Too much

I have had too much food
and too much company

I love my family
but
they stress me out

I love them and I want to see them
but in general
I'm pretty happy when they go home

The kiddo is still here
but

something about having lived together before
I can just say

"I'm going to my room"
and

we're both fine with that
she and I are a bit alike that way
we need that quiet time

I haven't spoken to Tex since Wednesday -- and I want him to call
and he will
(we had some crossed wires last night that prevented us)

and he will help me get a bit centered
and stop these jangling nerves
from too many voices
and pretending to be interested in everything
all the time

(ugh - and the shopping -- the endless fucking shopping)

tomorrow I get my house back
and
I will settle in
and settle down

and will go from too much
to just right.

quiet

It's quiet and I miss him
I'm ready for family to give me some space

and I am ready for some Tex time
but for now

I'm off to sleep
(yes - -this is cheating on the blog a day)

Giving Thanks

I am Thankful for...

...getting closer to adopting than I ever have
....having my kiddo home from college and maybe going to school IN STATE next year
....having my brother and SIL here
...having my parents live so close to me
....a great job
....good health
....my blog community
....excellent friends
....a love of art and creativity
....being soft hearted  -- even when I hate it
....and my man -- and all the hope that he brings with him

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you...and many more blessings for all of us next year.

Shopping

I had to text Tex today to ask permission to go to the store off schedule

He called

"what do you need"

I proceded to give him my list
which was

um

long

because I forgot about all the things I needed for the holiday dinner
and the fact that I have company in the house
silly of me

He granted permission
but

informed me that after the holidays
that if I don't have what I need in the one allowed trip

that I will simply have to do without

*********

I have a vanilla friend who I came out to last year
and I was talking to her about this restriction

she's my hippy feminist vegan friend

who at first balked at this

"you  have to ASK?!?!"

I informed her that yes - I do have to ask.

and as we chatted about this
and looked at it a different way

she could see that his is a helpful thing
that makes me plan
that helps me to manage my food budget better

and
create discipline
(as well as saves wasted time running to the store)

and by the end of the conversation had my hippy feminist vegan vanilla friend wondering where she could get a Dom of her own

at least one that she can turn on and off

(lol)

so

6 weeks to get better y'all
or
end up eating a lot of ramen.

tablet

I bought a new tablet -- which I thought would be cool for when I travel - as I mostly need to blog

I wrote the following blog post with voice recognition (and yes -- now the keyboard is on order - smartasses)

so I bought this new Galaxy Tab 3which is super cool because I could having to carry my laptop everywhere and I could blog and read other peoples lawns and catch up on Facebook and watch Netflix and really beautiful the only problem with that is that I would have to use voice recognition to blog I was using my blog voice is going to come out if I'm doing voice recognition
that's a challenge
so this blog and I'm going to put in some returns but other than that what are words come out of blog is pretty much whatever the word recognition to the 10 so I will meet my blog is a requirement but do not have anything fabulous to say. In other newsmy brother is coming in tomorrow is why and the kiddo and what I wish you could come here for Thanksgiving but I know it's just not possible he's going to spend Thanksgiving alone 20 people who would want to have them over and I'm hoping I could sneak in some naughty time hopefully when the teenager has the headphones on otherwise sex talk than what we had last yearuntil tomorrow blocker verse have a wonderful night p

yes -- I need a keyboard.

and I also need to add one "yeah" and one "uh huh" from last night

Goodnight all

B

Battery Charger

I saw D last night

We were shooting for a different night
but the winter storm that was supposed to hit us
missed us

so we got together for about 2 hours

seems small

but 2 hours is about as much as I ever want

there's no warm up with D
he walks in the door and it's on

I had walked out to my car to get something when he walked up
and he kissed me on the driveway
and guided me up to the door

as the door clicked shut he pushed me up against the wall
with a hand firmly
against my throat

and I stood rock still
one shoe fallen off
as I had backed out of it
one half on
and he gave me my orders spoken into a mouth a 1/4 inch from mine

no

D doesn't need a warm up

sounds hot right?

like I should have cum 1/2 a dozen times

right?

you would be mistaken
it's almost as if I've been idling too long

I almost came
several times

and I did enjoy myself
I got my sub itch starched

giving him a long massage
time on my knees
a spanking that has left my sitter sore

and I got snuggled
which I am always in sore lack of

but

I did not cum

perhaps there's too much in my mind
that needs to be cleared out

I am glad to have seen him
but
a bit frustrated now too

A blog a day

There are days that are full of things to say
and there are days that are just quiet

today was a quiet day

well

not quiet
busy with tasks

and a tiny scare when I thought that the Pixie had burned her hand -- she patted the oven door when I had it open
quick as a flash
how do they move so fucking fast?

