
and serve a mid-century menu

with a hot crab dip
and a jello mold with corn floating in it

and sloe gin fizzes

want to come?

there may be a turkey loaf....just sayin'

Turning the corner

so I still sound tubercular

but I am feeling much
much better

I'm here in bed and finally have my appetite back and want to go stare at my pantry and drool

not that there's anything in there to drool over

some cheez-its maybe

the pretzel covered milano cookies are gone

damn it

and I refuse to bake right now

just silly

The kiddo has invited me to go to her graduation which is right in the middle of the moving
and I really should go

and I have to decide:  long road trip with a 2 year old
or
long road trip without her and find respite care

hmm

I hate both ideas

I would rather go see Tex -- but that's really out of the question

so

I'll ponder it and work it out
I'm sure she has a ton of crap that needs to come live in my garage for the summer

ok

back to good things

I feel good
and hungry again

and wishing I had asked for an O before bed

that HAS to be a good sign

love to you all

B

Dreams

Maybe it's the stress of buying a house
or
being so sick

but

I'm dreaming like crazy

slippery dreams that fall through my fingers moments after I wake up
leaving me with just a dim memory

sexy dreams that leave me wanting more

dreams that take place somewhere new

my alarm goes off
and I hit snooze
and settle back into them

for just

3 more minutes

Video Chat

I just hung up from a video chat with Tex

I cringed a bit to see it was a video call and not a phone call
but

as much as I hate looking so crappy
I also know I wanted to see him
and I think he wanted to see how I look

he didn't cringe or wince

nor did he say, "you look fine baby" -- which is good because I would know he was lying

I look like crap

but less like crap every day

so

I hinted awhile back that I was going to do something big
which has made this whole getting sick thing even more inconvenient

but here it is

I

am

buying

a

house.

in fact

my first house.

(yay!)

Yes -- I know I'm old to be buying my first house -- but seriously
my ex husband was really bad at life
and it drug me down for years and years

so here I am

now

on Friday

closing on my house

(and due to all of this grunge -- no where near ready to move)

but I'm not going to let that hold me back

I'm over the moon
and dreaming Codeine Cough Syrup dreams about it every night.

The Big Sleep

I was trying to come up with a catching title tonight and I thought about "The Long Sleep" -- which was actually "The Big Sleep" and I found myself off on a tangent

what I actually started to write about is that I put my head down on the couch for just a minute after my shower to watch something I DVRed -- and woke up at 1145

Whaaa?

today was the first day back at work (where I was told I look like crap) -- and I survived most of the day before calling it quits and coming home for a quick nap before I staggered in to get Pixie

dinner with the parents

then

home to THE BIG SLEEP

the actual sleep - -not the awesome Bogart/Bacall Barnstormer (see what I did there)

and now
I can pretend that was "napping" -- and go to sleep

B

PS -- Pixie is coming down with a bug now too (ugh)

Coming up for air

I just got off the phone with Tex
our first conversation in a week

it was going to be a quiet week for us anyway
it's spring break and he has his kids

we both want him to spend as much time with them as possible.

normally we would have chatted when he went to bed
but I've been lights-out early-early this week

today I had a 6 hour nap
and am about to call it a night

I've turned the corner
and
when I got on the phone he told me that I sounded terrible

which made me laugh
because I sound fucking awesome NOW

fortunately no video call - -because I look like hell

so

I am back
and am going to get back on the program

daily photos (that first one is going to be a bit rough -- )
and reports
and checking in

it's going to be slow going for a few more days
but day by day I'm getting there

Love to you all -- and thanks for the well-wishes.

B

yuck

I have not blogged for days

I have pneumonia

and it sucks

so

lots of sleep
and very little of Tex for me

but I will take my meds
and sleep my sleep
and soon -- it will be in the past.