sometimes as I go on my journey
I am overwhelmed by my lack of control
that I receive information
only if someone decides to give me some
that I keep my child
only if everyone decides I can
that I have less control
than the workers
the therapists
the doctors
the lawyers
ever less control than the birth parents
because they can choose to work hard or not work hard
to mediate or not mediate
and my choices are much more binary
to foster
or to quit
I have allowed this
to affect me more than it should
when really
it's just an exercise in submission
I am here to serve my role
to focus
to parent
to provide feedback
to facilitate
to serve
and when I allow myself to focus on what I do not have
I am not serving
So going forward
I am going to strive to be more of the person that people think I am
more service focused
and less bitter
about what others have
only gracious about my blessings
which are enormous
to
submit
and live in my role
and I will come back and remind myself
right her on this page
as much as needed
Very positive thinking! I hope all goes well for you and the little one and fast! It seems that that the welfare system is always putting obstacles in your way. Here we are helped no end.
ReplyDeleteHugs Ashly xx
p.s. Mrs lowlife is pregnant again, No 6 up for fostering
Sending love and light and energy... It's not an easy road you're on.
ReplyDeletesofia
You are traveling a road that takes a great deal of strength.
ReplyDeleteWe need more like you. IT is tricky to find your strength in submission.
hugs abby
Being gracious about your blessings is a wonderful way to approach it. I know it works for me during my moments of despair or worry.(of which I have many).
ReplyDeleteSending many hugs.
~faithful
Light, love, faith, and energies to you, sister.
ReplyDeleteALL of your feelings are valid, you know. Gosh, going through the process is so. fucking. hard. I remember the bitterness I felt, seeing pregnant women, people having babies and neglecting them or taking them for granted...I spent a lot of time feeling angry while waiting. You do such a beautiful job expressing yourself.
Looking at this journey as a test of submission is a testament to who you are...smart, capable, strong, and submissive. I admire all those parts of you. :) You are a tough cookie.
Hugs and shoulder bumps...
nilla
I know praise for what you are doing makes you uncomfortable. Whether you think you are courageous or not, we do all admire you. What you have chosen to do is admirable. All of us know how hard it is to parent even without all the uncertainty. How wrenching to throw your heart, blind, over the bar for that little person, without any security. Focusing on service towards that tiny little munchkin might make it easier. I'm praying for both of you.
ReplyDelete