I whooshed her up and got it under running water while she screamed
and my mind raced

but no

apparently the oven door had been open long enough
and the crying was from her mommy scaring her and pouring ice cold water over her hand

while I prayed
and then said a prayer of thanks afterwards
as I checked her hand

over and over
throughout the night

not a mark on it.

I'm missing him
but think that he's tired
he's been quiet all day
after some dirty AM messages

and now
I'm off to finish my tasks --
another hour or so of work ahead of me

and then I'll curl into bed
on this cold night
and imagine he curls himself around me as I fall asleep.

Superstition and Hope

The holidays are coming and it's hard to not let my imagination run off with me

something I try not to do

I try not to picture Pixie opening presents
or
discovering the tree

because I think it's bad luck

I think it's bad luck
or tempting fate at least
to get rid of clothes and toys she's outgrown
or any of the previous kiddos have outgrown

as if there would be some sort of karmic bitchslap if I were to have the audacity to decide I won't need some of it again

I won't allow myself to think too far ahead

but I have flashes
where it occurs to me

that someday I'll buy her first bike
and teach her to ride it

and

someday we'll have the first day of school
and
the first date

the first heartbreak

I brush the thoughts away as fast as they come
and mentally knock wood

I should be thinking about her name
as there will be some sort of change

but instead

I'll keep my eyes
firmly on my feet

and focus where we are right now
store away all the old junk -- just in case

for

today

and let tomorrow come when it's due

Is it warm in here?

So that last post created some heat

and I did not mean to create any sort of flaming toward the Dom in question
who btw meant well in the end

but rather to state - that such a thing was unwelcome
that one can suggest
but not order

so

moving on

some update

I have mixed feelings about continuing on with Bennie

Pros
He's a very sweet kind man who cares about me
He's attractive
and he can go all night
awesome cuddles and post-chat

Cons
He likes rough sex more than I do - or he likes rougher sex than I do
I don't enjoy the actual sex as much as everything else leading up to it -- and there's a lot of sex
He texts me a lot - and tip toes into boyfriend territory (which is occupied)
I don't get my sub itch scratched quite enough
I have to bug the crap out of him to get him to use condoms -- which irritates me


I have no interest in hurting Bennie - he's sweet and sexy and fun

But I have decided to try to see D again
who is open to it
and is more Domly
and never ever mistakes what we have for a "relationship"

so expect a chapter about D in the near future

B

Not the Boss of me

Blogging leaves you open to a lot of things

it leaves you open to criticism

to unwelcome advice

it leaves you open to others thinking they know you better than they do

and when I get that advice

I usually let it roll off my back

I might roll my eyes

but today

I received an order

from a Dom to me

passed on by his submissive

and I have to be honest

it went right through me

I read it to Tex and he wasn't pleased about it either.

I am not going to out anyone in particular on this

or discuss what was said

because the issue is not with what was ordered

but the fact that I was issued an order at all

and I'm bothered by the fact that the submissive was ordered to do it

rather than have him contact me directly

so I will go on record now

to say

If you have advice or a comment?

bring it

I will consider it

If you have a directive?

