Not that there's anything wrong with that...

...The Man came to see me
and

we had a nice dinner
and a long talk

mostly about how I don't know what I want
and a lot of "I won't get my feelings hurt if we don't play"
and a lot of "I won't get too attached if we do play"

on both sides

we both worry a lot about the other's feelings

it's sweet
particularly in a sadist

and

The Man is a sadist.

So

We had talked about it
and I told him that since I was undecided we should not
but

then I kissed him back rather passionately
and found myself recanting

He presented a deal

He would show me
just the sadist
there would be no payoff in the end
no O for me
and no subspace either

just

a taste
a sampling
of the sadist

to make clear what I would be getting into
and

I said yes
(and let me be clear -- I had to keep saying yes -- throughout -- yes to more)

so it was yes to rope
and yes to the wooden spoon liberally applied to create an even pattern of marks

and yes to the much hated clothespins
that where whacked off with the now much hated wooden spoon
and the yeses continued

until we hit a hell no
fuckno
make itstop no
and I burst into tears

which he told me
after it all
was going to happen eventually -- that he planned to go until I got to that point

the next day
we talked it out
and

I am not a masochist

I'm just not
and

he needs someone who wants to be hurt
he needs to be hurt
not because she wants to please
or because she wants to make him proud
but because she needs to be hurt

(shrugs)
and that's never going to be me

so I'll see him over the next few weeks
my dear friend
but

he will stay down the hall
and I'll keep the rope in the bag
and

will continue to try to find a way
to make this all work

Water water everywhere

I haven't been blogging

you may have noticed (all 6 of you who still read)

but I haven't had much to say

it's been a rough month.  Tex has been booked up pretty much every weekend which means that I get no time with him

and

I am a selfish girl
well

greedy

not selfish

greedy.

I have friends who are great with the benefits -- but not so great with the friend part
and

I'm lonesome

Tex and I have talked about it -- and the FWB I had was perfect on the friend side -- I just hated having sex with him

there has to be someone out there that I want to hang out with  -- and still get my sub on with too

right?

In the meantime

The Man is coming into town and is going to come see me tomorrow night
and we may or may not play -- I'm undecided.
He's sweet
and I care for him very much

but
like Tex
doesn't live here
and

unlike Tex
never will

he will make me feel less lonely tomorrow night
but more lonely when I feel the contrast as he goes back home again

it's time
to try to find someone

so I went out to CM which was GONE
and

I thought -- "well, I'll go vanilla"
which

can I just say it?


ick

fucking ick.

because to be honest about what I want makes me look like a fucking slut
and no - not in a GOOD way

in a "hey baby come do me" sort of way

again
I can get laid ya'll
I want a bit more from a man

wait

am I actually bitching that all the men out there want RELATIONSHIPS?

(shakes head)

I must be in bizarro world.

any way

stay tuned
Tex is going to help me (CM has started back up under a different domain name)

more to come.

Sex Dream

I went to a basketball  game
and
I was allowed to make a free-throw
I missed
but hit some other basket farther away
which made everyone laugh
and they cut down the second net for me to keep
to the roar of the crowd
my friend and I
went into our box
which was close to the box
but when we looked at the players
they were like ants
and after 1 play
they took a break
and my friend told me we had an hour to kill
sadly
the box was not private
people walked through
to go to concessions

I wanted to tease my friend
who started off as a man
but then who became a woman in the dream
as I teased her under her skirt
learning as I go
as I have not been with a woman
and who
much to my surprise
ended up with a penis

and I awoke
hot
and revved up
and unable to do a thing about it

wishing I had Tex's permission
to cum.

Bumps in the road

I have some friends who are new to the foster world

they got a placement of twins -- premature

and those twins went back home this week
and on that same day
they were investigated by the state for a complaint

