What's this?

it's a strange feeling

when you're no longer waiting waiting waiting for something bad to happen

a very strange feeling indeed.

and

today

in little moments

I

did more than think about it

I felt it

really felt it

that this could finally really happen

that she could finally really be mine

and I felt so wonderfully happy in these little moments

we had a wonderful day

we had breakfast
and ran errands and went to the park with a friend

we had a little picnic with her sitting  my lap
as I popped treats between her lips
mostly avoiding being nipped by little teeth

the happy MMMmm sounds at being given a bit of cheese
and the happier one at a blueberry

and

tomorrow

we get to have another day

and then another
and another

and while -- no - it's not all done yet
there's still risk

that risk has dropped down to far
that
pessimism no longer has a place here

and that
is  something I haven't been able to say
for longer than I can remember.