I recommend you email it to Tex (through me is fine beatricebuscando@gmail.com)

and explain to him why you feel you have the right to direct HIS submissive

and see how that goes over

Margin

I was driving home tonight -- the path home is dark

very dark

even though I live in a huge city

I live at the edge

and there are still wide open spaces here

where there are no city lights at all

Tex called me

Pixie snoozed in the back seat

and we chatted as I drove home

Tex is slammed at work

and juggling a lot of things

and still sick as well

after we hung up

I thought about a poem I wrote a few years back

when I was in a bad place

I felt alone then

and unimportant

(I've posted it here)

Margin
scribbled like an afterthought
on the right
and the left
of the page
a doodle at the bottom
a mark made when you think the pen might be out of ink
and you need to get it flowing again
I'm not the text
I'm not the story
I'm a random decoration
I wonder
if he looks at the sheet
and wonders why he
cluttered
it
up
with such unnecessary scratchings

As I thought about this poem

I thought

I'm in the margins here too

but not a doodle

a decoration

ever present

a part of every page

every day

a reminder

a subtle mark

that he carries with him

and I carry with me

and I smiled into the darkness on my drive

until I arrived home again.

Just another yarn to tell you

Lately there are a lot of bloggers talking yarn -- well -- on blogs and FB and whatnot

So

had to share the project I'm finishing today
this adorable baby hat

Cookie Day is about to take over out blogs (which I love -- and can't wait for -- yay! cookies!) -- but I thought I would give my blog over to some yarn for a day

and this one (yes  - -resting on top of my frankenstein candy dish)

and this one

it's not an addiction -- I can stop any time I want

I'm um

just not out of yarn

yeah -- that's it
out of yarn

Man Cave -- Enter at your own risk

Tex doesn't feel well
he's working hard

but last night
I thought he was just

I don't know

not talking to me
too busy

but really

he was
swamped with work
and fighting a cold
and went to bed early

he called me on the way to work this morning to make sure I knew he wasn't ignoring me
rather that he was just

quiet

and I smiled
because when I sent a
Daddy are you ok

last night

he was terse

and I thought

oh

man cave

I GET the man cave

I even LIKE the man cave

when would a woman have time for hobbies if it weren't for the man cave?

shoot -- if we were together -- it might be the only chance I get to wear clothes

:D

Feel better soon Tex!
and I'll poke my head in the cave here and there to see if you're alive

Love,

B

vanilla

I'm drowning in vanilla today

baking

ironically with this amazing vanilla my brother sent me 

that rocked my caramel apples by creating this floral note to the coating

and 

work

and

crocheting little hats

I asked him my question

and

apparently I misinterpreted that I need to ask it

so

I worked myself up to ask 

when I didn't need to

silliness

it's hard sometimes when you're far apart to know

what he's thinking

it would be easier if he were here

but

he's not

and he's a long way from getting here

so

vanilla

is my middle name

and

as long as I make sure my vanilla is fragrant

and delicious

and amazing

then in the end

everything will balance out

I have to enjoy the now as much as the future

Messing Up

I hate to mess up
although

it's inevitable
and we subs are bad at accepting that

for example

blog every day

how hard is that?
a DAY is a LONG time
surely anyone could blog once a day

I mean

unless you're in the ICU
or abducted by aliens

how hard could it be?

and yet

inevitably

if there's an always
or a never

(much more often with always - because never is just easier)

there's going to be a slip

and

dear readers

you'll note

no blog post yesterday

I haven't been blogging at a set time
and I couldn't remember if I had or not
and

looks like the 'nots" had it

(damn it)

in the meantime
there's this thing I need to ask him
and I've been putting it off

and no

I'm not going to talk about what thing
because typing it here is cheating

but

I have to

it's time

and I will
um

soon

Away

Tex is away

Tex's FWB is an old good friend
and

they're close
it's her birthday
and she wanted to go hunting

(BTW -- clearly the FWB and I are not alike)

so Tex went hunting with her

and truth be told I have some mixed feelings

as I think about them
it's not that I'm jealous of her

Tex makes it very clear what I am to him
and how he feels about me

and having feelings for her doesn't take away from me
just as the fact that I have my friendship with Bennie
doesn't take away from Tex

but

I am greedy
and I wish that he were more available this weekend
I wish that I could be the one going hunt...

ok

I'm not going to pull that shit off

I DON'T wish I were out hunting
I dont' like hunting
and it's mother fucking cold where Tex lives