C called me in a panic
H was home with their birth kids and the investigator
C was fighting traffic to get home
and try
to help

she was confused
and scared and angry

and

it came to me how much I've grown
how I've changed through this process

how
transformed I am
by it

I told her

"you are on a journey
to become a Zen Mother Fucker
and all of this will teach you flexibility
and adaptability and patience....
...and one day...you will realize that all you need to do
is take care of your kids
and love them

and the rest will work out
and you too will be a Zen Mother Fucker"

somewhere along the way
I started to transform
and I want to thank the blogosphere

the existence of the blog itself -- for giving me a place to get out my words
and  for the readers
who helped me
and encouraged me
and gave me permission to roll my eyes or laugh at the whole thing
who
helped me to become

or start to become

A MotherFuckingZenMaster

so I could pass it on

the little things

He says that he notices all the little things I do
for him
or because of him

and

the fact that he notices
them

and that they're important to him
and

that he tells me he notices them

is the little thing
that touches me the most

There and back again

I am back from the trip

and as previously reported
the Pixie did ok

not great
but OK

the Kiddo  -- true to form -- took advantage
as 19 yr olds often do
and failed to communicate that

A) she had moved back into the dorms and
B) I needed to move her out of the dorms on graduation day
also

in spite of being asked to pack 2 small boxes of necessities for college next year
she randomly packed her things without any thought to what she might need at her new school

and no

I will not be buying her anything to set up dorm room number 2
one dorm room per lifetime.

fortunately, I made her leave the blankets with me so she'll at least have bedding in the dorms next year

so

now I have a small tear to repair in my leather seats
and
it cost me an extra night in a hotel
but

I got to see her graduate
and Pixie and I got to work out how a road trip might work for us
and I got to meet the boyfriend (yawn)
and hopefully helped her see that he's a pretty big mess

they're going to try long distance
(smiling)
not everyone can make that work.

Just think in 17 more years I'll be doing this again and rolling my eyes at Pixie's boyfriend

(shudder)

Back

a lot to blog about -- for another day
I got a chance to spend some time with D tonight
just pampering for him
and

just what I needed
to take care of someone
and focus on someone

mother nature freed me from worrying about anything else
so just focused on him

a great way to scratch my sub itch.

Road Trip!

First daughter is getting her Associate's degree

so Pixie and I are headed across a few states to go watch it happen

a road trip

with

a 23 month old

(doh!)

alone

trapped in the car

(doh! doh!)

emergency supplies have been packed

there is a DVD player
and teddy grahams
and books and books and books

as well as a substantial supply of Dr Pepper

Monkey will come along as well
and

in case of emergency

make bubbles.

Bon voyage!

(back Sunday)

The thin line between adorable and creepy

it's nearly midnight and I'm just home from work

just to be clear -- I left the house at 7am

it's been a long day

I did leave work -- and ran some errands -- but got called back just before I picked up Pixie from Nana's

A complaint

She said he asked her out
and won't take no for an answer
and walked with her out to her car one night

he teases her

and

she says she's told him to stop

but

he didn't get the message

so

I brought down the hammer
and made sure HE GOT THE MESSAGE

this is part of what I do
be the big serious scary person

and trust me
I scare the crap out of them when they see me at 10 at night

If she liked him
all of this would be lovely
sweet concern for her
walking her to her car
making sure she was safe
showing interest
joking with her

adorableness

but
just on the other side of adorable

is

ookiness

a man who texts you 10 times a day is a stalker or a sweetheart -- all depending on how you feel about it -- how welcome it is

We need to do a better job
of getting guys to understand
when we're encouraging them
and when we're not

we need to do a better job with our sons
to make it clear

I looked into this poor sap's eyes tonight
and he was just clueless that she was telling him no all this time
(and don't get me wrong - this guy didn't do anything that was really out of line -- he was just -- persistent)

I wish it were easier.

Practically Perfect

What a wonderful day

Pixie and I got up (insanely) early
and went to the store to buy our Mother's Day meal

we ran errands -- and visited with my parents
and then came home

Pixie wasn't quite ready for a nap - so we played ball in the yard
and then
settled in for some Winnie the Pooh

she loves it

I started to drift off and she delighted me with a few wet toddler kisses
followed by prying one of my eyes open to see if I was in there

and ultimately

covered us both up with a blanket

eventually -- I put her down and got a few things done

My parents came back over and we finished the sandbox
(sawed and hammered by yours truly)
and made the baby make a SQUEEEE sound

and made me regret the too short shorts commando
as I have sand where I oughtn't

a wonderful dinner

Salmon
Asparagus
fresh bread and salad
(all enjoyed by all the adults and the baby (sans salad) -- yes -- even the asparagus!)

and topped off
just now
by a sweet girl
crawling up in my lap to give me a hug
and falling asleep on my shoulder

I couldn't feel more like a mom than I did today

Thank you Pixie for the best Mother's Day gift(s) ever

you are delightful.

