More structure

The stress has been pounding me

and while there's a temptation to ask for some of the rules to be relaxed

I didn't ask for that

I asked for a shorter leash this week

some touch points
to help me stay focused.

I've added them to the Tex's expectation page

but he's given me a bedtime of 10pm -- to ensure that I get 8 hours of sleep

well

at least that I get 8 hours of time in my bed -- since I cannot guarantee sleep
and

he established a time for me to take the Pixie on a walk each night

except that it's cold and rainy here -- so night one didn't happen.

I thought perhaps some yoga with Pixie -- but I can't find a video (one has been ordered) and she conked out early

I asked if these rules are for the week - - or are ongoing - and got the "we'll see" on them

so far
I don't think I'll make it all the way to 10
I'm beat

As I consider if I have what it takes to be a slave
because that's his vision for us
and yes

I am hung up on the word more than what it means
but that's for another blog

I'm not very good at following the rules we have
I am still finding my way through them

still trying to adapt to the structure in a world where no one notices if I do it or not
and some days I am better than others

tonight I am the queen of laundry
as for tomorrow
well

one day at a time.

I am struggling with reporting my spending
it is both hot
and humbling

I don't think I realized how private I considered that part of my life
how much baggage I have around money
left over from a marriage where any hint that we had "extra" was an opportunity for him to spend us into oblivion as he spent that same money 10 different ways

so
I struggle
and I persevere

and I give him more trust
and more focus

and
he grows closer to my heart as I do so