I miss him

and he wants me on his mind
I asked for an O a day while he's gone

but instead
he's requires one in the morning
one at night
and when I go to the drive in tomorrow night
two
with pants around my feet
(um - -I do plan to go to the drive in alone and he's allowing a blanket)

so
no way to tie this up in a need little bow

I miss him
without that rotten jealous feeling
I just
want him

B

Money Money Money

In our mall chat yesterday (see previous post from last night), we talked about money

actually

I opened my yap a few times about things that will be particularly hard about giving up control

because the "getpermissiontospendover$50" rule isn't that tough for me -- because I rarely spend that much without taking the time to consider it

it's

the little things I spend
all the time
that add up

that

I don't really need

eventually he will put me on a budget
which will ultimately save me a lot of money
but makes me uncomfortable as well.

and

we're not at the B gets an allowance stage

it's early days
we have far to go

we're still at the "watchBsquirmatthethoughtofit" stage
which is so much Domly fun.

but I did say that I'm concerned about overdoing it for Christmas
it's the Pixie's first Christmas with me

and

it's the first Christmas that a child has been in my house

and I'm worried that I will overdo it all
overcompensate

particularly as the stress of the upcoming court date looms

so we agreed that I would write a budget and he would approve it

I wrote it last night
shaving a bit off of the original numbers because I thought he would think it was excessive
and sent it

He approved it without edit
and

I will have to report when I spend for each person on my list
and hold to my budget.

all good things

meant for my betterment
but

I suspect at some point I'll regret my deal
but
for now
I am happy
and content with the challenge.

A day off

I enjoyed my free day today

I got a haircut
and some shopping done (no buying -- but some shopping)
I stopped by my office
and dropped of a cute hat I made at my foster agency

and I had a long chat with Tex at the mall

I found a nice soft sofa
just me and the old men who were asleep waiting for their wives to come back

and we talked about the future

Tex tends to use "when"

when I'm so used to men using "if"

it's enough to make a girl swoon

and we talked about what it would be like

when we live together
when he takes more and more control

and he played around with some next steps

of course
he wants control over the things that are hardest to give up
and he wanted me to sit there in the mall

and squirm
and smile
and
take the time to learn more and more about each other

as I think about what will happen when....

Love our Lurkers

I almost always miss Love our Lurkers day - - I suppose I made it by an hour or so

so

thank you dear readers for following my little soap opera

Thank you for wondering how things will go with Pixie

Thank you for rooting for me as I search for my other half

Thank you for encouraging me when I am down
and

Thank you for holding back your "I told you so's" as much as you have


Say Hello if you never have (or say hello is you have -- it's nice to know you're out there)

in the meantime

it's turned cold here --
and

I'm off tomorrow

Tex has assigned a day in heels as I run my errands - -which may be challenging in the cold (no ice -- it IS the south -- but not very fun since heels can be chilly)

he wants me to get used to them
to be in them more

I hadn't planned to talk about LOL day
or

heels

I planned to talk about how the energy from that man of mine waxes and wanes -- and it is waxing on these days

covering me with his control
and
his power
and

teasing me with tempting thoughts of the future

tonight he told me if I played my cards right he would collar me until he decided to let me go

to which I responded

"you won't"

"won't what?" he asked

"you won't let me go"

and I think he had a big smile on his face
as I did on mine

good night lurkers
good night Tex

All Tied Up

I hate to post this - because I haven't spoken to Tex yet

but I'm torn

I am required to post every day
so

I'll have to figure out what to say

Bennie just left

I have a smidge of rug burn on my elbow
and
I am a bit sore
and tired

after our time together

As I've said before
he's a good man
and nice man

and I enjoy him

he growls at me -- which makes me laugh
and pay attention
because it does seem that he might bite a hunk of me off

He bound me in dark red rope
a breast tie
it was more beautiful than I imagined

and

it was amazing how I just settled into a calm space
and the rope wound around me

I do so love to be bound
and have had very little of that in the past few years

and it did give him a handy handle

******
This period of time with Tex and I is a strange thing

I am comfortable with the fact that he has someone
I'm glad he does

she is good for him
I do not expect that he will be a monk

and
he feels the same way for me
although
I so feel strange about it

a double standard for myself that falls in his favor

but it becomes easier over time
to
understand
that he really does mean it when he says he wants me to be happy
and
to help him understand that I want the same thing

and

now I have some pretty photos to share with him
which he will love as well

goodnight faithful readers

B

Phone Death

My phone dropped and died

and it's the 3rd time it's happened this year

you might ask

Beatrice -- why do you not have a protective case?