5 years

Mr C sent me a message the other day -- telling me it was 5 years since we met.

He remembers such things
He has one of those perfect minds that recalls every single thing
which seems to be both blessing and curse

and I thought

wow

5 years?

it means
in a few weeks
I've been aware of this side of me

for 5 years

it seems longer
and less time too

because I always feel new

particularly now-- since those days I am only a theoretical sub
a paper sub

a philosophical one

my sub itch scratched every few weeks by a minimal application of control from D

and I don't know quite what to do about it

or how important "play" is to me

or even how I could present myself as any sort of experienced sub when my asscalluses have all dropped off

I am the wimpiest of subs these days I think

I have come to the realization that I don't want D/s without that intensity of connection
I don't want to submit to anyone but Tex these days

which is hard
because

he is not here
and I don't know
when or if he will be.

Shitty mood

I am in a bad mood
and Pixie is in a bad mood

and today
I felt like no one was happy with me

some of it may be deserved
some of it was not

it made for a frustrating day

but then

Tex called me
and I told him that no one was happy with me
and when he said,

"I'm happy with you"

it made me smile

and no
not everything is better

I'm still pissy
baby is still pissy

but

it will be better

well

eventually

Thank you Tex

Auld Lang Syne

On occasion I get a message from Doms gone by

and I'm flattered
to some degree to be remembered fondly
to have them touch base

at the same time
I wonder why they would try again

perhaps the supply of real live girl types is so low
that I've just come back around in rotation

it seems to take about 11 months

and then - -it's back to the same old song

telling me
whatever they think I want to hear
to let them back in

today

it was a Dom
married
a FWB possibility

who I met once
but who then had a crisis of conscience and decided he couldn't do it to his wife

and

when I called him out on it

he assured me that he was over his crisis

(eyeroll)

the fact that his penis has temporarily overwhelmed his sense of morality doesn't encourage me to drop everything and throw myself into his arms.

so I rejected his advances
a few times
and (like I do) - offered friendship
and was told "let me know if you change your mind"

um

(snort)

unlikely

unless of course he's good at basic household repairs...hmmm....maybe I should call him back...

Fair weather friends

Pixie is much better

when it's time for night night -- she wants all of her babies

I do mean ALL

in bed with her

actually crib

yes

I haven't moved her to a toddler bed yet -- if she's still contained in that thing by kindergarden I may consider it -- but until then - it gives this single momma a bit of control

and keeps her from hitting the floor -- because she's an energetic sleeper

so we put puppy in
and dragon
and bear
and monkey
and blanket

and when I go in to cover her up before I go to bed

all have been expelled

in fact

usually I hear a plaintiff cry of MOOOONKEEEEY
during the going to sleep struggles

I wonder
if it's upon seeing that she's cast him out
or her battle cry as she launches him into the air

Where B spends the day with a barfy baby and still improves on her birthday in 2013

Happy Birthday to me

I do love my birthday

today
I went to get up Pixie
and

she wouldn't wake up

she sort of woke up -- but then kept falling back asleep

unusually for her -- but I thought in time it would improve

and yes

I am a horrible mother
because when she climbed on the coffee table to fall back asleep I took a photo
it'll be fun at her wedding

I can tell everyone she was planking.

I got her shoes on
and took her to daycare

but had to return with her nap mat

and came in just in time for the rainbow showers

(poor Pixie)

So we spent the day at home
and
she just finally
finally
finally at 10pm stopped singing and went to sleep (overlapped today -- she stayed up 3 hours past bedtime)

Instead of a nice birthday dinner - - I had potpies and angel food cake with my parents
still lovely

last year -- I had the preteens -- who spent my birthday screaming at me that I was a bitch
I think FL lost 8 days of internet on my birthday last year

yes

today was better

******
last night D came to see me -- and was sweet to me
darkly sweet
but sweet

Tex asked me if D saw the house
and I told him
"No -- D doesn't even remotely resemble anything close to a boyfriend -- that job is yours"

but

he does have an important role of me

he keeps that part alive for me
not that I got any birthday spanks out of it

but
I do get to surrender control
and lose myself
and until I can find myself where I want to be
it's good to be reminded that its what I want
and need

Today is my birthday
and
it kicks off what I believe will be a stellar year for me

I couldn't ask for anything more
and wouldn't give back any of it

well

maybe the puke.

