In the end

(I wrote this tonight and but it in the box for later - but decided I should publish it -  because Tex doesn't want me to edit - just publish -- so -- here it is - unedited - as written at about 8pm tonight)

Tex would like for me to eventually be a slave.

I don't know if I have it in me
and I'm not sure it's important for me to know that now

I think it's just important the he knows that I don't know if I have it in me

In every relationship you start off one place and end up somewhere else

and who am I to dictate where that somewhere else is?

I started thinking about this again while reading mouse's blog

and I wonder
could I ever been a consensual slave as mouse is?

I don't think I'm made of the right stuff

then again

with the right master
with the right man
who wants what is best for you
and who knows you as you know yourself

could I do it?

(laughs at myself)

even as I type this I am saying in my head

"well - except for child-rearing

and family decisions
and

not finances -  certainly not finances

and I would still want to be able to choose my friends

and

and

and"

Tex and I have talked about limits and trust - and how putting limits on things states in many ways that you don't trust your partner to do what's best for you

but

of course
we all have limits

he had me complete a checklist a few days ago and send it to him
of things I've done
and not done

and there were things that I was "hell no" on

branding
and drinking blood

(really - DRINKING blood?  fuck no)

but ultimately
you have to trust your partner
to love you
and cherish you

and to play nice with his toys
because broken toys are no fun

and breaking a toy you love is a deeply sad thing

but

will I be what he wants me to be in the end?
I doubt it

because I think we would both find out what I will be
and what he will be in the end

when we get there.