Things I haven't told you

Sometimes I don't tell you things because you'll think I'm crazy

you'll shake your head
and tut tut

and sometimes I'm not so excited about being tut tutted.

I want to make clear that I've always known this about the Man

I knew it when we were chatting as just friends
and I still knew it when we started flirting

and I knew it when we started to be what we are now

My boyfriend
my Dom
my friend

has been heartbroken for some time about the demise of his marriage.

He was married to his high school sweetheart
and she's the only woman he's ever loved.

Once a year they go away for their anniversary
to see if they can patch things up and make it work.

what it really is
in my opinion in an annual appointment to rip each other's hearts out again

and this year
they decided

that it was time
time to figure out for sure if they're going to reconcile after 4 years of divorce

frankly I wonder if I'm not a bit of the catalyst for this

well

not me
but the idea of me

the idea that he might meet someone else
or
that he has met someone else who has the potential to give him a second chance

only

how can he begin something new
when he hasn't given up on the something old yet

So over this long weekend
they will be together
in their old house

trying it out

and if that works out
then
they'll plan another one

the Man is wracked with guilt over hurting someone
knowing that he'll hurt her
or hurt me
but really hurting himself so much more than either of us

and

I have to tell you
honestly
truly

that I'm ok with this
that

I wouldn't consider a relationship with him unless he exhausts every effort to reconcile with her now

because

it has to be exhausted
before I consider giving this Man my heart

so over the next 5 days
he will be over there
far from me
calling me once a day
when he can

with my blessing
with more than my blessing

almost with my insistence

because the only way this Man and I have a future
is for him to finally deal with his past.