If you were my man.....

....I have been thinking about some of the things that might have to change if I had a man here all the time

things that I do
that might drive someone crazy

when you're coupled up
you know what these things are

you know

from the eye rolling
or
in our world
the spankings

at any rate -- here's the first blog about things I do

...

I like to keep things
not collect things

but keep things that might be useful someday

not in a hoarding sort of way
although it's a kissing cousin
the non-mentally-ill version of it

then again
abnormal behavior seems normal if you do it

at any rate

I have a hard time passing up useful trash -- particularly on bulk pick up day
and I can imagine a world where Tex has to draw the line
as I drool over a dresser with just one broken drawer that I can turn into a planter
or a lamp
or a microwave oven

I am eternally optimistic

my successes in reclamation feeding my illness

while I completely put the unrenovated dresser I picked up 8 months ago completely out of my mind

so -- confession number 1 behind me
Happy Sunday night

B

swings

I have felt far from him
far from submission
far from sexuality
far from focus and connectivity

and

like a child on a swing
there is a maximum point
where you strains at the extreme
and for a moment seems suspended mid air
frozen
weightless
before returning
back
back
back
to the other side

at each extreme you feel that you might fly off
fall to the ground

or jump off -- and away

but
there's always a swing back
and I'm happy to say that I am on my way back
that

we're connecting better
warmer
we're working back to where we belong
and

I feel lucky
to have so patient a man
waiting for me to swing back

long distance is hard
but
I believe
for the right one
worth it

I would be the worst Domme

Tex and I talked a good while tonight
mostly

about all the things I need to get done around here

and we joked
that If I had a sub - I would only want him to do handiwork -- and rub my feet

I insisted that no one would only want to finish my honey-do list and rub my feet (with their hands)

and Tex insisted that not only would I find one - -but I would most likely find one that would do it within 2 weeks

we riffed on this a bit
me horrified at his suggestion that I could get a crop if they became too distracted by staring at my boobs
and he, offering to answer my respondents if I created a Domme ad on CM

so
in case anyone in my area is up to be my domestic slave -- with no benefits at all whatsoever:

Here's your to-do list:

1.  Replace the doorknob on the guest closet with a lock
2.  Build a sandbox for Pixie
3.  Install my sun-sail outside
4.  bring in all the boxes marked books so I can sort and unpack them (they are heavy)
5.  rub my feet
6.  varnish my hallway -- I will have to varnish myself into my room for the next few nights and be trapped while it dries
7.  caulk the windows
8.  measure all the windows so I can order screens
9.  screw that -- order the screens too while you're at it
10.  buy some dirt and fill in the divot in the yard that the Pixie keeps tripping on
11.  rub my feet
12.  remove the chicken wire that is on the fence line - it has no purpose
13.  haul the crap out of the garage left by the previous owners
14.  help me hang the curtains
15.  and hold the pictures up against the wall while I take an eternity to decide where they should be hung
16.  hang pictures
and so on and so on

sound appealing?

frankly -- I think he's full of crap about me finding someone willing to do it all
but what a great fantasy

perhaps he can make me a drink while I watch....

cheesy

We did a book drive today -- I fed you a grilled cheese sandwich for any donation of a book -- or any amount of money

we raised a good amount of money and fed some happy people

Being in the south -- I made grilled pimento cheese

which

um

is pretty disgusting

pimento cheese is normally cheddar cheese, mayo, pimentos (roasted red peppers in a bit of vinegar) and maybe a dash of tabasco.

I replaced most of the mayo with cream cheese
and

well

it's a gooey mess

the big hit was the pizza grilled cheese (shockingly good) -- with the toast made extra crunchy with mayo instead of butter (which shocked me -- but YUM)

when I'm not doing house stuff
and baby stuff
and sub stuff

I make 150 grilled cheese sandwiches

and
eat none of them
(cheese is the enemy)

D offered to come over last night
I declined
too tired
too late

and

tonight

well - his window of opportunity has closed

but
there's laundry
and unpacking
and I'll be too tired again
and it'll be too late

and tomorrow it'll all happen again

happy grilled cheese ya'll
love,

B