Not that there's anything wrong with that...

...The Man came to see me
and

we had a nice dinner
and a long talk

mostly about how I don't know what I want
and a lot of "I won't get my feelings hurt if we don't play"
and a lot of "I won't get too attached if we do play"

on both sides

we both worry a lot about the other's feelings

it's sweet
particularly in a sadist

and

The Man is a sadist.

So

We had talked about it
and I told him that since I was undecided we should not
but

then I kissed him back rather passionately
and found myself recanting

He presented a deal

He would show me
just the sadist
there would be no payoff in the end
no O for me
and no subspace either

just

a taste
a sampling
of the sadist

to make clear what I would be getting into
and

I said yes
(and let me be clear -- I had to keep saying yes -- throughout -- yes to more)

so it was yes to rope
and yes to the wooden spoon liberally applied to create an even pattern of marks

and yes to the much hated clothespins
that where whacked off with the now much hated wooden spoon
and the yeses continued

until we hit a hell no
fuckno
make itstop no
and I burst into tears

which he told me
after it all
was going to happen eventually -- that he planned to go until I got to that point

the next day
we talked it out
and

I am not a masochist

I'm just not
and

he needs someone who wants to be hurt
he needs to be hurt
not because she wants to please
or because she wants to make him proud
but because she needs to be hurt

(shrugs)
and that's never going to be me

so I'll see him over the next few weeks
my dear friend
but

he will stay down the hall
and I'll keep the rope in the bag
and

will continue to try to find a way
to make this all work