Well - dear readers -- it's because I have an addiction to the slide out keyboard
and
while they make cases for them

they break the first time you drop the phone

so

time to move on

I let Tex know that I need to buy a new phone
and

he indicated that he wished to help pick it out

blink
blink
blink

I'll be honest

when someone tells me that they want to have control
I do tend to think

sure

whatever

for the fun stuff -- right

but

no

Tex was serious about picking out my phone

so

he reviewed the choices
and my phone-needs

and selected a phone
listened to my feedback (regarding the camera -- as I love to take pictures with my phone)
and

then altered the choice accordingly

and

tomorrow I will go get my awesome new phone

now

I can see some of you thinking

"really B?  you're letting him choose your phone for you? -- what are you thinking?!?!"

but

he's going to do one of two things

he's going to disregard my feelings and make a choice that would make me unhappy
or
he's going to put my happiness first and choose for me what would make me happy

and

I have to trust that he's going to choose the latter
because that's what we've agreed to do for each other

so
I know that it's a great choice for me
and
I'm happy to have him help me in this way.

A funny thing happened on my way to getting more CEUs

I have to earn a ton of Continuing Education Credits each year to keep my license

and there are some mandatory classes that I have to take

today's class cracked me up

I had to take a 6 hour class on Restraint

no

no ropes

but they do teach you how to

Break a choke hold
Get someone to stop pulling your hair
Get someone to stop biting you
and how to block someone from beating the crap out of you


ahem

um

all things I would love for someone to do

so between fostering a small child who only wants to hug me (not crush, punch or choke me) -- and has yet to bite me (knocks furiously on wood)

and sort of liking those things socially

I think that this certificate and my new found chokehold breaking skills -- will stay dormant for yet another year

Out There

I have a Facebook friend who has slowly but surely come out online as "one of us"

it's been interesting to watch
because there was no announcement
just

more and more talk

I'm not sure if she's a sub or a hedonist or a primal (or any number of other titles that I hear thrown around)

but last night she posted about getting her rope and and maybe even flogged

plain as can be

and

no

I'm not coming out to her because she's a FB friend - -not a real friend
I know her vaguely from high school

and just liking my posts and saying that the hat I made is pretty is not enough to out myself to her

there is no mutually assured destruction here

as society becomes more and more open
I worry less and less about being outed

but that doesn't mean that I want to tell my friends and family the intimate details of my sex life
(um

apparently I only want to tell faceless strangers that on the internet.)

you know
when I started blogging

I felt alone
and isolated

I had all these feelings about being a sub
that made me feel that no one else who was like me existed

and I blogged
and I found sisters and brothers that made me feel less alone

and I wonder
if we really knew
how many people are getting their rope on
being flogged on a Friday night

how shocked those of us who thought we were alone in our closets
would be

to find out that we're really playing a game of Sardines instead of a game of Hide and Seek.

Hot Sweaty Sex Dream

I had a dream last night
there were a lot of things going on in the dream
too many to hold onto long enough to type

but during part of the night
there was a hot sex scene

and during part of it
I was watching as if it were a TV show

knowing that one of them was me
because I could feel it

but able to see both

and sometimes I was her
and sometimes I was him

but the pronouns were wrong

because the person kissing me was not female nor was she male
and vice versa

there was no gender
just

amazing foreplay
between me and not me

at least sometimes
they were me and not me
because sometimes I was both
and sometimes I was neither

and we touched and kissed
and the breath passed back and forth in that heady way
that makes you forget everything else


but I woke up
wanting more in the middle of the night
and trying to fall back into the dream

and I did
but not the sex parts of the dream
the other parts
that took place in a diner
but not a diner
and an office building
but not an office building

Disappointment and acceptance

Tex and I talked about the holiday and most likely he will not be able to come to where I live in December.

and

I was disappointed

of course I was
and

let's be clear
Tex never said he was coming
he mentioned it as a possibility
and I ran with it

so
any fantasy I had about time together at that time
was all on me.

but

still

disappointing

because sometimes I just want it all now
I want him here
and I want us to have whatever it is we're going to have NOW

I'm impatient

even illogically so

because if he called me today and said he was on his way?
I'm not all that free
being in the middle of the adoption with Pixie

I want both things simultaneously

I want him here
NOW
and I want him to be patient
and available when I will be
and
I want to fast forward

and when I put my brain back into gear
I can accept

that this is just where we are
and

I can either bemoan what I don't and can't have
or

I can love every moment of where we are now

Exhaustion and Relief

So today was spent in court

and I cannot share details

except to say that the case came out the way I hoped it would

but took

FOREVER

back in court next week for an update to the judge
and then

10 week away from a final determination.

