What now?

Well

I'm going to date.

and no-- I'm not going to go into some deep mourning -because the reality is that while I'm sad and I'm going to miss him - I've had to let him go bit by bit in the past few months as it became more and more clear that I was never going to make it to the top of the to do list

and I DO need to be checked off that To Do list
ahem

aaaaaand

I'm going to vanilla date a bit.

because I think I need to recalibrate a bit.
make sure that this is what I want

and

because I think I've already met every Dom over the age of 40 in the Southwest United States

and just because someone is "vanilla" doesn't mean that they have to be a milktoast

so you can expect some adventures in dating at some point

but now?

I'm going to go get dressed and clean out my parent's rain gutters

because life is fucking glamorous

And -- it's done.

I have asked to be released
and he understood it was the right thing to do for my heart

we wanted this to work

it did not.

and while I am putting it directly here

it stings

and

we've said we'll be friends

(and both of us are pretty good at being friends with exes)

and who knows

if he ever gets around to moving here

maybe we can make it work

maybe

until then

I will be moving on
and figuring out the next step

and disguising some puffy eyes.

B

PS -- this is one of those shoulder bump/hugs moments - but not much more than that - my skin is thin and I mostly need to toughen up a bit.

Giving it back to him

I have been in a bad place

I got upset with Tex
and

then I got more upset

and

more upset

the sort of upset where you sit on your bed with a box of kleenex
and soak
tissue
after tissue

the sort of upset where you start to just

give up

I had to make excuses at work the next day for my puffy eyes

I blamed it on allergies

which

well

I'm sodden with them - it's a reasonable excuse

(and I don't think Tex knew/knows how upset I was -- until most likely just now while he's reading)

and then

well

I had a visit from D
who helped me reset my buttons

not by giving advice
just by
letting me talk
and be with someone

stemming the loneliness a bit

I let him in
and he was in charge for the night

and I remembered

that
if I'm putting myself in Tex's hands
then

this isn't my problem to solve
so

I sat down and wrote it all out
and then I lived with the email for a day
and sent it today

and
while he doesn't have a solution
(and I don't expect one)

I feel better
like

I'm doing what I'm supposed to do
which is trust him to work it out
and

if not
well
then we'll know what to do next.

sorry for the quiet readers -- but now you know

more soon

B

Groundhog Day

I went to see the Edge of Tomorrow -- which was fun -- a combination of Groundhog Day and Starship Troopers (hmm - Troupers?  Troupers makes them sound like Vaudevillians)

I sort of feel that I'm on a loop too

only without the alien menace and guns

The court case trudges on  -- at a snails pace  -- with delay after delay

and

work is the same as it has been the past 5 years
and I solve the same problems year after year

and

Tex and I are the same
we wax and wane - we stretch -- but do not break

he makes me feel good
but I miss him
and wish things were different

and

I am sick
again

with the same stuff
that I can't seem to shake
for the 5th time this year

Now

I have to say -- what I wrote above is what was in my head at about 3:00 today -- while I waited to see the doctor for the third time in 4 days

and
 now
while the cough is still there
my voice is back a bit

and

I had a nice text chat with Tex
and

those problems I solve
well
that's why I'm there
why they need me

and

a court date has been set
finally

early early early next month

I get to find out (maybe) what this is all about
and maybe maybe maybe

get to get the hell out of Groundhog Day

A shift in the blog

As you may have surmised -- Tex has agreed that the blog doesn't have to be my place for daily communication

WHEW

because while I do not tire of telling him that I'm his
and he does not seem to yet grow tired of it

it makes for dull blogging

and the only thing worse that no blogging is dull blogging

it'll drive away readers in droves

so I may continue to tell him how wonderful I think he is
and share the occasional fantasy

I don't have to do so publicly

effective

well -- retroactively

**********
It's starting to be summer here -- and the Pixie and I are struggling with allergies again
sometimes I think it'll never end

and I'm tidying the house -- my friend is coming back into town for one last visit and will stay over on Monday night -- we're doing the mostlyplatonic thing -- which is good- because he's not good at easing a girl in

and never will be

and that's what I'll need

D?

he's out of town for the weekend -- I am not ready to judge if this will work or not -- but I hope it will -- he's a sweet man -- although

can I see him taking me to the Cineplex?

(pauses for peals of laughter and a new pair of pants now that I've wet mine)

somehow I think not.

funny moment when he came over to talk to me
he wanted to let me know that we might not always have sex when we see each other in this new order -- and he didn't want me to think it meant he didn't want to have sex with me

(which made me smile)

I didn't say

"I know you want to have sex with me -- the question is -- do you want anything else"

and we shall see

shortly I'll have a phone date with Tex -- I'm happy to talk to him again
scratchy voice and all

goodnight dear readers

B

Lazy

I haven't wanted to blog because I don't have a huge amount going on

or at least not enough to blog about

and it's hard to meet my requirement to blog every day

and I'm thinking about
asking to change this
so that I don't have to blog
every day
to meet my requirement to write every day

so there may be some blog gaps

we'll have to see what Tex says.

Hope Springs Eternal

So I talked with D

and he said he wants to be more
and
that he was trying to be what he thought I wanted
while
I was only asking for what I thought he would give

neither wanting to ask for more

and

while I don't believe it will work
I don't believe that he has the time
or
the ganas (sorry - English fails me here -- it's a combination of desire and want and need) to go after it

but

Here's the truth

I love D
not in the way that I love Tex
differently

he's a big part of my journey
part lover
part big brother (in a nonincestuous way)

I think he loves me like a pet
a favorite toy
something he cherishes

and

in so many ways he is perfect
I am safe with him
physically
emotionally

and we are both safe from breaking each other's hearts

and while I think I'll end up disappointed
it is worth the time to find out

Now I'll just have to remind him that my behind is chilly and make sure that he wakes up the sleeping sub a bit
or

I'll be in no shape at all when I finally get to see Tex again

B

Pause button

I have created a new CM account for Tex and I to share

sent him a draft of the message

file hidden until he approves it

and

I sent a message to D

to let him know

because he's

 always on CM

and it's a common courtesy

essentially a "I'm a bit lonely - not looking to replace you...etc etc etc"

and he immediately texted me back

"I would like to discuss me being that option with you in person to be honest before your search begins, Can you commit to that for me?"

and

I have agreed

now

I don't think anything will come of it

I care deeply for D

but

he's not one to want more

and when I've expected more from him in the past

it's been a problem

but

I will hit the pause button

to at the very least

let him understand what's missing.

#overdommed