Of course I called Tex on the way home
and
talked his ear off.

and told him I loved him at the end of the call

and signed off happy
and headachey

Daddy -- 10pm is the LATEST time I can go to bed - right?

I'm beat

Fresh out

I'm not sure i have anything fresh or new to say

things are

well

the same

I'm still happy
and still stressed
and still struggling to be the sub I want and he wants

and while I'm supposed to write every day
about how I feel
and what challenges I'm facing

but I'm fresh out of feelings

or at least out of fresh feelings

yes

that's better

that.

More structure

The stress has been pounding me

and while there's a temptation to ask for some of the rules to be relaxed

I didn't ask for that

I asked for a shorter leash this week

some touch points
to help me stay focused.

I've added them to the Tex's expectation page

but he's given me a bedtime of 10pm -- to ensure that I get 8 hours of sleep

well

at least that I get 8 hours of time in my bed -- since I cannot guarantee sleep
and

he established a time for me to take the Pixie on a walk each night

except that it's cold and rainy here -- so night one didn't happen.

I thought perhaps some yoga with Pixie -- but I can't find a video (one has been ordered) and she conked out early

I asked if these rules are for the week - - or are ongoing - and got the "we'll see" on them

so far
I don't think I'll make it all the way to 10
I'm beat

As I consider if I have what it takes to be a slave
because that's his vision for us
and yes

I am hung up on the word more than what it means
but that's for another blog

I'm not very good at following the rules we have
I am still finding my way through them

still trying to adapt to the structure in a world where no one notices if I do it or not
and some days I am better than others

tonight I am the queen of laundry
as for tomorrow
well

one day at a time.

I am struggling with reporting my spending
it is both hot
and humbling

I don't think I realized how private I considered that part of my life
how much baggage I have around money
left over from a marriage where any hint that we had "extra" was an opportunity for him to spend us into oblivion as he spent that same money 10 different ways

so
I struggle
and I persevere

and I give him more trust
and more focus

and
he grows closer to my heart as I do so

A slip of the tongue

I've been talking about Tex a lot lately

to my old friend BC
to my BFF

at work
to my parents

and when I do that -- of course I use his christian name

which is of course NOT Tex

Tonight
we were talking about work
and

for emphasis
I called him by his name
and

I had to stop
because it was weird

he thought it was weird
I thought it was weird

it was jarringly weird

When I talk about him to my family -- I have to concentrate to call him by his name

because I never use it

he never calls me by my name either
it's always

Little Girl

so I'll throw that question out to the readers who have Dom/mes

Do you use his/her given name?
and when you are in the presence of vanillas -- how do you handle it?

I don't think I can get away with calling Tex "Daddy" in front of the family

and "Tex" would be equally weird (as he's hardly your stereotypical texan as most men here named Tex would be)

I'm curious to hear how you handle this one

Stress

I have been working hard to show a calm controlled outer person
while on the inside I have been flipping out

in fact

until the last half of the week - I was letting it affect how I felt about Tex and was thinking "he doesn't really like you-- blah blah blah"

because of my high level of stress

I've decided that telling myself not to be stressed isn't working

that

there's plenty to be stressed about
and just like writing out my nerves helped me before I went to see Tex
maybe
it will help now

because at night
my dreams are torturing me to the point that I stay up for hours once they wake me at 3am -- so I don't have to do that any more.

So

Why am I stressed?

1.  Work -- it's our busiest time of year -- and there are times when my new boss is exceptionally demanding in ways that are stressful -- managing up on a continual basis (because he comes from a different field and doesn't understand all of the ramifications of his actions) is exhausting.

2.  Parents - With Mom being sick -- there is a lot more to do and less baby support (yes -- I am selfish -- at least right here in the blog) -- Mom is getting better - but isn't recovered yet -- and (sigh) -- they're going to come stay with me for a few days while some plumbing work is done (insert enthusiastic 'yay' here) which will transform my little house to a clown car.

3.  Did you know there's 52 days until Christmas?  Want to be horrified?  that countdown over there on the right hand side of my blog?  subtract 2 days -- that's how many shopping days you have left.

4.  This week - the courts are hearing a motion to return the Pixie to her birth mom.  A monitored return -- and yes -- it's unlikely.  Yes -- it's just something that the lawyer has to do.  But it doesn't mean it can't happen.  And If it does happen?  I do believe that the Pixie would come back into care -- but I hate to think what she might endure if it did.

5.  FWB -- yes -- Bennie is stressing me out.  What's supposed to be a bit of fun on the side is a bit more than I bargained for -- He's a bit too attentive and he's become another task on the to-do list.  Which is a shame -- because I think he's delightful - -he's sweet, and funny and good in bed -- and on paper just lovely -- but I don't have any time for him right now -- and I was thrilled when he cancelled last night because he had to work.

6.  Being a Mom.  Yes -- that stressed me out too.  Sometimes I think I'm doing a rotten job.  I'm unfocused -- I have a hard time keeping up with my house -- everything is new -- and she is EVERYWHERE.  And no - I don't think I have to be the perfect mom - -but I do want to do this right -- and give her what she should have in a mom.

so

there it is

I will feel better once the court date is over
perhaps I will stop dreaming that I've pulled out all my hair and am trying to clip in the hair I've pulled out to cover it up.

But until then

I am stressed
and I'm going to allow that to be ok
and will continue to move ahead
and do my best

which is all I can do.

On Love

It has been said
not
obliquely -- as I have been

but directly

and

due to being ordered

I missed my O last night
I collapsed into sleep -- I've been stressed and not sleeping well

and missed my O

so

I asked for a makeup O this morning

and was surprised by the message on my phone that said

"You may on one condition"
"As you are cumming, you will call out 'I love this man and I am going to be his whore'"

and then he teased me a bit

"you can close your mouth now"
"and wipe that grin off your face"

I have not wanted to say it
I have not wanted him to feel awkward about whether to say it as well if he does not

I know that I have loved him for some time
too soon as well
I always love too soon

and too much

and he has not said it back
nor did I expect he would

I worry that in time
it will hurt that he has not
and hope that he will at some point
love me as I do him
and tell me so

He tells me that he will continue to take more and more over
until he controls it all

and
I struggle with it

I struggle with why he would want that
and why I would want that

I hold some dear things close to me
and think
"ok -- but not THESE things - THESE things are mine"
and I wonder how I will someday put it all in his hands
and

trust that he will choose all the things that are designed to make me happy
as I would choose those things that will make him happy

and he asked
"do you know what it will make you when I take it all"
and
tells me
"you will be my slave - and you will be happy"
and

I think I shall
when we get there

but for now
I will focus on today
and where I am now

I love this man
and I am going to be his whore

and

he is going to be mine
as I am his.

Dizzy

My Darling man
my Daddy

you made my head spin today

I haven't decided if I will publish this on the blog
or just send it to you

but
I know it's important to be clear
and direct
and to tell you what's on my mind

you have a way of making me say
what I'm afraid to say

of stripping me down to the most exposed

today you revved me up sexually
made me want your hands on me
with direction to bring myself to the edge
and stop

I was throbbing as I drove to my lunch
and talked with you on the phone

and then ordering me to be honest
even if I don't want to admit it

to tell you what capacity I want to serve you in
how I see us

I stared at my phone
my head turning over all the possible ways
to say what I should say
without somehow saying it

until I decided to just say it
that I fantasize
about being the great love of your life
your little girl
your slave
your wife

things you're not allowed to say
never allowed to say
not so soon

and
then you made it clear
that
beyond the difficulty in saying what I want
that

some day

I will have to ask you

to be my love

to be my Master

to be my husband

on my knees

and wait
for your answer.

Yes Daddy

you made me dizzy today